At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

FOUR BY DAN

This posting will be of no interest whatsoever to most readers.
It contains nothing of a Jewish nature.
It is not funny.
Nothing Dutch will be slagged.
Nothing Christian will be trashed.
There are NO deep and meaningful observations.


I have four products by DAN TOBACCO in my stockpile.


LIMERICK VIRGINIA FLAKE
A dark flake, with 5% Perique.
It is woodsy, musty, spicy, and grassy.


SHANNON – SWEET & MELLOW
Virginias with a top casing (which is melon-like).
Sweet and fruity – if not dried out a bit, too fruity. But it is clean smoking.
[One tin only – purchased so that the several tins of LIMERICK would have someone to talk to. I’m not crazy.]

HAMBORGER VEERMASTER
Golden Flake.
Grassy, sweet, figgy. Mild and well-behaved. Smooth. Probably has a touch of Burley.
[A ‘veermaster’ is a four-masted ship much resembling a clipper. A kind of schooner, maybe. They're proud of it in Hamburg.]


TORDENSKJOLD OLD VIRGINIA SLICES
Virginia and Perique (but probably less than four percent Perique, as it is does not stand out).
Nice little tangy slices of flake with a sweet top note. Of an ilk with Hamborger Veermaster.
[The lid bears the visage of Scandinavian naval hero Peder Wessel Tordenskjold ('thundershield'), born 1691, died 1720. There is a statue of him in his native town of Trondheim (the home of the Trøndurs).]


All told, around twenty tins. I do not smoke Virginias enough to overstock these products. Unlike the English, Balkan, and Oriental mixtures, of which I have over six hundred tins (over four hundred of Dunhill alone). But Virginias can be a very pleasant smoke, and do not off-piss the female of the species much more than is strictly necessary.


The other evening I was in the teevee room with a load of flake on, when Savage Kitten hollered from the other room: “Are you SMOKING in there?” I responded with: “I don’t know WHAT you mean!”. She then asked “Old Toad, are you LYING?” Again I answered “I don’t know WHAT you mean!
About fifteen minutes later she came in and discovered that I was indeed smoking (the trick to plausible deniability is not actual denial but dissimulation – please remember that).


Had I been smoking something like Durbar or 965, with the rich heady fragrance of Latakia and the delightfully resinous perfume of Turkish leaf wafting forth without restraint, I am sure she would not have asked whether I was smoking, but have firmly yelled something to the effect that 'nasty stinky brimstone weed belongs in the kitchen or out on the front-steps!'. Or even out past the end of the block by the colony of bums sleeping in the church doorway.

And there would have been no recourse.

Call me fragile, but I very much prefer to smoke indoors.


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NOTE: I have several other Virginias in the stockpile, in addition to some blended MacBaren products. But I have no Dutch tobaccos, as they are putrid, hot-smoking, or bland - sometimes all three, with nasty tongue-burn guaranteed. Harsh and nauseating. No one should have Dutch tobacco. This is by no means a slag but simply a statement of fact.




TOBACCO INDEX


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3 Comments:

  • At 10:21 AM, Blogger Tzipporah said…

    Interesting. So she'll let you smoke in the KITCHEN? I would think that as bad as anywhere else in the house, or worse, since it might get into the food.

    Surely you should have a study or library or some sort, a 'smoking den' (not unlike a den of iniquity, only with more books and better company).

     
  • At 10:26 AM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    The kitchen window is always wide open, the door swings shut by itself, and there are no small stuffed animals in there.

    [In fact, most of the small stuffed roomies are not allowed into the kitchen after the Head Sheep (a small degenerate made out of a sock) tried slamming the oven door on one of the others while she was making biscuits. He says it was an accident - but we have observed that for some reason he always looks incredibly guilty.]

     
  • At 12:52 PM, Blogger Spiros said…

    I think you are mistaking a sheepish look for a guilty look.

     

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