At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

A GRUNDFLIEGELICHE PEYSACH

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As my contribution to the Peysach season, I post below the moiredikke letter from Rav Yisroel Grundfliegel. Taka, copied, and the letter has been around a while (I wish I could credit the source, but I got it from a friend, who got it from a chaver, who got it from his Rav, who got it from a man smelling of Tuna fish - such is the spread of wisdom in our age).
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But there is a tiefe und riezige mefarshus!.
The commentary of the RABAM is new, and explains much.
[The Rabam's commentary is small and bold - like the Rabam himself.]
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So, although I don't know HaRav Glundfliegel personally, I feel I am adding to the tradition.
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From Rabbi Yisroel Grundfliegel SHLIT"AH, Self-Described Halachik Authority and Successful Lower East Side Real Estate Developer
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Here are the halachik issues for Pesach:
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1. Braces
Those people who normally wear braces while consuming chometzdike food, must have their braces kashered for Pesach. The preferred method is that of Libun, which can be accomplished by crinkling your lips up to expose your teeth and then running a blow torch along the entire length of your braces. Some authorities are meikel and permit kashering of braces by dunking your open mouth into a bowl of scalding hot water.
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Libun = white hot; making an utensil kosher by heating it till it glows white, required for vessels (kli) which are used for meat. This is libun chamur (strict whitening). If, however, we're talking about a typical teenager, then, assuming the usual vegetarianism, the vessel need only be heated to the degree that it will set fire to straw (libun kal - easy whitening). To be certain that all parts of the vessel are kashered, the straw should be held against the metal at several places, away from the torch.
Logically, in this case, it is necessary to fill the vessel with straw due to the difficulty of reaching behind the metal while it is hot.
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Meikel = Agreeable, lenient.
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Scalding water = Irui; koshering by pouring boiling water over, as is done for plates and table silver. But the Rama holds that because the braces are a kli shaini (a secondary vessel, occasionally involved in cooking, by reason of digestive enzymes), kashering is by hagala, the immersion in boiling water.
In mittn drinnen, it might be better to put the vessel up for adoption; less noisy.
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2. Digestive System
While most people put all their efforts into ridding their homes and cars of chometz, there is one place even more personal that is traditionally neglected during bedikas chometz - your very own digestive system, including stomach, small intestine and large intestine (colon). Those who have consumed chometz during the 24- hour period prior to biyur chometz must spend the proper time in the bathroom prior to the time of issur chometz to allow the elimination of any residual chometz from their bodies. Some halachik authorities also require the use of a laxative to assist in the elimination process.
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Bedikas chometz = searching for and disposing of all traces of leavening before Passover, and emptying the liquor cabinet of whiskey, vodka, and gin. The vermouth, not being made from one of the five grains which become chometz (wheat, rye, barley, spelt, or oats) may be kept.
Bedikas chometz starts at Purim.
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Biyur chometz = burning chometz to dispose of it.
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Issur chometz = prohibition on chometz; you are not permitted to have any leavened material of any kind in your house or in your possession from the fifth hour of the day before peysach till after the holiday is over. This includes whiskey, vodka, and gin.
Note: Some laxatives are chometz and may not be used Erev Pesach. Please consult your local rabbinical authority for which laxatives may be used.
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Gefilte fish is not a laxative.
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Erev peysach = The day preceding Passover and, if shabbes is that day, the day before shabbes. Chometzdikhe laxatives may however be used in the day preceding Erev Pesach, before the fourth hour (mid-afternoon).
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3. Gebruchts
Boruch Hashem, many of us are very careful not put any non-solid food on our matzoh, lest the liquid combine with any unbaked flour and become chometz. But what about our saliva and digestive juices? Saliva contains water and could very well cause problems of gebruchts. Until recently, it was felt that this problem was insurmountable, and thus, many poskim were meikel on this issue. But it has come to my attention that it is common practice for drug dealers to smuggle their drugs inside a human courier, by having the person ingest the drugs inside a small rubber balloon or, chas v'sholom, prophylactic. It would appear that this is also a perfect method for eating matzoh without worrying about the possibility of gebruchts. So this year, one should try to be machmir and put all matzoh in small rubber balloons before swallowing it. Upon further reflection, it has occurred to me that this is the way Bnei Yisroal must have eaten their matzoh in the midbar.
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Boruch HaShem = Blessed is G-d. Used like ‘Thank Heaven’.
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Gebruchts, gebrochts = Brokens, also called matzah sheruya (soaked matzah), meaning matzah meal or broken matzah used for puddings or matzo balls, soaked as a first step in their respective recipes. Due to the possibility that unbaked matzah flour may still cling to the crumbs it is best avoided, unless your mother makes matzo brei or matzo ball soup, in which case there is no reason to risk a family rift - just remember what happened to Yakov and Esav.
Remember Esav? He pissed-off his mom, that's what happened to Esav!
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Chas v'sholem = An idiomatic phrase used like 'Heaven Forfend'.
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Rubber balloons and prophylactics = It is always right to say a bracha over anything that one eats - for rubber, Shehakol; for synthetics, Oseh ma’aseh bereishis; for reservoir tip, Shelo asani goy.
Ve’im tomar, are these kosher for peysach? Teimah, some authorities hold that these items are orlah (foreskins), and thus forbidden. This is Issur d’rabbanan (a prohibition from the Talmud or by the rabbis). But according to the Chachmei Anglia (Tosafos Chachmei Anglia = the Tosafists active in Britain during the middle ages), this is forbidden because stuffing a prophylactic qualifies as work (melacha, al pi minhag Anshei Anglia), which is not allowed on shabbes, and by extension not on any of the festivals.
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Bnei Yisroel = The Sons of Israel, the Jews.
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Midbar = wilderness.
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4. Shiur of Matzoh (amount)
As you may be aware, the issue of shiurim is one that has been discussed at length. This year, I decided to reexamine the whole issue in the hopes of settling it conclusively, using my own opinion, and I was astonished by what I found. As you know, we are all required to eat a "kezayis" of matzoh. But how much is a "kezayis"? Obviously olives in the time of the Torah were not the size of today's puny olives! To determine the exact size of Torah olives, I went to the Posuk "Eretz Chitoh Oo'Si'oroh V'Gefen Oo'Si'einoh V'Reemon, Eretz Zais Shemen Oo'dvash." It occurred to me that this posuk lists the seven species IN SIZE ORDER! The posuk starts with the tiny grains are wheat and oats, continues with the slightly larger grape, and then the even larger fig, whatever that is. Thus, the size of an olive comes out to be somewhere between that of a pomegranate and that of a large jar of honey.
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Being that achilas matzoh is a mitzvoh me'dioreysah, we must be machmir by using the size of the jar of honey. After checking with officials at the Golden Blossom company, it turns out that the largest jar of honey sold commercially is 32 oz. So, by taking into account the amount of flour that fits into a 32 oz. jar, we come up with the shiur kezayis as being 4.7 round matzohs, or 6.4 square matzohs. Please remember that this matzoh must be consumed within the allowed time of 5 minutes!
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Shiur of Matzoh = the minimum quantity of matzoh that must be consumed.
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Kezayis = from zayis (olive); an amount of the size of an olive.The Posuk "Eretz Chitoh Oo'Si'oroh V'Gefen Oo'Si'einoh V'Reemon, Eretz Zais Shemen Oo'dvash." Devarim 8:8 "A land of wheat and barley and grape-vines and figs and pomegranates; a land of olive trees and honey" (Erets chita u-seora ve gefen u-te'ena ve-rimon; erets zeit, shemen, u-devash).
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Fig = Feig (teyenot); not a dadel.
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Dadel = a date, though not necessarily one that leads to further dates; a waste of time, better you should take out an ad instead, or rely on a shadchen. You're not getting any younger.
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Achilas matzoh = Eating matzoh, the consumption of matzoh.
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Mitzvos d'oraisah = a commandment inherent in the tradition, a commandment stated in Torah.
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Shiur kezayis = a measure of volume or quantity equivalent to an olive. Because this is in reference to a mitzvos d’oraisah, we are obligated to go according to the largest possible size (see Mishna Brura), which in this case means that one should relax one’s jaws entirely, and fill up the space between lips and glottis with the 4.7 round matzoh, or 6.4 square matzoh. This is rather like filling a tobacco pipe, and, similarly, it is permissible to press down upon the filling until it is firm. Some people may need help, so the husband and father of the family, having seen to his own shiur kezayis, may then press down upon the shiurim kezaysim of his family members until the full measure has been accounted for.
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Note: There are many brands of Shmureh Matzoh, on the market, most of which I would no sooner eat than I would a product certified by the triangle-K. People who are serious about shmiras ha'mitzvos should purchase Shmureh Matzoh only from my brother-in-law, Yonkie. Yonkie's Yiddishe Matzohs are BOTH hand AND machine made - l'chol ha'dayos - and are Glatt Kosher l'mehadrin min hamehadrin min hamehadin. Prices start at tzvontzik tullar a pound, which, for those of you who don't speak yiddish, translates to $80 a pound.
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Shmureh matzoh = Guarded matzoh; Matzah made from flour which has been guarded (reliably supervised), from harvest through grinding to baking, to ensure that no water touched the flour prior to the making of matzos, as even a tiny bit of moisture can in a short time cause fermentation. The entire process from mixing in water to removing the finished matzoh from the oven must be done within eighteen minutes, other wise it is chometz.
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Shmiras ha mitzvos = obeying (guarding) the commandments.
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Le chol ha dayos = according to all laws.
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Glatt kosher le mehadrin min hamehadrin min hamehadin = Mehadrin: kosher supervision, usually by a rabbi trained in matter of kashrus. So this phrase translates as extremely kosher and fully supervised by the eagle-eyes of an observant ultra-orthodox wanker, more or less. Don’t worry about it, it’s kosher already.
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Tzvontzik = Having the characteristics of a tzvontz. Some say equivalent to twenty tzik.
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5. Water
Water contains many microorganisms (including copeds) which, according to many poskim, fall under the category of shrotzim. While this does not present a specific problem for Pesach, it can be a problem all year round. I recommend using micro-bodek bottled water - guaranteed organism-free.
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Water = standing water often teems with buggy things, chayas. which makes Mayim Chayim non-potable. Don’t drink the water, unless you dilute it with sixty parts whiskey.
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Poskim = halachic authorities.
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Shrotsim = insects, but specifically swarming insects, which are considered unclean and not kosher, from Vayikra 11:29 "ve ze lachem hatamei ba sherets ha shorets al-ha'arets…" (and these to you are unclean among the swarming things (sherets) that swarm (shorets) upon the land…
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Bodek = a brand of shrotzim-free products.
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Shrotzim-free = bland.
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6. Soda
In addition to the problem of water containing microorganisms (see #5), soda has the additional problem of containing bubbles, thus creating the possibility that it will be confused with beer, which is, of course, chometz mamish. Some rabbonim permit the use of soda on Peisach, though I personally wouldn't eat in any of their homes.
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On the subject of soda, let me quote an excerpt from the popular sequel to "Shmiras Shabbos K'Hilsosoh", "Smiras PeisachK'Hilsoso": "While use of soda and other carbonated beverages are permitted on Pesach, it is nonetheless desired to refrain from drinking them. In fact, it is generally desired to refrain from ALL forms of permissible activity throughout the year, lest halachah not be seen as sufficiently burdensome and unpleasant."
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It would also seem to me that such a prohibition would extend to any food that could possibly be confused with a chometzdike item, not to mention all the those products that are "Pesachdik" versions of things that only a goy would eat on Pesach, such as "Pesach" noodles, "Pesach" pancake mix, and "Pesach" muffins. Such products should be scrupulously avoided! As to whether such products can be fed to dog on Pesach, consult your local halachik authority.
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Chometz mamish = tangibly and actually chometz.
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Mamish = Tangibly, actually, recognizably so by the senses, as it were.
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Beer = Not kosher for Peysach by any definition, being made from grain-mash fermented with yeast; domestic beer is made from entirely unknown substances, and might even contain lard; import beers are painfully expensive. Beer, in any case, is precisely what they didn't have for forty years. You think Moishe was shlepping lager through the midbar?!?! The Mikdash was a beer chest?!?! Simchas Toireh is just another name for 'Oktober Fest'?!?! Farkert!
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Sequel = coming soon to a theatre near you, rated K.
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Chometzdik = leavened.
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Peysachdik = Passoverish. Voss for a vort iz passoverish? Peysachdik!
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Pesach noodles = A contradiction in terms (Modern orthodox).
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Pesach pancake mix = Inedible, not being made from grain (Reform).
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Pesach muffins = a goyishe sawdust confection (Liberal).
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Can be fed to a dog = note that several things which are not, or no longer, kosher can be fed to a dog, but if a dog won’t touch them they are certainly not edible. In the case of chometzdikhes, when a dog refuses to eat it, it is spoiled beyond the point of qualifying as chometz, and is thus permissible, though hardly still desirable, having become blue cheese mamish.
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7. Mechiras Chometz
The question has come about whether a family where the wife doesn't wear a sheital, or whose kids learn at a co-ed school, chas v'sholom, can be considered goyim for purposes of Mechiras Chometz. The "Makos Mardus", Rabbi Yechiel Getzel Grunblatt of Flatbush, deals with this question in his best-selling seifer on hilchos Pesach "VaYichan Sham Neged HaHar: Spending Pesach in theMountains": "Whereas many "Jewish" families are considered by frume yidden to be goyim, l'chatchila, it's better to sell your chometz to a true church-going duch gatribene goy. .
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However, one may keep such people in mind when reciting the brochoh "shelo osani goy.""
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Sheital = Wig. Many women shave their hair after marriage. If you like your wife to look like a Martian, that’s your business. Who am I to judge?
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Mechiras chometz = selling your chometz to a Gentile, in order to get rid of it without wasting it.
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Makos mardus = "Corporal Punishment"; an affectionate nickname, in reference to his disciplinary habits.
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Frume Yidden = Yiddish: Observant Jews.
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Lechatchilah = preferably, as a first choice.
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Durch getribn = through and through, thoroughly and in full practise.
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Brocho shelo osani Goy = Baruch Ata Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha olam, shelo asani goy (blessed art Thou Lord our G-d, king of the world, who has not made me gentile). The blessing which should be said when realizing that we do not live in the deep-south, and, wistfully, when contemplating the miracle of shrimp.
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This concludes our issues for Pesach. Please look for upcoming halachah bulletin's dealing with following issues: --Using happy tunes in kedushah during sfiroh - Wearing light- colored suits during the summer - ussur or menuval birshus haTorah - Has your wall-to-wall carpeting been shatnez tested?
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Light coloured suits during summer = purchase matching talit and linen suit, be stylish, a farfeinter mensh, vi ein emmesse macher! Ask your tailor about ordering early! Groysn discounts hobn mir during our yearly chol ha moed sale! Look like a Melech for the price of a Nebech!
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Wishing you a happy and kosher l'mehadrin min hamehadrin min hamehadin Pesach and hopeful that this year will see the coming of the Moshiach,
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----Rabbi Yisroel Grundfliegel
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And of course, the Rabam wishes everybody a great Chag ha Heruteinu, and Boas Festas e Melhoradas!
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3 Comments:

  • At 10:57 AM, Blogger Mis-nagid said…

    "Shrotzim-free = bland."

    I almost died from inhaling my drink, you letz!

     
  • At 9:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymoshe said…

    Kzeisim ve kbeitzim

     
  • At 4:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Absolutely (and deliciously) heretical!

     

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