IN EVERY LIFE A BADGER MUST FALL

Yesterday someone shook my hand three times because I was smoking a pipe. And, apparently, I totally rule. But I would have been a lot more charmed if he had been a woman.
And, if he had been a woman, I would have explained that instead of huffing cigars, which he-who-would-better-have-been-a-woman did, a pipe was within her reach. And provided an immeasurably broader spectrum of pleasure than a cheroot.

Though women will, like men, occasionally sport a cigar even if they aren't regular smokers, quite unlike men they will not acquire a pipe for that once every two or three weeks moment when they need time to themselves, indulging in a quiet hour with a cup of tea and a spot of resinous puffery.
That's very odd. It can't be the expense -- many women own shoes they haven't worn since that ghastly wedding of their third-cousin the failed real-estate developer to the Romanian beauty queen Miss Sarmalute (stuffed cabbage) of 1995 -- but the idea of having a secret object of delicious vice hidden in their clean underwear drawer disturbs them.
Somehow, it seems to suggest, they aren't wholly innocent.
It might be discovered, and require explanation.


Stuffed cabbage is sarmale, in case you were wondering. From Turkish 'sarma' ("rolled"). It's often served with peppers and polenta (mamaliga).
Romanians do fabulous pork dishes, and soups both hearty and satisfying. Frequently there is a haunting tanginess to their food.
They also have an array of sweet dishes.
As well as tripe.


The individual who so admired the fact that I smoked a pipe was the male equivalent of Miss Sarmalute 1995. Under no circumstances would one describe him as petite, trim, or vibrant. Though there may have been a perkiness still lurking within from long ago.


We judge people differently because of their gender. A man who yearns to smoke a pipe, we feel, is expressing an individuality, and doing the best he can to get in touch with repressed feelings.
Quite unfairly, a woman who would like to smoke a pipe is often considered to be a shoe-collector gone horribly wrong, and possibly a closet intellectual. With 'artistic' tendencies.


For my next project, I should like to instruct a young lady in the finer points of pipe smoking. Well-made briar objects, fine even grain, superlatively old wood, and a silky surface. Translucent patterning. What to look for in a sandblast, and why some shapes are classic.
Aged leaf, Latakia and Perique, and the numerous choices.

It's not just about indulgence or nicotine; it's also training for a lifetime of spotting aspects of quality, and making distinctions of taste.


Everyone experiments with aromatic mixtures for a while, but the educated palate eschews such perfumed trickery.


Above all, it's a learning process.


Continue to learn.
Avoid tripe.
Always.

TOBACCO INDEX


==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

A PREGNANT WOMAN, SEVERAL OLD FOSSILS, A CRAZY MAN, AND A SWEET YOUNG THING

This blogger prides himself on his refined taste.
Never more so than right now.

There was a female person sitting opposite me on the bus.
Number 10 Townsend going up Pacific.
Just past tea time.



Elegantly sculpted lips? Check.

Lovely cheeks? Check.

Radiance? Check.

An air of vulnerability? Check.

Pensiveness? Check.

Intelligent awareness in her eyes? Check.

A face that showed strong character? Check.


Right age demographic? Wrongo!


She looked like she was in junior college at best. The majority of people at that tender age cannot possibly be interested in a snarky middle-aged Dutchman. Good lord, they're still at the Hello Kitty stage of life, probably, and into texting. It would be best if they were unaware of middle-aged Dutchmen, snarky or far otherwise.
I'll fess to snark.

Yes, there was NO evidence at all of Hello Kitty anywhere in her life. Her backpack certainly was neither decorated with Hello Kitty, nor dolled up with Kitty decals or fluffy things. And she had a thoughtfulness about her which strongly suggested that Hello Kitty was not a significant part of her brain.
In which things were clearly going on. The brain, that is. Possibly she was worrying about a school paper, or when she would have time to read that great novel she has on her bed-side table. Even whether there's anyone she can discuss things with.

No Hello Kitty.

Still, better do the gentlemanly thing and NOT catch her eye. Simply keep drinking in her lovely expressive visage by utilizing peripheral vision.
I've got excellent peripherality.

She got off three stops ahead of me.

Oh crap.

The old fossil sitting next to her was not nearly so nice to look at.
I cannot get her out of my head. Him, I've already forgotten.
Plain pink backpack. Small hands. Intelligent face.
I think her canvas shoes were red.
Not entirely sure.




==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

HONG KONG STYLE FRENCH TOAST - OR, DENIALISM, SELF-INDULGENCE, AND SOMETHING FREUDIAN, WHILE CLOGGING THE ARTERIES

Late yesterday evening I asked my Facebook friends which one was better, shellfish or venery. Sofar the results have been rather disappointing. Turns our that of the two hundred people I know, only two have informed opinions.

One of them wrote: "For me, eating Nutella out of the jar with a spoon is as good as it gets."

The only other response was "Shellfish at Waterbar for happy hour then Scoma's for full entrees and then back home for venery. But which is better? Stomach or loin. A challenging decision. I'm going with venery."

Only TWO opinions.

One of which stresses Nutella.


While I can imagine a hazelnut chocolate spread being employed in both categories, it seems more instinctive to throw it into the venery basket. So I'll conclude that that's two thumbs up for venery and a shout-out for shellfish.

The problem is: I know how to go about the shellfish thing. But I live in San Francisco, so venery is well-nigh out of the question.
Barring temptation from thokunni alfar.


I really don't feel like buying a jar of Nutella.


"Eating Nutella out of the jar with a spoon is as good as it gets."


I've got a jar of peanut butter.

It's a sign.

Naturally, that suggests Hong Kong style French toast.
What else could it possibly be?

Two slices of white bread, crusts cut off. One of them smeared liberally with peanut butter, then the other one pressed on top. The whole thing dipped in beaten egg, and fried in lots of butter till golden. Serve with thick drizzles of sweetened condensed milk and golden syrup, more melting butter on top, and a dusting of powdered sugar.

Best with a nice hot or cold glass of pantyhose tea.

Still not an adequate substitute for venery, but pretty darn close.
Perhaps I should share it with someone.



NOTES:

非常出名香港茶餐廳之法蘭西多士 —— 食材: 麵包2片、蛋2隻、花生醬適量、同奶油、煉奶、糖粉、糖漿少許。 麵包切去粗燥的邊緣, 分別抹上花生醬, 麵包疊。雞蛋打散後, 盡量將麵包均勻沾上蛋液, 加熱平底鍋, 加入奶油至奶油稍熱, 將沾了蛋液的麵包以中火煎至兩邊緣各煎至熟。 放融化的黃油、黃糖漿、淡奶和糖粉在上面。

Words that spellcheck hated: Venery. Sofar. Nutella. Waterbar. Scoma's. Hong.
I just wrote every one of them again, so there.
I like teasing spellcheck.



==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

MOSTLY FOOD AND POETRY

For the first time ever, people are reading totally clean crap on this blog. Not that there has ever been anything even remotely explicit here, but over the years some of my more risqué titles have pulled in lost perverts. I've always been keen to magnetize my attraction, and entitling a post about clearing a customer for net thirty terms "we looked at Bob stripped bare (and it weren't pretty)" is far more likely to draw visitors than if it was listed as "kudos, Bob; you ain't entirely a hoser".

Or, for example, "cleared for net".

Honestly, I don't mind the desperate wandering internet perverts. Far better that they remain in their dank basements, fingering their greasy keyboards with pudgy palsied fingers, than ride on the bus and scare little children.

Eventually we'll simply cement their door shut.

I like pervs. But not that much.


Today's readers are fine upstanding folks. They're curious, and they wish to investigate matters that interest them on the internet.
Perhaps they have a keen intellectual bent.

There isn't a smutaholic in the bunch.


Today my readers visited the following posts:


SHI - CHINESE VERSE WITH LINES OF FIVE OR SEVEN SYLLABLE LENGTH [AND IF THAT ISN'T THE MOST EXCITING TITLE FOR A POST, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS!]
Nov 21, 2007

CHINESE NEW YEAR - LUCKY WISHES, LUCKY FOODS
Jan 30, 2011

SEA CUCUMBER - SOAKING AND BRAISING A DELICIOUS SLUG
Oct 1, 2011

TAI PO MARKET 大埔
Apr 20, 2011

HAM SAP LO - THE CANTONESE PERVERT
Apr 27, 2011

HO SI FAT CHOI 好事發財 DRIED OYSTERS WITH BLACK MOSS
Feb 1, 2011

WONTON, WANTAN, WUNTUN: HON'S WUN TUN HOUSE AND SCRAWNY MAK
Jan 3, 2011

SHANGHAI BUND: A PLACE, A TELEVISION SERIES, AND A WAY OF LIFE
Apr 13, 2013

CANTONESE HOME COOKING
Oct 5, 2013

FOUR FACES CHU SONG - ECONOMY OF EXPRESSION IN CHINESE
Dec 27, 2010




Readers who found exactly what they wanted here today are people one could definitely get along with. And I'm glad I could be of service.

Let me know if you have any questions on these subjects.

And thank you for dropping by.

See you again soon.



==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

CONSIDER THE OYSTER

One comment was awaiting my attention this morning. Unfortunately, it was posted in the letterbox where my private correspondence goes. Remarks placed there are not made publicly, being just from the reader to the blogman himself, and writers' identities are not ever divulged.
But unlike many of the entries there it was not spam.

Consequently, while I will share the reaction with you, the name of the reader who said it can not be given.

Someone recently wrote:

"While studying for the Internal Medicine boards, I searched for an image of podagra and found your post; as a very visual learner, I wanted something to help me remember the new gout guidelines that were published in the February "Annals of the Rheumatic Diseases." I could not have asked for a more wonderfully hilarious synopsis and imagery! Thank you for brightening my morning study session. "

End quote.


In the post that mentions podagra I stated that the reputed causes for gout were venery, dissolution, and excessive consumption of seafood.
Among other things.

Being myself quite the filthy-minded old fox, I cannot think of anything better to bring on punishment than those three. Were it not for the dire consequences, I should indulge daily.

Instead I lead a life quite lacking.

No venery.

No dissolution.

No excess of seafood.


My sporadically feverish foot enforces temperance. I'm fairly certain that venery and gout have little or no connection -- which is something I should like to put to the test someday, on a modest and altogether tasteful and sensible scale, should opportunity smile upon me -- but dissolution, and an excess of seafood, are scary prospects.

I've seen the dissolute; their comportment does not recommend itself.
Oysters and other crustaceous things are lovely, but I've learned my lesson; I'll share these with someone, but not have more than a bite or two myself. A mere taste and the charming company of someone else stuffing her sweet young face would be quite enough.


Oddly, while I was preparing coffee this morning, the thought that crossed my mind was "dang, I need a girlfriend". Not "dang I need some lobster bisque", or "dang, I need to dance Gangnam-style with a lampshade over my head", but "dang, girlfriend".

Whereupon a certain neurotic thinking pattern asserted itself.

Defining the ideal in very specific terms. Height (forehead on a level with the alligator magnet on the refrigerator), particular physical dimensions and characteristics (hands are VERY important), and endowments of intellect, character, and personality of both high and equal measure.
Can she converse engagingly about food?
While stuffing herself with oysters.
It's an exciting concept.


One can get a plate of oysters nicely steamed with ginger and cilantro at a number of excellent restaurants within easy distance of the apartment, and there's also one place on a tree-lined street nearby that offers a selection of the beasties raw as an hors d'oeuvre. As well as mussels in broth.
And their mutual cousins, the clams.

Stroll home afterwards, holding bivalve-smeared hands.

Rational people dream of such things.

It's our venerous nature.

Oysters.




==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

INDIA: THE BRASTACHARI REPUBLIC

In June it will be thirty years since Indira Gandhi ordered the massacre in the Golden Temple in Amritsar, at the end of October the anniversary of her assassination will be observed, and the tens of thousands murdered by Hindu mobs led by Congress Party goondas will be remembered. What has the Indian government done since then to bring about justice?

Well, the answer to that is simple: nothing.

They've created commissions.
Formed august bodies.
And covered-up.


Admitting the role of prominent politicians and the upper echelons of the Delhi police in the mass murder that took place over five days in November 1984 would upset the apple-cart.
Can't do that. It would shake the foundations.

Political leaders who distributed kerosene so that Sikhs might be burned alive have thrived, and charges against them have been dismissed.
The Delhi police -- usually singularly useless -- proved themselves adept at standing by during events, denying all responsibility since, and destroying evidence in the years afterwards.

In the years since then, the Congress Party has solidified its position as the home away from home for murderously corrupt officials, and the other political movements have appealed to the Hindu Nationalists and entrenched interests, when not sanctioning "enforcement" against non-cooperative businessmen, or organizing sectarian conflict.

In point of fact, the majority of officials in India are beneficiaries of corruption on a monumental scale, and consequently have no interest in law and order, or even justice, beyond what is necessary to keep the lower classes at bay and incendiarists from burning down the edifice of state.
Rectitude would destroy the government.
And impoverish the rulers.


When India boasts that it is the world's largest democracy, it would be well to remind them that they are also the world's largest corruptocracy.


There is very little that can be said that puts the Indian state in a good light. Perhaps the only thing that makes them look good is that Pakistan is a far greater failure as a nation.



Afterword: yes, I realize that January 26 or August 15 would both be better publishing days for this little essay. But feel free to reread it then; it will be just as accurate, and ever apposite.



==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

DOUBLE HAPPINESS: MUI CHOI KAU YUK AND SUEN CHOI PAAK YUK

Over the past few weeks I've casually discussed Chinese food on this blog, and mentioned several tasty things of an odd nature. Odd, that is, to the ethnicities one might snidely call "uncomplicated-American".
Late yesterday I woke up with a start and realized that the one dish which is guaranteed to repel diet-conscious office types AND moronic football fans in equal measure is mui choi kau yuk; fatty pork and salt cabbage ("plum vegetable").

It is delicious, evocative of good things, home-style, and luxurious.
A necessary element in your life.


MUI CHOI KAU YUK 梅菜扣肉
Fatty pork with salt cabbage.

One pound pork belly meat.
Quarter to half cup mui choi (梅菜), or slightly more.
Three cloves garlic, slivered.
Several slices of ginger, slivered.
Two TBS soy sauce, plus a little extra.
One TBS rice wine or sherry.
Half TBS sugar.
Small pinch five spice powder.

Coarsely chop the mui choi, then rinse it in a sieve to remove sand. Dump it in a bowl of cold water and let it soak for an hour. Drain, then rinse, drain and rinse again. This removes the salt used to preserve it.
Set it aside.

Wash the hunk of pork belly, pat it dry with a paper towel. Use a fork to pierce the skin, then rub it with a little extra soy sauce and the pinch of five spice powder, and set it aside for half an hour.

In skillet or wok sear the chunk of pork belly on the skin side till crispy-brown, then colour it all over in the hot grease that will have rendered. Remove pork from pan.
Drain most of the grease (which can be saved or discarded, as you choose), and parch the mui choi, adding the slivered ginger and garlic half-way through. The purpose is to concentrate flavours slightly, not to fully cook the vegetable matter at this stage.

Put the pork belly in a heavy enameled sauce pan OR a clay pot, distribute the mui choi around it, and add the two tablespoons of soy sauce, the sugar, and the sherry. Put it on heat, and when it reaches boiling temperature, cover it, slip a heat absorber underneath, lower the heat to barely alive, and let it gently cook for three or four hours till the pork is quite tender. Check it occasionally to avoid scorching, and to spoon some of the liquid over the meat. Add water if necessary.

When it is done, remove from heat, and cut the pork belly chunk into finger thick chopstickable slices -- this can be done while leaving it in the pot -- dump some chopped cilantro on top, and serve.

[A slightly different version of this dish is here: mui choi kau yuk.]


Fatty meat with cabbage is typically a winter delight, sure to please friends and family if they are sensible people, and quite utterly horrifying to most suburbanites.

So, to expand your repertoire with a dish in the same earthy vein, which is also superb and yummy, here's a recipe for a northern Chinese favourite which is nearly as popular among southerners nowadays.
Both dishes should be accompanied by rice.
Plenty of steamed rice.
And chili paste!


SUEN CHOI PAAK YUK 酸菜白肉
Sour cabbage and white-cooked pork.

One package of North-East style sour cabbage (東北酸菜).
Scant pound of fatty pork.
One or two enoki clumps, trimmed and sliced.
A small handful of dried tofu sticks.
Two TBS rice wine or sherry.
A few thick slices of ginger, slivered.
One or two garlic cloves, slivered.
Two chopped scallion.
Half TBS chili paste.
A pinch of five spice powder.
Drops of sesame oil.
Drops of tabasco.
Cilantro.

Rinse and drain the sour cabbage, chop it coarsely. Scrub the lump of pork, brown it on the skin side to form a nice dark crust, then dump it in a pot of boiling lightly salted water along with some of the scallion and ginger, and simmer it for two hours. Take it out and let it cool.

Soak the tofu sticks till soft, drain, and cut into long chunks.

Heat a little oil in wok or skillet, gild the ginger and garlic to aromatize. Add the scallion, soon followed by the chili paste, then the rice wine or sherry to sizzle. Dump this into a roomy clay pot or enameled stew-pan, with the five spice powder. Add the tofu sticks, cut enoki, and the cabbage, with water to cover and a splash of the pork simmering liquid.
Cook for about ten minutes.

Slice the now cooled and fully cooked pork into thickish slices, add to the pot, with more liquid; the soupiness of the dish will be part of the pleasure. Cook another five or ten minutes.

Dash in a little sesame oil and tabasco, cilantro on top, and serve.



NOTES:

Pork belly, or 'fatty pork', is usually called ng-faa naam (五花腩 five flower pork brisket) in Chinese markets. The layers of intense fat and reddish lean meat alternate beautifully, and you should select what suits you. Bear in mind that there is supposed to be a balance, which is what makes it so versatile and delicious.

Plum vegetable (梅菜 'mui choi') is a small brassica preserved with salt.
I usually buy the canned version.

Five spice powder (五香粉 'ng heung fan') is made of star-anise (八角 'baat gok'), fennel seed (小茴香 'siu wui heung'), cassia bark (肉桂、玉桂 'yuk gwai'), fagara pepper corns (花椒 'faa chiu'), and cloves (丁香 'ding heung').

Enoki (金針菇 'gam jam gu') are thin pale yellow mushrooms that are sold in lumps growing from a single spore-clump. You don't need much in 酸菜白肉 as they are included merely for a bit of contrast. Wash them first, trim off the base, and just dump them in.

Dried tofu sticks (腐竹 'fu juk') are strips of the congealed skin that results when boiling soy milk, collected and hung up to dry. This product absorbs flavours most marvelously, is highly nutritious, and adds a very enjoyable textural element to stews.

Sour cabbage (酸菜 'suen choi') is a common type of pickled cabbage, tangy and slightly sour. After a brief blanching, the halved or quartered vegetable is packed into brine with a weight on top and left to ferment for at least three weeks. It can be eaten raw but is usually combined with fatty meats, which is a particularly good combination; the two items balance each other.
Available in vacuum sealed packs of around a pound, also larger packs of a kilo. Buy the smaller packs -- 200 grammes to 300 grammes.
North-Eastern style sour cabbage (東北酸菜 'tung paak suen choi') is stronger in taste, and has some chili added for oomph.


Sambal, or chili paste (辣椒醬 'laat chiu jeung') is the one indispensable substance that you should have on hand at all times. Mashed hot peppers with a little salt, maybe a touch of vinegar or lime juice added. Rather than making it yourself, simply purchase a jar of it in C'town or the Tenderloin, and stick it in your refrigerator. It is surprising how fast it disappears;
I think the raccoons are stealing it.

If you plan on visiting England it might be wise to actually make some of it yourself to pack in your carry-on luggage: fresh habaneros, ground toasted dried Thai birdseyes or chile d'arbol for a bit of bulk, salt, vinegar, and oil. The last three in equal measure, just enough to make it smooee, but not gloppy. The salt and vinegar will preserve it for at least several weeks, and the inclusion of habanero makes it hot enough that your hosts may not even notice that you slipped a tiny little smear onto your plate to assist you in downing their fine cuisine.



慢慢食 ('maan maan sik': bon gusto).



==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

FABULOUS FOOTBALL VICTORY 23-10

Like everyone else in the civilized world, I too am enormously pleased by the triumph that our home-town team experienced in their epic struggle against a bunch of redneck pansies. Or shrinking violets, whatever they call dillpickles with big booties and shiny pants in the Deep South. Never before has something so stupendous been achieved. Paupers will see again, the blind will eat, and little children everywhere will no longer wake up screaming with leprosy every morning.

Huzzah. good show. Oh well done.

From ten in the morning till well-past midday I listened to oaths, blasphemy, and foul language, and endured the smell of sweat, intestinal disturbances, and cheap stale pizza, as the sports fans clustered around the altar and adulated their idols. Primitive orgasmic rites.
They lit cigars in frenzied worship.
They groaned in rapture.
They wept.

Several of them wore lucky garments. They stank, they made noise, and they gesticulated wildly.

These folks are professionals. Responsible people. College graduates.
I can only imagine the reactions in the trailer parks. No doubt the even-far-less-washed classes were sheer terrors, overturning fold-out teevee dinner tables loaded with ranch-flavoured corn chips and mushy fruits, flinging their poo at the screen at opportune moments, and popping the tabs on even more beer before lunch.

Every attempt at conversation was rudely and brutally interrupted by screams of outrage or exultation.


There was not a pipe-smoker in the bunch. Real men don't watch aggressive beefcakes committing hugging acts. Unlike sportsfans, we're not into spandex wrestling as erotic stimulation, all those meaty boys.
Or snarfing stale slices of tomato pie.
While wetting our trousers.
Mimed buggery.

The forty-niners won! Oh joy. And hallelujah.
More of this ridiculousness next Sunday.
The same unwashed lucky jerseys.
And crusty undies.


Again, I wouldn't be surprised if elsewhere in the Bay Area other fans ate one of their own and savagely sodomized a random tourist.
Because their hormones were all a-kilter.
And it felt good.

It's a bonding experience. Rather like playing Iron John.
And sitting half-naked in a drum-circle.
Letting it all out.

Totes magotes!

Yeah, man, I'm utterly ecstatic that they won. Now we'll never have to endure global warming, and the world is in balance again. We can all start chanting 'om', and picking the corn-chip crumbs out of our navels.


23-10!




==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

MAKING CHEUNG FAN

Cheung fan (腸粉) are soft fresh sheets of rice flour batter steamed till set with a little filling - shrimp, beef, pork, or whatever - then folded over, drizzled with a soy sauce, and minced scallion on top to garnish.
Usually they are slashed or cut when served, to allow any condiments you add to penetrate, and for ease of chopsticking.

In commercial establishments, a wet sheet of cloth is tightly stretched over a rectangular steamer, then rice flour batter is ladled on and smeared flat, a little bit of filling material is strewn over one side, and within mere moments the cloth is lifted with the now cooked noodle sheet on it, and another cloth put in place. Meanwhile a deft hand with a spatula separates the cheung fan, dexterously jiggling it into a loosely folded wedge or roll.


At home you do not have a large rectangular vat of fiercely boiling water with a perforated metal plate on top.

But you have a steamer.

So what you can do is use pie pans instead of taught wetted cloth, either lightly oiled or with a little Pam sprayed on. The steaming time is a little longer, because your cheung fan will be thicker. And instead of nice sharp-edged rectangular rolls, yours will be a little thicker around the middle.
Salad plates in lieu of pie pans will also do - the result will be cute little cheung fan which are quite suitable as a mid-day snack.


CHEUNG FAN: BATTER

One cup plain rice flour.
Quarter cup tapioca flour.
Two TBS cornstarch.
Two TBS oil.
Half a teaspoon salt.
Cold water.

Sift dry ingredients together. Slowly stir water into it, add the oil, and keep adding more water while stirring till you have a batter that looks like heavy cream - approximately 1¾ to 2¼ cups water in all. Let it stand an hour, re-stir.
It is now ready for use.

Grease a pie pan, ladle in enough batter to thinly cover the bottom, and place in the steamer. After about a minute to a minute and a half, add the filling along one side. Steam for another four to six minutes, depending on how thick your layers are. Remove the pie pan from the steamer, and prepare a second pan while the first one cools.
As soon as you have added a filling to the second cheung fan, separate the first one from its pan with a flexible spatula, rolling as you go. Proceed in this manner till all the batter is used up. There should be about eight or nine cheung fan stacked on the plate when you're done. Drizzle a little sesame oil over for fragrance, slash into segments to show the filling, and garnish with minced scallion.


CHEUNG FAN: FILLING

You can us thin slivers of of beef (remember to rinse a bit, or soak in a little rice wine briefly to remove that charnel-house fragrance that adheres to the meat), or very fresh shrimp, peeled and veined, or even minced fresh cilantro, which will lend a soft fruity-herby-floral tone to the noodly sheets.
Chopped char-siu or rehumidified dry shrimp are also common.


炒粿條

If you make the cheung fan without any filling, they can be sliced into broad strips and served with ripped roast chicken and vegetables, or stirfried in pork fat with oysters and shrimp, like kway teow. Add some beansprouts (芽菜 ngaa choi、豆芽 dau ngaa) and scallion or chives, plus a drizzle of soy sauce, and serve with sambal on the side.



NOTE: this is a "reprint" of a recipe from two years ago, in this post:
LEFT-OVER TURKEY: CHEUNG FAN, RICE FLOUR NOODLES IN SOUP, AND JOOK.
Some people asked for it.
So here it is.



==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

FABULOUS PIZZA, AND SHEER HERESY

Some of the very best pizza in the city is served at Brindisi right on the corner of Belden Place and Pine Street. And, mirabile factu, it is conveniently close to the only commercial establishment in San Francisco where you can still smoke indoors, in peace, without rabid tofu-snarfing wheatgerm heads or venomously self-righteous Berkeley earthmoms and moondads chivying you.

Delicious crust. That's the key.

Like most Americans, I fiddle with my food. As a nation, we are seldom satisfied with cooked edibles as they are, and instinctively wish to tinker with what another person has produced. That is why everyone adds condiments to their hamburgers, glops the sauces all over their Southern-fried varmint, and adds another pickle to a perfect salad.
Darn the genius of the chef, we seem to say, we're gonna up the ante.
Consequently, many European food-professionals hate us.
There is none of the passivity they expect.
"Moo" is not in our vocabulary.
Disobedient Yanks.

Though tempted, there is nothing I wish to add to Brindisi's pizza. It is perfect the way it is. Have it with a glass of wine. Enjoy the ambiance. Leave a generous tip.
Then repeat.


The very idea of asking for a bowl of ranch dressing in which to dip the crust is sheer heresy, and I would advise against it. Ranch dressing on pizza is an abomination, and was probably invented by a European.
Or someone from Berkeley.

Some people use ranch dressing on everything.
Yep, that white gloop makes it good!
Fried foods with ranch?
Nutritious!

Ranch Dressing has the reputation that it's a healthier alternative to Mayonnaise, because it uses buttermilk and sour cream. Which begs the shwerre question why tzatziki and raita aren't vastly more popular.
Both of these contain fresh herbs and good wholesome yoghurt.
Surely all you butterfly-minded food nuts like that?
Nice pure white stuff! With green stuff!

Humbug, I say. There's nothing finer than mayonnaise. It's a divine gift to all of Northern Europe. They consume big buckets of it. They must know something over there that we don't; they even use it on fries!

What could be more American than French fries?

French fries with remoulade, that's what.
Heck, anything with remoulade.
Even pizza crust.


FERAL BACHELOR'S ZESTY REMOULADE

2 cups mayonnaise.
4 TBS good olive oil.
4 TBS Heinz Chili Sauce.
4 TBS ketchup.
2 TBS of Sriracha Sauce.
2 TBS Dijon Mustard.
1 TBS Worcestershire sauce.
1 TBS finely minced scallion or onion.
1 Tsp. minced garlic.
½ Tsp. ground coriander seed.
½ Tsp. freshly cracked black pepper.
½ Tsp. salt (*).
Pinch of sugar.
The juice of one lime.
A dash of Tabasco.

Optional: one mashed anchovy fillet.
[*If you use anchovy, omit the half teaspoon of salt.]

Mash the anchovy and garlic thoroughly in a blending bowl, then whisk all ingredients fiercely together. Can be stored in the refrigerator, and used on virtually everything.

If you are British, put it on your deep-fried Mars bar, or that Haggis burger you picked up at the chippy.

It's also killer with peeled shrimp, and oyster po'boys. Plus onion rings, fried mushrooms, and fish.

Herring.



==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

OTTERS AND KAPUSNIYAK: REDEEMING CYBERSPACE

This blogger has long maintained that the main purpose of the internet, as shown by usage statistics, is to disseminate cute kitten pictures, pornography, and recipes. Which is an assertion easily put to the test. Just enter anything into your search bar, and see what comes up.

Within mere moments, you are looking at a smorgasbord of smut, Hello Kitty, and Russian cabbage recipes hosted by someone named Olga, whose only clothing appears to be a Hello Kitty Bra & Pantie set.
She's a very large woman. Possibly because of all that cabbage.
Paranoid too. Her favourite blogs make this clear.
Both Susan Duclos and Pamela G.
Seriously weird.


Naturally, having said that, you would expect me to be one man standing against a veritable storm-tide of dreck, cute, and naked.
Resilient in the face of cabbage.
Resolute.

Which I am. I manfully resist all temptation.
I am immune.

Well, actually I'm just mighty picky about temptation. If Olga were one hundred and forty pounds lighter, fifteen years younger, and had a face that radiated a brilliant snarky intelligence, or any intelligence at all, I'd probably visit her cabbage and pornography site on a regular basis. Instead of once every six months, when I have a yen for Kitty bras and kapusniyak.

Yep. Cute pictures. Hefty filth. And cabbage.
That's the internet completely.
Appalling.


So, without further ado, here's an animal photo I could not resist.


EEEEEEEEEEEP!


[I do not know who took the picture. I copied it from Benyamin Blatt's page, who got it from Art Jonak. So I can't source it, or give proper credit where it's due. But whoever took the photo has charming animal friends.]



KAPUSNIYAK
Cabbage soup from the New Frontier, which is a place that Lithuanians, Poles, and Ruthenians fought over, in, and on. For several centuries. Food is fuel, food is a fortress, food is the soul.


Half pound sauerkraut (kislaya kapusta), slightly drained.
Half of a head of white cabbage, finely shredded.
One onion, chopped.
Two carrots, peeled and diced.
Two stalks celery, diced.
Two potatoes, peeled and diced.
One pound pork ribs.
Half a pound smoked sausage, chopped.
Six to eight cups clear stock.
Three TBS tomato paste.
Three cloves garlic, minced.
Two Tsp sugar.
Two Tsp paprika.

Two to four TBS finely minced parsley.
And plenty of cilantro, if you live in SF.
Otherwise it's optional.


Brown the ribs and smoked sausage in some rendered fat, and remove to a plate. Then sauté the onion, celery, and carrot in the pot, with the garlic, till nicely gilded and fragrant. Stir in the tomato paste, and add everything else except the parsley and cilantro. Bring to a boil, lower the flame, and simmer for about an hour and a half, two hours.

Remove the pork ribs from the soup with cooking tongs, and strip the meat from the bones. Discard the bones, chop the meat and return it to the soup. Add a few grinds of pepper, and serve in individual bowls with the parsley and cilantro strewn over.
Serves four.


Have some chili peppers and a bowl of sour cream (smetana) on the table for them as wants, along with a fresh loaf of crusty bread.


NOTE: I always add caraway seeds (kimil) to cabbage dishes (kroitn, kapusti) when preparing such. But that may not be your thing.
[½ teaspoon for this recipe.]



If you want, you can imagine eating this with an otter and her whelp also sitting at the table with you. They probably have smaller bowls.
Please don't think of Hello Kitty, however.
Hello Kitty is just nasty.



FURTHER NOTE: Four years ago was when I last made kapusniyak. That was when Savage Kitten and this blogger still had a relationship thing going on. No, cabbage soup was NOT why it ended.

I haven't made cabbage soup since then.

There is no connection between cabbage soup and relationships, even though a very large Slavic woman named Olga fondly thinks so. Any link between cabbage soup and matters of the heart is purely imaginary, slightly depraved even. However, if it pleases you to dream about those two things on the same page, by all means go for it.
Food, ALWAYS, is a fit subject for sensuality.
Eating together is something fun.
Even cabbage soup.

It's very good.



==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

EXCEPTIONAL LADIES SHOES!

They turned the corner, and headed in my direction. The little girl was skipping. As they passed, I heard her say "but these are SPECIAL shoes". Now, normally when I hear a female person mentioning footwear, I cringe.
I know too much about Michael Kors, Prada, Jimmy Choo, Louboutin, Sigerson Morrison, Manolo Blahnik.......

But this little lady was wearing sneakers.

Comfy looking PINK sneakers.


Well, mostly pink. But there was also some white and red. They looked very stylish. And clearly they made her happy. As I said, she was skipping. Her footwear gave her vim, and the fact that it was both comfortable AND pretty must have added an extra dimension.
Proper arch support, and unlike pumps, no strain on the back.
More women should wear pink sneakers.
They'd be much happier.

Her shiny black pigtails bobbed wildly as she hopped along. So did her bang. She was a very beautiful little person, but maybe it was just her sheer joy at wearing her SPECIAL shoes that made her so. Clearly her parents loved her, why else would they give her something so nice?
Something that made her so radiant?

The majority of older girls -- adult women -- are rarely as pleased with decent footwear. Instead, the mature single woman yearns for Prada, Blahnik, and Choo. And you NEVER see them skipping.

Grown-up women are, usually, bitterly cynical.

Which is a tragic state of affairs.

They lack special shoes.

Poor them.



I stopped to watch the family as they receded into the distance. The little girl was still bouncing when they turned onto Jackson Street.



==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

CHINESE NEW YEAR: LEI SI (利事), FAMILY DINNER (年夜飯), AND HAPPY WISHES (吉祥話)

In another three weeks it will be Chinese New Year, which is on Friday January 31 in 2014. This event entails a bit of preparation. If you are Chinese, you will have paid off your debts, cleaned the house (年廿八，洗邋遢 'nin yaa baat, sai laa taat' - "on the 28th. day scrub out the trash"), bought new clothes to be worn on that day, and started preparing little red packets of leisi (利是 'lucky money') for younger kin-folk, friends' kids, business associates, and favoured customers.
You are calculating all the leisi in advance, because it is so important, and it will require careful thought and financial planning.
There cannot be any mistake or oversight.


利是 (利事)，紅包。
LEI SI, HONG BAU
[The red envelope.]

The monetary amount will be carefully graduated. Your unmarried kin get more -- much more -- than the children of your friends or junior business associates. And favoured customers will likely only get a token amount, just enough to buy them some shots of whiskey.

The money should always be an even number, because odd sums are associated with the mollificatory envelope given to guests at funerals. For similar good-luck reasons, four is to be avoided (sound like death), and eight is very appropriate (sounds like striking it rich).

You must also prepare many incidental packets for spur of the moment gifting; a single ten or a twenty dollar bill is actually quite common in Chinatown, so is a five. Anything else should be two crisp bills.
If you slipped in a fifty or hundred, no one would complain.


The nominal purpose of the red packets is to spread joy and make sure only happy and propitious things are said.
But there is an undercurrent to the act which could be of equal weight.
Especially in families, where leisi is a serious affair.

Money, of course, is power. But money is ALSO a message. What you could be telling your adult unmarried offspring by handing over the packet of cash is: "why aren't you married yet yes I understand that you can't seem to find any one who actually likes you enough to do something stupid we might have to find you someone or bribe the local orphanage please graduate from college first and for crapsakes do something with your life idiot." This is a complicated and nuanced statement; it may require quite a bit of moolah.
The only thing you might actually voice is 學業進步 ('hok yip chün pou'; "achieve progress in your studies"). Their muttered response could be 龍馬精神 ('lung maa jing san'; "may you have the vim of a dragon or a horse"), which wishes the older person a longer and more energetic life.

The leisi for everyone else simply says: "you are younger than me".
Along with "be happy, please don't say anything unlucky".
And: "I would like you to have a good year".

If the recipient is actually older, but NOT married, it still says that they are younger.

It goes without saying that employees should be given leisi, in addition to any bonuses that are their due, such as an entire month's salary, so that they too can fulfill their obligations at this crucial time.
Withholding salaries is an extremely bad idea.
So is absconding with the cash box.
Though not unheard of


年卅晚
NIN SAA MAAN
[The thirtieth evening.]

Possible the most important thing to do, however, is celebrate New Year's Eve with family. Train stations and airports will be jammed, scenes of utter madness and chaos, as hundreds of thousands of migrant workers and middle-class people posted to distant provinces scramble to get home before that night. And home, often, is either the village from which the clan originated, or the place where the most senior members of the family live. Couples who haven't seen each other all year because they work in different cities are desperate to meet again, and spend time together. College students will return, if possible -- difficult in the United States, where Lunar New Year is scarcely known -- and overseas relatives might plan to spend a few weeks 'down on the farm' (返鄉下 'fan heung haa') in the old country, if finances permit.

The new year's eve dinner (年夜飯 'nin ye faan') is immense, so that everyone can start off the year satisfied, but also so that there will be enough food left over that no cooking at all needs to be done on the first day, when lighting fires and running water is considered bad luck.

Essential dishes will include a whole steamed fish, because the word for fish sounds the same as 'surplus' (魚 'yü'; 餘 'yü'), as in the phrase "nin nin yau yü" (年年有餘 "may there be a surplus every year", OR "may there be a yearly surplus").

A whole chicken, usually plain poached or boiled, then perhaps brushed with sesame oil, is also served, which is suitable as an altar offering, and often there will be a roast duck alongside, because the combination of those two symbolizes a happy couple and a harmonious household.

Another dish which is popular is Luo Han Chai (羅漢齋 'lo hon chai'), a vegetarian hutchepot which combines bamboo shoots (竹筍 'juk suen'), beancurd sheet (腐竹 'fu juk'), black mushrooms (冬菇 'dong gu'), carrots (紅蘿蔔 'hong lo baak'), bean thread noodles (粉絲 'fan si'), dried golden needle lily (金針 'kam jam'), gingko nut kernels (白果 'baak gwo'), lotus seeds (蓮子 'lin ji'), water chestnuts (馬蹄 'maa tai'), small cabbages (白菜 'baak choi'), soaked black wood ear fungus (木耳 'muk yi'), and fried wheat gluten lumps (炸麵筋 'jaa min gan').
The ingredients are added according to their required cooking time, the broth includes yellow rice wine (黃酒 'wong jau') and soy sauce (豉油 'si yau'), but rarely garlic (蒜頭 'suen tau') or ginger (薑 'geung'), which are not really acceptable according to Buddhists. Utter heretics would also add fresh shrimp (鮮蝦 'sin haa'), dried oysters (蠔豉 'ho si'), oyster sauce (蠔油 'ho yau'), and any other vegetables that strike their fancy, or even pork.

Mmmmm, pork!

Luo Han Chai is brought to the table in a casserole, from which dinners help themselves. Sharing food like this is an embodiment of both fortuity and family togetherness. For the same reason, instead of luo han chai, a sumptuous hotpot may be featured.
If Dried Oyster and Hair Moss is NOT served as a separate dish, then the hair vegetable will be added to the Luo Han Chai.

Dried Oysters and Hair Moss (蠔豉髮菜 'ho si fat choi') is a traditional preparation which sounds particularly lucky in Cantonese, being a phrase wishing everyone good business affairs and prosperity (好事發財 'ho si fat choi'). The dried oysters are rehumidified, then stewed with braised fatty pork, with stock, wine, and hair vegetable (髮菜 nostoc flagelliforme) added in a fairly small quantity, just enough to clearly demonstrate its presence.

Recipes for 好事發財 can be found by clicking this link:
dried oysters with black moss.

Further essential dishes are assorted meats in a savoury sauce, something with vegetables that are round or circular when sliced (mushrooms or carrots), one or two dishes with luxurious ingredients such as sea cucumber or fish maw, and anything with a red or orange hue.
White vegetables must probably be avoided.
Because white is an unhappy colour.


Dumplings (餃 'gaau'), which are reminiscent of gold ingots (a traditional good fortune design) are also a very good idea, but if you are Cantonese you might prefer to eat them the next day, along with such snackity things as year cake (年糕 'nin gou'), turnip cake (蘿蔔糕 'lo baak gou'), and others.


Melon seeds, fresh citrus fruits (lucky colours!), and a selection of old-fashioned candies (particularly those made of lotus root, because of its connotations) are also important.


吉祥話
GAT CHEUNG WA
[Good wishes.]

It's not just about money and foods. One important aspect of the entire fifteen day festival is what comes out of your mouth. What you say may cause bad luck, and to avoid even the chance of maladicta jinxing the year, many businesses will be closed for at least one day, often several, upon the start of the celebration.
In addition, several phrases are so ingrained that people will utter them automatically, sometimes without thinking, but never the less very sincerely meant.


Here is a good selection to start; you might want to internalize these sentences:

新年進步 San nin chuen bo: New year advances and progress.
心想事成 Sam seung si sing: Hearts desires become complete.
富貴長春 Fu gwai cheung chun: Wealth, honour, and a long spring.
年年有餘 Nin nin yau yü; Year after year surplus.
新年快樂 San nin faai lok: New year happiness; happy new year.
新年大吉 San nin taai gat: New year greatly fortunate; be lucky this year.
歲歲平安 Seui seui ping on: Year after year peace and safety.
生意興隆 Sang yi hing lung: Business prosperity.
萬事如意 Maan si yü yi: All your aspirations be fulfilled.
身體健康 San tai gin hong: physical health.
長命百歲 Cheung ming baak seui: Long life one hundred years.
闔家全福 Hap gaa chuen fuk: Entire family complete happiness.
五福齊天 Ng fuk jai tin: five good fortunes equal to heaven.
五福臨門 Ng fuk lin mun: five good fortunes approaching the gate.
吉慶多福 Gat hing do fuk: Auspicious happiness much good fortune.
舉家歡樂 Geui gaa fun lok: Entire family joyous.
福疊富貴 Fuk daap fuk kwai: Fortune upon wealth and honour.
福壽如意 Fuk sou yü yi: Good fortune, longevity, and all desires.
福如東海 Fuk yü tung hoi: Good fortune as vast as the ocean.
福壽雙全 Fuk sou seung chün: Good fortune and longevity both complete.

If all else fails, you can always fall back on "gung hey fat choi" (恭喜發財). It's more of a congratulatory phrase than a new year wish, but it works.
'Reverent happiness and get rich'.
We all want that.


年節, 過年, 春節, 農曆年初一～十五
NIN JIT, GWO NIN, CHÜN JIT, NUNG LIK NIN CHO YAT DAU SAP NG
[The annual event, passing the year, Spring festival, agricultural calendar year beginning one through fifteen.]


1. The first day of the new year is 元旦 ('yuen daan'; perfect dawn). It begins at midnight, and setting off fireworks is a traditional way to scare away any evil or ill-fortune, besides scaring the bejayzus out of recent immigrants to the city from the Midwest. Then you light incense at the family altars, and welcome the protective deities of heaven and earth. Buddhists will not eat meat on this day. Relatives visit each other, and everyone honours the most senior members of the family.

2. The second day officially "opens" the year (開年 'hoi nin'), and married women pay their respects to blood kin, especially their parents. In Hong Kong, a representative of the government is sent to the Che Kong Temple (車公廟) to get the city's fortune for the year read.

3. The third day (赤口 'chek hou'; crimson gullet) is a lousy day for visiting people,but an excellent time to burn offerings and set celebratory fires.

5. The fifth day is the birthday of the God of Wealth (財神 'choi san'). It's good to pay your respects to him, as well as to Lord Guan (關羽、 關公、 關二哥; 'gwan yü', 'gwan gong', 'gwan yi go').
Make noise, set off firecrackers.

7. On the seventh day, don't eat meat. There's a Buddhist reason.

8. On the eighth, have a celebratory dinner for your family or employees, and mark the birthday of the ruler of heaven (天公 'tin gong'). Which is actually tomorrow.

9. Ruler of heaven. See number eight.

13. Buddhists will avoid meat again on the thirteenth day, and businesses will pay reverence to Lord Guan, in the hope that he will look out for them in the coming year.

15. The fifteenth day of New Year is the Lantern Festival, which marks the end of the festivities.



後記 HOU KEI
[Afterword.]

Things you should avoid at all costs immediately after the year has begun because they are symbolically bad luck include saying negative stuff, speaking of disease or death, criticizing other people, sweeping or house-cleaning, throwing stuff away, and running the water excessively. In fact, try not to let any water at all go down the drain on the first day or two, as water stands in for wealth.

If you are white, none of this applies to you.

So don't get your knickers in a twist.

Just make sure they're clean.

And, perhaps, new.


Final note: wash your hair sometime on the last day before new year, as you should not bathe on the first day. Plus get your hair cut beforehand.
And you might want to leave the house just before midnight for a quick smoke outside, so that you are the first person to enter in the new year.
Also prop the broom upside down against the front door.
It scares away thieves and burglars.
Or so I've heard.



恭賀新禧
Gung ho san hei.




==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

YOUR BACKYARD IS EMPTY, AND POSSIBLY YOUR HAMSTER DIED

Yesterday, sometime after lunch, an anonymous commenter wrote: "This post is quite likely the most degenerate thing that you have ever written."

High praise. I pride myself on literary degeneration.


The post in question dates from two years ago, and was about raccoons. Personally, I did not consider it degenerate at all, as it was no more than a slice of San Francisco backyard life. Very clean and pure.

But please, you be the judge.


TOFU!


There are far fewer raccoons in the north-eastern part of San Francisco than there used to be. It's been a while since I saw one in my neighborhood. The park on the hill beyond Van Ness no longer seems to house a thriving colony, and both Larkin and Hyde Streets are without a coonish presence, even at darkest night.

It's sad.


I think the damned tourists are eating them.




==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

CANTONESE INGREDIENTS: A SHORT LIST OF ESSENTIALS

When a Cantonese person yearns for Chinese food, there is a very great chance that he or she is NOT thinking of the stuff most people associate with Cantonese restaurants. By the same token, the tourists walking down Stockton Street and marveling at the various comestibles being sold there won't consider purchasing those queer ingredients, because while they have eaten at Chinese restaurants, they've never actually tasted any of those items.

At least not deliberately and consciously; many white people just don't associate such things with food.

Yet to a Cantonese person, these substances are the hallmark of their cuisine, and all of them are familiar presences in the larder. They are absolutely essential. It is what makes a Chinatown foodstore a must-visit destination.

Like Belgian food, Cantonese cuisine is marked by the freshness of the main ingredients. But the crisp tastes will be extended or augmented with substances that your Walloon or Fleming will probably not know.


THE CANTONESE LARDER

蠔油 hou yau: Oyster sauce.
A condensed extractive of oysters with starch and soy sauce, used to dollop over freshly cooked vegetables, or as an ingredient in stir-fry sauces with splashes of rice wine and superior stock. According to a commercial which ran on the Chinese channel back in the nineties, it's essential on your fried eggs or steak. Probably also good with French Fries, and I'll have to try that one of these days.

鹹蝦醬 haahm haa jeung: Shrimp paste.
A gloop composed of ground fully fermented salted shrimp, which is used in small amounts to add a savoury briny flavour to many vegetable dishes, but is also excellent if you are cooking fatty pork chunks.
Add shredded ginger and perhaps a sliced hot chili before putting the dish in the steamer.

乾貝、江瑤柱 gon pui, gong yiu chü: dried scallops.
These are soaked before adding to soups, stews, or rice porridge. Excellent, and quite nutritious. They increase flavour.

腐乳 fu yü: fermented tofu.
Seldom eaten by itself, but often used as a rub on meats prior to roasting. The flavour is hard to describe, though some people have claimed to detect a cheesy quality. Fatty meats especially benefit.

豆豉 dau si: salted black beans.
Usually available in a cardboard canister. Moistened and partially mashed before adding to stir fries or steamed dishes. You probably are familiar with this, but it's worth your while to acquire the basic 'raw' product in C'town, rather than spending six bucks for a bottled product that promises "authentic Chinese taste" at a gourmet yuppie market.
It's a lot cheaper, and it keeps nearly forever.

臘腸 laap cheung: sausage.
Varies types are available, including versions with liver and duck. The most common type is simply chopped fatty pork in a narrow casing. A few slices with your eggs, or scattered into a simple stirfry or stew, or just dumped in the rice before steaming. Not a lot is used at one time.
Contributes a lovely porky-winy aroma.

鹹魚 haam yü: salt fish.
There are various kinds available. Some types are first sautéed, then simmered with other ingredients to make a stock (such as in Won Ton Soup), others are soaked and steamed to eat with rice, and some are condimental, meaning that they are either cut into thick slivers or slices, or crushed and soaked, before being added in small dosage to dishes during preparation.
Steamed pork patty with salt fish (鹹魚蒸肉餅 haam yü jing yiuk beng) is a classic. Three to five thick slivers arranged on top of flattened ground pork, with finely slivered ginger, steamed for ten minutes. Delicious! It's also good with eggplant, or various squashes and gourds.

臘肉 laap yiuk: preserved meat.
Most often the kind encountered is belly pork, with soy sauce, wine, and nitrates added as preserving agents, partially dried. Flattened duck is in the same category, as are some other items. Cut it into chunks and steam it with your rice, or experiment by adding small quantities to vegetable dishes. It's more than just a flavouring, it's "added value".

鹹蛋 haam daan: salted eggs.
Duck eggs soaked first in brine, then packed in charcoal sludge and aged. These must be steamed before use. A combination I particularly like, which can be considered a heart attack on a plate, is steamed fatty pork chunks combined with the whole yolks. So deadly, but so good.

皮蛋、松花蛋 pei daan, song faa daan: "skin eggs".
Dark-hued preserved eggs, which have been cured by covering them in wood ash, clay, quicklime, and dried rice chaff, then stored for several months. The alkalinity of the packing sludge eventually changes them considerably. They can be eaten as is, but are frequently added to tofu, or steamed with beaten fresh eggs, or even combined with vegetables and meat. Very commonly used to make preserved egg and lean pork rice porridge (皮蛋瘦肉粥 pei daan sau yiuk juk), which is wonderful comfort food.

酸菜 suen choi: pickled cabbage.
No, this isn't similar to kimchi. The vegetable is first briefly blanched, then packed into brine with a heavy weight on top. It can be eaten raw after fermentation, but is most often paired with fatty meats. Stirfried pork and suen choi, for instance, or noodles with suen choi and pork shreds. Many possibilities. It adds a sourish note to dishes in which it is combined with other ingredients.

蝦米 haa mei: dried shrimp.
Soaked before use, added in small quantities to steamed or stewed vegetable dishes. It's just a minor amount of protein, but contributes a pleasant seafoody touch. Dried shrimp can also be briefly roasted then added to stock to up the flavour.

梅菜 mui choy: plum flower salt vegetable.
The absolutely essential ingredient when making steamed streaky pork with salted cabbage (梅菜扣肉 mui choi kau yiuk). Hawaiians know this as 'kau yoke'. It is usually available in small cans. Drain, rinse, and parch before adding it to stews. Do not use a whole heck of a lot.


Other things with which you are undoubtedly already familiar are soy sauce, vinegar, and chili paste. Rice wine OR sherry are likewise essential, and a tiny pinch of sugar added to many dishes makes a surprising difference.

Also buy five-spice powder.



咸魚蒸肉餅 HAAM YÜ JING YIUK BENG

One pound ground pork.
One TBS cornstarch.
Half TBS soy sauce.
Half TBS sherry or rice wine.
Half TBS cooking oil.
A little ginger, minced fine.
Pinch of ground white pepper.
Pinch of sugar.

ALSO: Three to five quarter inch thick slices of salt fish, soaked to soften.

Mix everything except the salt fish and ginger together, and let this stand twenty to thirty minutes. Then flatten it onto an oiled plate, arrange the salt fish on top, and add the ginger. Steam until done, about ten minutes or so.

Dump some cilantro over it, and serve.


You can cut it, but usually diners simply break off pieces with their chopsticks or a serving spoon.

With plain white rice, a small bowl of clear meat and vegetable broth, and one or two simply cooked vegetable dishes, this is a very satisfying and extremely Cantonese home style meal.
Than which there is little finer.



NOTE: the clickable label 「真好食」 underneath this post will bring up a whole collection of essays about Chinese food. The label 「菜譜」pulls up recipes. If you have any comments, feedback, or corrections to suggest, I would love to hear from you.



==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

COLORADO, CANNABIS, AND LARGE TUBS OF FROZEN DAIRY PRODUCT

The inexorable march of pot continues. Colorado, which few people would think of as liberal and cutting edge, legalized marijuana for recreational use. No pretense even that it's strictly for "medicinal" purposes.
Go on, little brain-dead drop-out, fry your mind.
The people who so strenuously argue that pot is harmless, natural and green, sanctified, pure, a wonderful substance that does no damage to society and promotes world peace love and understanding, have quite obviously failed to understand that it's a gateway drug.

Pot-users are 66% more likely to watch reality shows.

If that doesn't worry you, you're probably stoned.

Pot. Reality shows. House-brand ice-cream.

Envision a very unpretty future.


Colorado: future home of huge moronic lard-butts too crazy to operate vehicles.


Here in California we're still pretending that ganja is 'therapeutic'. Which works for me, because now whenever I'm walking down the street with fine aged Virginia in my pipe, and some pustulent Berkeleyite earth momma snarls something politically correct about tobacco, I simply start yelling that "it's for glaucoma, you heartless cretin, glaucoma!"

"Sniff. I am shocked that you would deny me the medication I so desperately need. That's so redneck of you! I've got a praescription, and I am being persecuted. How establishment!"

Yeah, lying. Suggestio falsi et supressio veri. But how is she going to prove that it's actually killer daemon tobacco in my pipe instead of sweet angel blessings marijuana?
She knows that pot has good karma, and surely everyone who uses it is saintly? Like the Indians in Guatamala, who weave all those meaningful cloth items, the ones that make your aura glow. Perhaps once the glaucoma is gone, she can finally see my profound inner radiance.
I'll assure her it's totally fairy-like.

Tobacco is a spiritual substance.

Besides, she's probably a pot head herself, so her mind is shot.
That fat guy from the Grateful Dead smoked a pipe.
And he was a puppy-loving swami!
It had to be pot.


Trust me, ma'am, ALL pipe-smokers are wholesome green Vegans.
This is California; we eat tofu, we nourish the earth.

Plus we've got bongo drums!




CLARIFICATORY AFTERWORD

You may have noticed that there are a number of things that this blogger tends to dislike. Among those are the Grateful Dead, pot in all of its iterations, earth mothers, deeply spiritual beings, and fanatics.
As well as do-gooders, and health-ghouls.

I'm kind of okay with puppies.

Sorry about that.




==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

CALMLY IGNORING THE FORTY NINERS

This blogger is not a football aficionado. I hope you aren't surprised.
 It wasn't until sometime after six o'clock today that I ascertained that the hometown team won against another group of players. Which, I have been lead to believe, means more mayhem next weekend.
You can probably imagine my exultation.
Which is very close to nil.
A negative figure.
Yay minus.


I spent the entire day polishing pipes. Mild buffing of oxidized stems, de-tarnishing silver bands and fittings. The gentlemen (and I use that term loosely) who populate the cigar lounge arrived early, and spent several hours swearing and cussing. As well as possibly scratching their pits, screaming, yelling, hooting, hollering, leaping on the furniture, and
generally making ridiculous and complete asses of themselves.

They and I had an excellent day.

I tried to ignore them.

And their cigars.


Some of my favourite people smoke cigars. But, as became clear early on, while pipesmoking inculcates calmness and an even temperament, cigars do not.

Cigars, it should be known, are an excellent digestive aid for pizza and fried corn snacks. Neither of which were present in my modest mid-day meal.
It was never the less a satisfying repast without them.

Tomorrow I shall go into Chinatown for real food.


茄子龍利魚飯或者苦瓜豬肉飯。

There are far fewer insane and foulmouthed sportsfiends in Chinatown than elsewhere in the Bay Area. Screaming like a maniac with pizza dribbling down one's jersey is not, strictly speaking, a particularly Chinese thing to do. It seems so undignified, don't you think?

There's only one establishment I know of in C'town where they even have the game on -- whatever the game at that time is -- for the benefit of the European and Midwestern tourists who make the right choice and wander in for excellent food. The sound is off. The staff do not watch large men in shiny clothing disporting themselves.

That particular place does a dynamite version of bitter melon and pork over rice (苦瓜豬肉飯 fu gwa chü yiuk fan). They actually specialize in noodle dishes, however, of which there is a substantial selection to choose from, and there's a big bottle of Sriracha hotsauce on every table.

One of the other rice-plates for which I have a mid-winter yen is eggplant with fish over rice (茄子龍利魚飯 ke ji lung lei yü fan).
Also great with hot sauce.

The term for the kind of fish most often used (flounder) is 龍利魚 (lung lei yü), meaning "dragon profit fish". It's probably just a phonetic transcription of a tribal term used in central or southern China before the Sinitic languages took over, and the second element (利 lei: profit) is sometimes replaced by 例 (lai: precedent, example) or 列 (laat: organized in a set, lined up) in other fish names.

I had eggplant with fish over rice yesterday evening after returning from scenes of madness in Marin County. It satisfied the man within. Life, in many ways, is all about keeping the mature individual inside oneself reasonably content.
Football does not do that; it riles up the inner psycho.
I may be defective; I have no inner nut.
But I feel no less normal.
Not deficient.


安安定定、冷冷靜靜。

The mature individual inside oneself likes simple tasty things to eat. Caffeinated beverages. Female company (of which there hasn't been any in a while). Books (including dictionaries and reference works). Pipe tobacco (both aged Virginias as well as English-Oriental blends), doodads, pottery and porcelain, the occasional chocolate or cookie, and a warm coverlet or throw rug for cold and rainy days.


I cannot imagine myself screaming, yelling, and stomping on the ground. Well, NOT over sports, at least.


Maybe over hot chocolate.



==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================