THOUGHTS AFTER TEA TIME

The reason why there are no lobster space aliens on this planet is that the Cantonese women ate them all. They probably landed in Guangzhou or Hong Kong -- let's pick an advanced and civilized metropolis, one of them said and the others agreed -- and before they knew it hordes of crustacean-loving women descended upon them, clacking chopsticks and spatulas, and turned their spacecraft upside down and made giant woks out of them.

Cantonese women, it is well known, have deep and flexible stomachs. Unlike white people, who can barely eat at all. I know this because my apartment mate, a Cantonese woman, is afraid that I'm starving. Starving! "I'm full", I will say, such as for instance this past Monday evening when we we're belatedly celebrating my birthday (which had actually occured a few weeks ago), whereupon she looked at me reproachfully because I barely made a dent in the food on the table. Rice (飯 'faan'), steamed pork patty with salted egg (鹹蛋蒸豬肉餅 'haam daan jeng yiuk beng'), fried tofu and mushrooms (炸豆腐同蘑菇 'ja tau fu tong mo gu'), and pig knuckle with fermented tofu (南乳豬手 'naam yü chü sau').

It was all delicious. But too much. Only one of us is a Cantonese woman.
Once I translated the specials, she especially wanted the knuckle.
Fermented tofu makes a great gravy.

Afterwards, sated, we waddled home. With tonnes of leftovers.
The refrigerator is packed to the rafters.
Mmm, pork patty!

This all came to mind because the gentleman whom I see occasionally at the bakery was there again with his little daughter. Emphasis on 'little'. Although she must be four of five by now. She will grow up to be a Cantonese woman, with an enduring hunger, with jaws that bite and the claws that catch. Someone for whom chopsticks are an extension of the soul. Clackity clackity! She'll clearly be still fairly small comparatively speaking when fully grown, but if a white woman could see how much she and her female kin will put away without effort, gaining no weight, she'd be insanely jealous. Then loose it when the small person exclaims "we've hardly eaten!"


Yep. The lobster aliens from planet Bisque stood no chance. They were gone before they knew what hit them. Next time, land In England, where there are no gourmands.



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