FOUR BY DAN
It contains nothing of a Jewish nature.
It is not funny.
Nothing Dutch will be slagged.
Nothing Christian will be trashed.
There are NO deep and meaningful observations.
I have four products by DAN TOBACCO in my stockpile.
LIMERICK VIRGINIA FLAKE
A dark flake, with 5% Perique.
It is woodsy, musty, spicy, and grassy.
SHANNON – SWEET & MELLOW
Virginias with a top casing (which is melon-like).
Sweet and fruity – if not dried out a bit, too fruity. But it is clean smoking.
[One tin only – purchased so that the several tins of LIMERICK would have someone to talk to. I’m not crazy.]
Grassy, sweet, figgy. Mild and well-behaved. Smooth. Probably has a touch of Burley.
[A ‘veermaster’ is a four-masted ship much resembling a clipper. A kind of schooner, maybe. They're proud of it in Hamburg.]
TORDENSKJOLD OLD VIRGINIA SLICES
Virginia and Perique (but probably less than four percent Perique, as it is does not stand out).
Nice little tangy slices of flake with a sweet top note. Of an ilk with Hamborger Veermaster.
[The lid bears the visage of Scandinavian naval hero Peder Wessel Tordenskjold ('thundershield'), born 1691, died 1720. There is a statue of him in his native town of Trondheim (the home of the Trøndurs).]
All told, around twenty tins. I do not smoke Virginias enough to overstock these products. Unlike the English, Balkan, and Oriental mixtures, of which I have over six hundred tins (over four hundred of Dunhill alone). But Virginias can be a very pleasant smoke, and do not off-piss the female of the species much more than is strictly necessary.
The other evening I was in the teevee room with a load of flake on, when Savage Kitten hollered from the other room: “Are you SMOKING in there?” I responded with: “I don’t know WHAT you mean!”. She then asked “Old Toad, are you LYING?” Again I answered “I don’t know WHAT you mean!”
About fifteen minutes later she came in and discovered that I was indeed smoking (the trick to plausible deniability is not actual denial but dissimulation – please remember that).
Had I been smoking something like Durbar or 965, with the rich heady fragrance of Latakia and the delightfully resinous perfume of Turkish leaf wafting forth without restraint, I am sure she would not have asked whether I was smoking, but have firmly yelled something to the effect that 'nasty stinky brimstone weed belongs in the kitchen or out on the front-steps!'. Or even out past the end of the block by the colony of bums sleeping in the church doorway.
And there would have been no recourse.
Call me fragile, but I very much prefer to smoke indoors.
NOTE: I have several other Virginias in the stockpile, in addition to some blended MacBaren products. But I have no Dutch tobaccos, as they are putrid, hot-smoking, or bland - sometimes all three, with nasty tongue-burn guaranteed. Harsh and nauseating. No one should have Dutch tobacco. This is by no means a slag but simply a statement of fact.
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All correspondence will be kept in confidence.