Wednesday, March 16, 2022


If you are a normal American, you still have several hundred rolls of toilet paper which you bought during the frenzy two years ago stashed in your trailer. And you've discovered that toilet paper is chemically unstable. Some brands turn yellowish and acidic after two years, others loose their elasticity and no longer hold together when handled, falling apart in little powdery shreds that you now can't get off the fingers of your right hand when you flush.
Plus you also have itchy lint in unimaginable places. It's a pain in the .....

Yeah um. My piles bleed for you. There never was a bumwad shortage, and during March of 2020 neither my apartment mate nor myself went totally ape... .
We bought no more TP than usual.

When the Apocalypse hits, Americans will have enough toilet paper and gas station convenience store brand vodka to stave off any number of zombies.

After two years, toilet paper becomes a bio-hazard. The rats that nested in it have mutated. They're now watching Tucker Carlson, and threaten to dismember you if you change the channel. And they're more respected as members of your church than you are. Plus they're urging you to take a job at Mickey D's during the present worker shortage, because that way you can A) score free junkfood (extra cheese), and B) visit the loo elsewhere instead of depleting their nests of insulation and little powdery shreds.

Sure, you are the Apex predator in the household.
But they are the Bpex, and don't you forget.
Your life has changed.
Sadly, folding toilet paper into origami of assault rifles, as you wish your children would do in their free time (good Christian handicrafts that keep their mind off becoming gay and moving to San Francisco) has proven impossible. It disintegrates and causes chemical burns that discolour their finger tips.

The giant radioactive centipede is breaking down your door.
She knows you have toilet paper there.

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