SMOKING WILD TURKEYS

Their leader rested against an overturned truck, cradling his assault rifle, with a cigar in his mouth and a happy smirk all over his face. It had been good. Really good. Their enemies had screamed and wept, and to all appearances had begged for mercy before being shot.


The strip mall was a smoldering waste land; scraps, rags, and broken bits of coloured plastic everywhere. The shoppers had been caught entirely be surprise, and had been quite unable to even hide or flee.
It was so horribly unexpected. The truckloads of fighters had roared into the parking lot from all directions, and jumped out with their guns. Expertly they herded their victims into the centre, and left them under heavily armed guard, then split up into platoons to search all the shops and hidy-holes. They still smarted from their defeat four weeks ago.

These were very angry turkeys. Their planned insurrection before Thanksgiving had failed to materialize, due to disorganization, and an inability to lock and load the stolen riffles. Wings and feathers just don't provide much leverage, and some of them accidentally shot themselves. Not surprising, when so many of them were actually dumber than chickens. Several were sub-moronic, and totally unable to even understand the concept of rebellion. Those had been easy to purge from the army -- just shove them out into the rain and tell them to look at the sky -- but it had still been painful.

The farmers had harvested many of them for the feasts of the two-legged creatures, and some had even been humiliated by being stuffed into black coats and tall pointy black hats, then put on display behind chicken wire in this very mall. It had been SO humiliating!


THE PLANNING STAGE

But in the intervening four weeks, they had chosen new leaders; the brainiest and most determined turkeys, among those who had survived the first cull.
They had modified the guns, so that even birds could use them.
They had acquired a map of the mall.

They planned their assault for the last possible moment: the giant breeding frenzy during the last shopping day before the feast, when the two legged monsters would be frantic and roaring, females elbowing each other fiercely out of the way while gathering glittery things for their nests, men cowering in tense clumps, tremblingly awaiting the rampant other sex.


It ended almost before it began. Humans do not expect to be shot at from near-ground level, by turkeys wearing camouflage. They had thought it was a Christmas publicity stunt by one of the big box chainstores.

Besides, turkeys in little army uniforms actually look so cuuuuute!

Oohooooh!


THE OUTPOST

They found the last cluster of hide-outs in the cigar store on the far-side of the mall, where there were no neighbors who might object to the tobacco smoke wafting from the doorway. In the back area of the store, several corpulent mature specimens were oblivious to the mayhem that raged outside, as they sat in front of a television with stogies in their beaks.
They died without a whimper, without even seeing their attackers.

The turkeys raided the humidors systematically, delighted to have finally found something in the gigantic wasteland of plastic and vulgarity that was actually worth having. They divided the loot equitably among the troops, and shifted several hundred boxes of Hondurans and Nicaraguans, even some fancy designer cheroots from an industrial suburb of Miami, into their trucks. Then they organized a food line at the Kentucky Fried Place, by platoon.
Once they had all eaten, they lit up.


Best Christmas ever.


NEXT

After this, they planned to liberate the monkeys from the test lab. They had heard that humans ate those too. And they really needed allies with actual hands. Fingers and leverage and crap.
The raccoons had been useless.
Bunch of inveterate alkies.
Raiding liquor stores.
Popping cans.


Still much to do. Too many humans.



==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================