Thursday, July 07, 2011


If anyone were to ask, I would admit it: I am an addict.
Caffeine, nicotine, and highly refined white sugar.
These are the pillars of life, the source of all that is good in the world.
Well, meat too. I like meat.

It has been said that having children drives people into the arms of caffeine and nicotine.
The tiny terrors are so enervating that you need a crutch just to be around them.
That, and their feeding times.
If I had kids I would be tempted to expose the little trolls to caffeine and nicotine just to see if it made them human.
The sugar they would discover on their own, I have no doubt of that.
And it's just a matter of time before they fricassee one of the pets.

Not everyone understands how a person can rely on coffee and tobacco, or even consider them pleasurable.
And sugar, I have been told, is just evil.
The person who informed me of this was disgusted by my filthy habits.

How, she demanded to know, could I bear to pollute my body in such a way?

Lady, some temples are just meant to be despoiled, okay?

She wished me to know that her body was not thus! She strenuously avoided caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and even meat. A person of high ideals would not partake of these things. No sir!
Brusquely dismissing my argument that human progress had advanced much more rapidly in the last four centuries precisely because of the introduction of caffeinated beverages, tobacco products, and refined sugar, she primly averred that those things were responsible for more human misery than all the wars and hard drugs combined.
And meat, she was convinced, was a wasteful use of resources, besides bad for one's psyche. It angrified the moods or something.
Avoid meat! At all costs! Nice people are not carnivores!
Killing! Animals! for food! is just! Barbaric!

Shoes, purse, belt.


"Shoes, purse, belt. It's okay to kill animals for your shoes, purse, and belt?"

Apparently I am just dense. And trying to change the subject!

At this point another woman entered the conversation. She wished to know why I had such bestial passions, why couldn't I just be nice? Surely there are better things than caffeine, nicotine, sugar... and meat?
There's cake, for instance. And flowers. And butterflies and little animals.
When I was small I probably loved all those things, and one should always keep the heart of a child.
The innocence! The joyous spirit! The smiling time!
She was certain that I would be a happier person if I just tried!

I pointed out that she herself was trying far too hard. Wearing a Hello Kitty sweater isn't childlike, it's just silly.
Do not confuse goobertude with "young at heart".
Besides, Hello Kitty isn't innocent, but a class 'A' mercantile slut.
Her visage shows up on ANYTHING to make it more sellable.
Urinal targets. Vibrators. Motorbikes. Love hotel suites.
Trollop underwear! Panties, pasties, bras.
Stripper garb, and sexy stockings.
Not that there's anything wrong with that, those things are all useful.
And I myself am keenly appreciative of several of them, particularly panties, bras, and stockings.
But my point is that Hello Kitty is by no means an unblemished icon.
Hello Kitty is a marketing tool whose only purpose is to drive sales of otherwise fairly mediocre merchandise through the roof.
I've heard that the Hello Kitty vibrator breaks down, by the way.
Hello Kitty hamburger presses, Hello Kitty frying pans, Hello Kitty grills.
Hello Kitty candy. Hello Kitty soda. Hello Kitty cakes.

If they thought it could make a buck, they'd put Hello Kitty on ammo clips, rat poison, and army uniforms.

There's probably already a brand of Hello Kitty Coffee.

We're just waiting for Hello Kitty Smoking Tobacco.

And that would be the ONLY worthwhile Hello Kitty product.
Even I would buy it.

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Anonymous said...

The back of the hill said...

Cite: " ".

Well, that's rather staggeringly irrelevant to the subject at hand. Nevertheless interesting.

Let's see if that supportive tendency lasts. Given how sour I am about the cynicism and flagrant biases often displayed by the cheeses, I am inclined to suspect not.

Tzipporah said...

I didn't realize that anyone wore/used Hello Kitty anything in a non-ironic way. Oh dear.

In my case, I substituted chocolate for the nicotine. Tea and chocolate, and a nice quiet day at work. Perfect antidotes to raising children.

The back of the hill said...

Update as of August 13th., 2012:

Pipe tobacco for Hello Kitty:

If Hello Kitty is going to take up a pipe, she should only smoke the good stuff.
Which, for her, is McClelland's 'HONEYDEW'.

Besides, it's kind of English in spirit. And Hello Kitty is one hell of an Anglophile. Big time!

The back of the hill said...

Does Hello Kitty smoke a pipe? Maybe! Personally I thinkHello Kitty probably sucks down big cheroots, in between cocktails. Hell, the little feline tramp probably starts her day with vodka and stoogies.

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