WHAT KIND OF TEXAN?

In another week the most exciting sports event of the world will take place when the Dutch face off against the Japanese in Texas. Two civilized nations in the heart of darkness, battling each other instead of the natives. I feel for both of them, and can just imagine the shock and horror they will feel when they discover watery beer and canned tuna sushi. Dallas, low to mid nineties, and Dale Gribble all over the place.

Years ago the company for which I worked had a customer in Nederland, Texas, a town founded by a lost Dutchman but since then populated by racists, rednecks, and inbred Jeds from Louisiana, who had been extended commercial credit by the crevious credit department before I got there. Sumbitch never paid the open invoice I inherited from my predecessor, so after trying to collect for several months and geting precisely nowhere, I sent off a diplomatic letter and on the date mentioned therein I forwarded the file to a collection agency. A year and a half later I got a screaming phonecall by someone speaking Texan, who swore he'd pay us if only we got that "damned nigger" off of him.

So I called up the collection agency. They had put their blackest sounding man on the case. He'd called up twice a day, five days a week, and calmly left a message on the machine. For one and a half years. I spke to him. Good man. Ex military, if I remember correctly.

Anyhow, we took the Texan sumbitch's card, charged it for the invoice, and paid the agency their percentage. Never did business with anyone in Nederland, Texas, again.
They're a bunch of right funts. Nedeland, Texas.

Despite the account executive at the collection agency which employed big black-sounding Bubba also being from Texas, and a very nice woman, quite the sweetest thing, I've always had a slight preconception about Texas, since they started voting out sane peole and voting in asshats. Just can't shake it. Molly Ivins and Anne Richards were splendid people. After them the dingoes took over.

So even though thousands of Orange men will briefly visit Texas next week, I shan't join them. I support the team, but life is too short to drink shitty beer and eat boiled armadillo.

Good luck.



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