Friday, July 08, 2011

UNDERPANTS GNOME

There's an old joke in Dutch about three gentlemen who join the French Foreign Legion, namely a German, a Dutchman, and a Belgian. Now, to understand the joke, you should know that Germans are logical and organized, the Dutch are like the Germans but better (more intelligent, more creative), and the Belgians are dim as burned-out bulbs.
The German is sworn in and told to pick up his kit at the supply-sergeant's desk. How many underpants? Seven, he says. "Seven? Why Seven?
The German responds: "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.... "
The Dutchman, when it's his turn, requests eight. "The other chap needed only seven, why do you need eight?" "Monday, Tuesday ...... and one extra for emergencies! "
The Belgian requests eleven. "Good heavens, man, eleven?"
"Yah, dot's January, February, March....."


Something on e-kvetcher's blog had me thinking about underwear all the way through my lunch. Burrito con carnitas y salsa picante, sin frijoles. Except that they mixed up my order with someone else's, and I got frijoles anyway.
Not so much underwear in general as panties in particular; bikini briefs, French cut briefs, and high cut briefs. The difference between them is that bikini briefs have a low waistband (in contrast to granny panties), French cuts have high leg openings canted forward, and high cuts have deep leg openings more in-tune with a natural design and a waistband slightly on the high side.
Bikini briefs look good on trim short women, French cuts are for slim yet curvaceous girls, and almost anyone can find high cuts that fit them, even if they are overly statuesque drag queens on Polk Street.
Hipster briefs and thongs should not be worn by anybody.


Years ago some genius came up with the concept that panties should have the day of the week embroidered on them, much like the fancy seven-day briar pipe sets that were sold by companies such as Dunhill and Comoy.
This is the kind of idea that ONLY makes sense to a man.
Yet, for some reason, those panties are still being sold. Women, apparently, like the snarkiness of wearing the wrong day.
Possibly because it's disconcerting to other people, though one has to wonder: who would know?

One little accident, and the set is ruined.

Pipe companies, in addition to vending seven-day sets, also sell anniversary pipes, and a number of them also make a 'pipe of the year'.
While I consider such things no more than silly marketing gimmicks, it would make complete sense to do the same with panties.


Hypothetical advertisement:
"The 2011 Panty Of The Year is a fine French cut with a soft triple panel, ivory-hued Belgian lace at waist and leg openings, in electric raspberry or chartreuse silk, available in sizes 4S through 7½L, and for a limited time custom-built for all XL and XXL sizes. Allow two weeks for delivery, six for custom-builts."


What a wonderful idea! I could collect all sizes, from several different companies, each year. All pieces mounted on museum quality paper-board in matching glass-fronted display cases, suitable for either hanging on the wall or storing in a climate-controlled cabinet.
Original wrapping, mint condition, store-starched.......


"Now this here is a very rare Pearlbox™ lowrise baroque twelve-month set, solid black front panel, with Indian cotton gusset, and a sheer rosé back. Notice the very fine ruby lace along the waist. It matches the month-name script-appliqué."


Imagine, if you will, the fascinating individuality of each aficionado's collection. Some men would specialize in certain sizes, others would go for only French cuts or Hipster Briefs, "eccentrics" might like thongs.....

And, because of the delicacy of the material, there would have to be specialized restorationists. Professionals familiar with fabrics, clocking, replacing elastic, mending lace, weaving over minor damage caused by insects.
Delicate laundering, careful ironing.
With proper care, and a yearly once-over, a panty library might last for centuries, slowly fading and acquiring that precious air of antiquity.
Rare top-quality pieces in excellent condition would be sold at auctions attended by the cream of society.


I think I've come up with a whole new field of connoisseurship here. The possibilities are unlimited.
Good lord, I am brilliant!



I am ready to be admired.

Feel free to share your thoughts and preferences in the comments section.



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5 comments:

captiously amphibious said...

I might have missed a notification towards the beginning of this screed, but did Grant Patel(!) guest-post this?

Anonymous said...

Sombody is spending WAAAAY too much time thinking about unmentionables!

Naughty beast!

Anonymous said...

Good friggin lord you're perverse.

Do you make housecalls?

Panty Emergency said...

Laughed. My. back-panel. Off.

Auntie Pauntie said...

Do please share with us what size panty you yourself are.

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