Some people believe that they are truly the first ones to read about certain events. And they, they alone, are privy to the data that explains the world. These people are slightly problematic - they forward at random everything they see.
I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH SELECTIVE FORWARDING!
But newsitems about cats, hamsters, omelettes, hamsters in omelettes, fabulous pasta dishes, dildo disasters, hamsters in lieu of dildoes, and celebrity scandals (even with hamsters and dildoes) are not my tickky.
Neither am I fascinated by the pimple on Mustafa Barghouti's arse (infected!), or the acid-indigestion of Emir Faisal (stripped his stomach lining!). Opinionation about the fine details of the paint-job on the most recent Gaza boat (powder-blue!) do not interest me.
Whether the Palestinians can be trusted to polish European knobs (superior!) in a suitably flattering way (we like you!), or the charming shininess (blinding!) of Avigdor Lieberman's smile - dos alts iz mir gonz scheiss-egal. Echt und ba-emmes!
I'm subscribed to over a dozen news services.
When Abu Mazen blinks, I get to read about it several times, for several weeks.
Same for General Motors having a bad hair day (different news services and alerts than the Abu Mazen hiccough).
What fashionista Brüno thinks about the Hijab (fabulous!), or which delicious young slut (big tits!) Silvio Berlusconi is no longer treifing..... Meh, I'll read it online. When I get to it. And if.
SPECIAL PROMOTIONS JUST FOR YOU!
The Gazet van Antwerp, the Volkskrant, and several other European newspapers seem to believe that I wish to participate in reader surveys, prize drawings, on-line competitions or Oorah Auctions (actually, that's just Yeshiva Verld and a few other institutions).
I do not wish to win the free laptop. I shall not spend ten days in Ibiza upon winning the newspaper drawing. I do not need a complete makeover, or a recommendation for a boob-job.
Nor do I believe reports that I have won a huge lottery prize. Funds in a West-African bank can jolly well stay there.
I receive identical adverts for Ahava facial cleanser and super seforim sales from several different sources, as well as stern lectures from the J4J's (plus the same sermon three times each week!) despite my complexion being stunning, my Hebrew being limited, and my belief-system being decidedly un-Christian.
Even Amazon and Alibris have gotten into the act, along with several other book sellers. Collectively, they are convinced that I am a born-again Christian sexual deviant involved in stage-productions, as well as a collector of women's watches, handbags, and sexy high-heeled shoes.
My deleted items folder receives several hundred donations every day; it's grown fat and sassy from the frequent feeding.
MY BUTT HURTS!
I'm so connected I got wires coming outta my takht; the electrical sparks are probably setting fire to my haemorrhoid pillow.
Going back to the stone age is beginning to look mighty attractive. Nice soft rocks.
At this point, all I want to read about is SEX.
And the credit histories of prospective customers.
Please send me the names and addresses of delicious yet impossibly mature teenagers, or the payment habits of businesses applying for net thirty terms.
I promise I'll read it - especially the stuff about the teenagers.
Particularly if they are feisty, curvaceous, and petite, and live in SF.
If the businesses applying for terms are also feisty, curvaceous, and petite, that too.
And ESPECIALLY if they are located in San Francisco!
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NOTE: This message is aimed specifically at a woman in Westchester County (NY), and certain "newspapers". Plus the idiot who keeps sending me cute cat stories. Miao!
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THEIR NATURAL HABITAT
There are more dogs in this neighborhood than children. One very rarely sees people walking their children outside when one is, hypothetical...
6 comments:
You get a lot of postings about omelettes?
Actually, analysts are starting to theorize that the current economic crisis originated with the marketing of Viagra for hamsters. This precipitated the collapse of the hamster dildo market. An economic "domino effect" ensued and well, there it is.
Miao! its a talking muffin!
As a habitual forwarder of things that interest me (I never forward other things), I rely on my adressees to let me know when enough is enough or when a subject is no longer appreciated. I am sometimes on the receiving end of forwards-- I hate the corny, prayerful and sappy ones. There is one schmuck who continually sends me those; to him, I send all the ones I hate. I know this must encourage him to send more, but I leave it alone because now and then I get either a gut-busting laugh from him or depictions of those things we guys love to hold near to us.
Bob
Again, no problem with reasonable material.
Ideological rants, crap about kittens, Jesus seminars, and stuff I've seen in ten thousand different places (Obama Is a Muslim Nazi from Outer Space, We're Holding on to an Outpost near the Jordanian Border Where No One Lives Because We Don't Like Arabs And It's Where a Prophet No One Reads But Who Is Nevertheless Holy Holy Holy ! ! ! Is Buried, plus Mel Gibson Loves Hamsters And Abu Mazen Therefore Hamsters Are Evil ! ! ! ) - these will get my dander up.
The person in Westchester is particularly guilty of this. But as she does not read stuff outside of her own luncheon meat narrow field of interest, alas, she will not see this post.
I'm hoping the cat nut does see this. If he does a google search for "cute cat stories".
Anybody who wants to send me pictures of cute Japanese porn stars with modest breastage, go right ahead. If they look intelligent and happy, so much the better. Repetitive e-mails of that ilk will brighten my day. Not to mention grab my interest.
Please pretend that there is a credit and collections connection somehow. If possible.
Furtonately I know nothing about cats. I am a hamster man myself.
I just LOVE hamsters. They are DELICIOUS!
---Melt Princeton
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