HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS, NOW MUCH MORE ZESTY!

One of my friends read Friday's post about high school girls and slutty behaviour (HERE) and was creeped out. Totally! Creeped!! Out!!!

She thinks it's quite my most perverted post yet, and worries about my sanity.
Can I be trusted around children? Probably not.


Well... Dos iz super uber affen geil. Doch. Meeeeeeenshh!!


Even though the point of the post was that behaving like a well-brought-up young lady could lead to being treated like a well-brought-up young lady - in other words, like an adult, or like someone worthy of respect and consideration - apparently my focus on HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS was disturbing.


YOU TOO

So, for all of you college grads, illiterate drunks, and senescent old trailer park reptiles, if you lot ALSO act like well-brought-up young ladies, there is a very good chance that you too will be treated as such.
No questions asked.
Not by me.


CHOICE BEVERAGES FOR YOUNG PERSONS

In the meantime, here are several recipes for froofy drinks at the illegal drinking hole I intend to open across the street from Lowell High School, in order to attract the ever-so-cute brainiacs who study there.
Winsome bespectacled academic damsels!
Charming and so stimulating. Oooooh!
Short, sweet, with sparkling eyes.
They NEED cocktails!

Come here, little miss, would you like a drinkie?


1.
PINK PERFECTION
3 oz gin.
2 oz Apricot Brandy.
2 oz lemon juice.
Two large dashes of grenadine.
Shake over ice and strain into a cocktail glass.

2.
RUBY BLAZE
1 oz Vodka.
1 oz Cherry Brandy.
1 oz Noilly Pratt.
Small dash lime juice.
Small dash orange juice.
3 drops Angostura.
Shake over ice and strain into a cocktail glass.
Add sliced lime and orange on the rim.

3.
GREEN EYES
3 oz Vodka.
2 oz Blue Curacao.
4 oz Orange juice.
1 oz Lime cordial.
Put rocks in a pint glass. Pour in, in order given.
Garnish with an orange slice.

4.
BLUE FIZZ
1 oz Blue Curacao.
Pour into a champagne flute, top up with iced champagne.

5.
APRICOT SOUR
2 oz Apricot Brandy.
1 oz Lime juice.
Half oz Orange juice.
Half oz simple syrup.
Shake with ice, strain into a cocktail glass.
Add a cherry and a lemon peel.

6.
COPPER CAMEL1 oz Bailey's Irish cream.
1 oz butterscotch schnapps.
Put ice in a lowball glass ('Old Fashioned Glass'), then pour in Baileys and schnapps in order given.

7.
THE HENRY DARGER
2 oz Bourbon.
Heavy dash grenadine.
Three drops Angostura.
Over ice in a highball glass. Top with ginger ale.
Add a cherry, a bendy straw, and an umbrella.

8.
FLUFFY DOGOne ounce Cointreau orange liqueur.
One ounce Bailey's Irish cream.
Shake over ice and strain into a cocktail glass.

9.
RUM FLUFF
Two ounces rum.
Two ounces orange juice.
One ounce crème de cassis.
Dash of grenadine.
Shake over ice and strain into a lowball glass. Garnish with a slice of lemon.

10.
MARBLE CAKE SHOT
1 oz each: vodka, crème de vanilla and crème de cacao.
Shake over ice and pour. Garnish with chocolate shavings.

11.
PINK LADY
1 oz shot gin.
Half oz grenadine.
2 oz cream.
Shake over ice and strain into a cocktail glass.
Garnish with a cherry.

12.
GRASSHOPPER
1 oz green crème de menthe.
1 oz crème de cacao (clear preferred).
1 oz heavy cream.
Shake over ice and strain into a cocktail glass.

13.
WHITE COTTON PANTIES
1 oz butterscotch schnapps.
1 oz vanilla vodka.
Shake over ice, pour into a cocktail glass, and garnish with a cherry.

All long drinks will be served with Sanrio swizzle sticks.



THE HAPPY KITTENS LOUNGE

A clean well lighted place for doing your algebra and trigonometry homework.
Comfy chairs and divans for reclining. Big pillows.
Soft classical music.

No boys allowed.

Just knock on the door, and tell them 'Bad Batz Maru' sent you.
Welcome.
There's a heated smoking patio, with heavy glass ashtrays, and a selection of cigarillos.
The spacious powder room has lavender soap, complimentary lotions, and perfume samples.
Chewing gum and strong coffee available at the bar, for when you need to go home.
Refresh yourself.

DEATH BY NOODLES - TAMING THE SAVAGE BEAST

Fellow San Franciscan blogger Snooky Wong, also known as Death By Noodles, has with great forbearance put up with the suggestive and sometimes crude comments of Grant Patel.
[Her blog: http://deathbynoodles.blogspot.com/]


For several weeks, the intemperate Patel has lurked in the comments on her blog, leaving his verbal footprints under nearly every post. He has a fetish, and is almost stalker-like in his attentions. And despite discouragement, he proved impossible to shake, impervious to criticism, and deaf to blandishments. He was persistent, and utterly unmoved.


But no longer. She got him good.

Please view Snooky's latest post, in which she skewers the ungentle Patel.

http://deathbynoodles.blogspot.com/2009/01/panties.html



She takes him to task for his meshune and perverse annotations, then provides the intemperate Patel with four tempting links for his unseemly fetish: 'Her Room Lingerie', 'Petite Lingerie', 'Hello Kitty Lingerie', and 'Dreaming of Lingerie'.

The first three links are to stores that sell brassieres and panties, among many other wonderful things. The fourth link takes the reader (the Patel in question) directly to a site discussing erectile dysfunction.


It looks like poor mr. Patel did not appreciate the gentle humour, and is smarting from the jab.


My regular readers will not be surprised to discover that I have been a reader of ms. Wong's blog from nearly the beginning. And have enjoyed her occasional quirky insights.
[The idea of a fellow blogger being a petite Cantonese girl in the same city as oneself is rather delicious, don't you agree?]


Earlier this month, Death By Noodles took issue with some of the protests on the streets of San Francisco.
Here:
http://deathbynoodles.blogspot.com/2009/01/angry-people-tribes-with-flags.html
And here:
http://deathbynoodles.blogspot.com/2009/01/more-angry-people.html


Significant quote from the second post:
"But some of the older men on the blue and white flag side looked nice. Pinker, too.
They are cute with their little colored beanies."

A better argument for wearing a kippah can scarce be found.

That day I wore no yarmulke, alas, and in consequence I fear she did not notice me at all. I was invisible.

She may have been the charming young lady with a doggie who sat a little distance off on our side of the street. But I will probably never know.
Next time, a keppel. It is necessary.



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MAZZEL TOV, YOU PERVERT

Two of the more socially acceptable fetishes evinced in Japanese Manga and Anime have to do with spectacles and sailor suits.
Spectacles ('megane') are seen by the fans as emphasizing the woman's attractive qualities, accentuating the face and brightening the eyes.
Sailor suits ('seifuku', 'sera-fuku') as worn by high-school girls, well....., I'm not entirely sure what they do. But it's very much like the plaid skirts worn by little Catholic school girls, and subject to the same perverse fantasies. Something about nice thighs, I guess. Plump smooth even-textured and hued feminine leg skin. Delicious.
[There's an entire subdivision of the rag trade vending used seifuku, skirts especially, for role-playing and bed-room fantasies. It is much more wholesome than the sale of used panties in the US, which is baffling and demented - but who am I to judge your foibles?]


For those who wish to see what the fuss is about, here's a link to a totally clean page about seifuku:
http://hontouni.com/taihendesu/?p=577

And here's a link that is just a little bit naughty:
http://animedesho.animeblogger.net/?p=2659


For the spectacle "thing", here's Mizuhara Koyomi (水原 暦), from the series Azumanga Daioh (also totally clean):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Koyomi_Mizuhara

Please note that Koyomi-chan is not wearing a sailor suit. And gracious doesn't she look adorable. You are probably not surprised to hear that huge (huge!) numbers of lonely teenage men think of her as the perfect date. Without anything perverted in mind, just an all-encompassing otaku loneliness that divorces them from the impossibility of meeting her, or the painful realization that SHE. IS. NOT. A. REAL. PERSON!
[We won't even mention the fact that the typical otaku is a walking conversational disaster zone, nearly incapable of actually speaking to a real woman. Or to any other normal human. Much like a soft-ware engineer, in other words.]


There's also a third fetish, that can combine with either of the two mentioned above: cat ears.
Nekomimi ("cat-ears" - 猫耳) or nekomusume ("cat damsel" - 猫娘) show up only occasionally in manga and anime, but are very often featured in cosplay and fan art collections.
[Put on your cat ears, and remove everything else except that red velvet ribbon around your left thigh - ooooooooooh, now you're "purr-fect"!]


So, to recap: School uniform. Cat ears. Glasses. Seifuku - Nekomimi - Meganeko.
The keys to a healthy sex life.
Now you know.
It's what you've been waiting for your whole life.
Your mother will be so glad that you finally got married.

KITTENS AND PORNOGRAPHY

A few weeks ago I discovered imageboards. As you may suspect, the discovery relates to manga (Japanese cartoons) and anime (Japanese animation).

Imageboards are a wonderful invention - the idea is, like much in the modern age, a logical development of computer culture. An imageboard is a place where users post pictures rather than texts. Think of it as a visual blog maintained by several different people.

Sadly, unlike text sites and youtube, imageboards are often warehouses of pornography. Almost every site seems to have a resident smut-poster, some sites are utterly repellent.



THE INTERNET IS DEVOTED TO THREE THINGS, AND ONLY THREE THINGS

It seems like most people do indeed use the internet for only three purposes: Pornography, scamming money, kitten pictures.

The pornography is pretty much self-explanatory - people like pictures, and some people like pictures so much that they obsess. Heck, a nice healthy bit of cheesecake is somewhat like finding candy in an unexpected place. If it's nicely wrapped and lint-free, it's like winning the lottery.

Scams are also pretty intuitive. Human history is a continuing tale of one person pulling a fast one on another person, or on several. Cheating is part of human nature. Kinda like the sexuality which underlies the pornography mentioned earlier. Instead of pictures, descriptive prose.

But the kitten thing is utterly baffling.

I like kittens. But my affection for the little furballs is easily satisfied - if I meet a kitten I'll poke it with a feather or throw a crumpled scrap of paper at it, and both of us will be happy. This needs to happen at least once a decade to be effective.

Some people are a little "different" in that regard.



KITTENS COMING OUT THE WAZOO!

There are hundreds of imageboards and blogs out there devoted to kittens. Kittens. Descriptions of the cute things that kittens have done. Kittens. Photos of little furry kittens. Kittens. Links to videos of kittens. Kittens. Animations, movie clips, pop-ups. Kittens. Sound files. Kittens.

Other than being baffled at the obsessive quality displayed by kitten people, kittens, I have little issue with them and their imageboards. Kittens. Heck, they're a refreshing change from the imageboards that have videos of big-breasted women doing odd things with small nude men interspersed with 'normal' manga pictures, kittens.
Finding a video of physically talented twenty year-olds performing tricks with fat old men in between rather charming anime clips is somewhat disturbing. Kittens. Small people and large people whipping each other before and after pictures of mecha or gundam heroes from boys' manga? Kittens! Not unusual. Kittens. Medical-manual quality reproductions of regenerative organs punctuating scenes from high-school comedy adventures, kittens, precision close ups of breasts and buttocks, kittens, better than life textural photos of conjoined perverts, kittens, scenes of wetness and sweating bestiality, kittens, spanking the fat degenerate? Kittens, kittens, kittens.

Smooth fleshed young girls? Kittens. Pretty boys with tanned legs? Kittens. Curvaceous college co-eds? Kittens. Long legs, blond hair, ferrari? Kittens. A tarpaulin, a sheep, and a bucket of melted chocolate? Kittens, kittens, kittens.

Kittens, kittens, kittens, kittens, kittens, kittens, kittens, kittens, kittens, kittens, kittens, kittens, kittens, kittens!

Miao.

Fortunately for kitten people, kittens and pornography don't really go together. Most perverts instinctively react to kitten boards the same way normal people react to images of child-pornography - by physically starting back with a nauseated feeling. Utter repulsion and disgust. At least I imagine so (I also hope that the kitten pictures give them nightmares and haunt their waking moments).

Most kitten boards are clean. Boring, but clean.



DOCTOR ZOIDBERG

In between the islands of kittens and continents of pornography on the imageboards one can occasionally find something wholesome. I recently found an animated clip of Dr. Zoidberg (the hero of Futurama) doing a crab dance. When I grow up I want to be just like him!
I can't remember where I found it, though. Sorry. Be very careful looking for it - if you type "thumbnail crab dance" as your search criteria, you'll find a lot of sites devoted to incest or inter racial gay sex. Crabdance as one word gets you ethnography, Russian pornography, and kittens.