Wednesday, October 30, 2013

START HOARDING SRIRACHA

Earlier this year, the makers of Sriracha Hotsauce -- more beloved than ketchup and mustard combined -- moved from Rosemead to a bigger facility in Irwindale. Since then, the ungrateful sods who live in Irwindale have been bellyaching about burning eyes, throat irritation, and headaches brought on by the chili fragrance coming from the plant.

In the jaundiced and pepper-loving eyes of this blogger, Sriracha is a national treasure, so all those wussy whitebread Irwindalites should just shut up and choke on it.


A factory that turns out two hundred thousand bottles of crimson gold each day brings infinite happiness to millions, who otherwise would have to suffer the agonies of tasteless waspy food in the American hinterlands.

Besides, chilies are a potent source of vitamin C.
There are several important health benefits.
Improve your life, and your attitude.
Chili makes Texas bearable.
Suck it up.


"Inspectors from the South Coast Air Quality Management District checked out the plant twice with no citations made and the factory never received complaints during its 30-year residency in Rosemead"

[Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/foodbeast/sriracha-ceo-warns-a-fact_b_4175853.html?utm_hp_ref=los-angeles&ir=Los+Angeles.]


The miserable cretins who run the city of Irwindale have filed suit to halt production. At least for the foreseeable future, while a solution to the problem of wussy neighbors is found. Given that life in the United States is tolerable ONLY because of saintly chili condiment producers such as the Tran family, whose products bring light and joy and the blessing of civilization to the dark and miserable hinterlands of Texas, Connecticut, and New Jersey (and other locales whose names we can't remember), it is inevitable that a cessation of bottling for even one day will have a profound impact.


"If the city shuts us down, the price of Sriracha will jump up a lot"

[Sriracha CEO and founder David Tran]



Not having questioned the "experts" in Irwindale who are strongly suggesting that the Trans lay out over half a million dollars for a "recommended" cleansing system, I do not know what's going on in their heads. Being a cynic, I naturally suspect a shakedown. Stranger things have happened. This is the United States, and gangsterism in city halls is not unknown. Several vile East-Coast burgs have been controlled by criminal enterprises for years. Both Chicago and New York are infamous for endemic and pervasive corruption. So the idea that someone well-connected to a relative of a bigwig in Irwindale, in a truly remarkable coincidence, either sells or installs "cleansing systems", is not entirely unrealistic.

I refuse to even consider the "testimony" or "complaints" that are alleged to have come from nearby residents. Just like the time my apartment mate fled the kitchen coughing and choking theatrically, while I was making a charred chili condiment, I must assume that it's merely smoke and thunder, no real substance. She recovered within days, and her consumption of peppery substance has shot up dramatically in the two decades since. Why, she'll even add a teaspoon of one of my sauces to a large pot of stew!
Before, she handled the bottle with tongs!
How could I eat that stuff?
Degenerate!



Products which you may have trouble finding till Irwindale comes to its senses include:

Sriracha: Sriracha is made from sun ripen chilies which are ground into a smooth paste along with garlic and packaged in a convenient squeeze bottle. It is excellent in soups, sauces, pastas, pizzas, hot dogs, hamburgers, chowmein or on anything else to give it a delicious, spicy taste. Like all our sauces, we use only the highest quality ingredients and never any artificial colors or flavorings.

Available in 17 oz. and 28 oz. bottles.


Chili Garlic: Chili Garlic is a tempting blend of coarsely ground chilies and garlic. The delicious flavor of the sauce complements everything from a cracker to poultry to soups. It has a full-bodied flavor that will make your mouth water.

Available in 8 oz., 18oz., and 8.75 lbs. sizes.


Sambal Oelek: Sambal Oelek is made of chilies with no other additives such as garlic or spices for a more simpler taste. Use this sauce to add heat to a dish without altering the other delicate flavors.

Available in 8 oz., 18 oz., and 8.50 lbs. sizes.


Instructions for mail-ordering are here: Order Information


THE SQUEEZE

There are substitutes, of course. It is likely that at some point I'll walk into one of my favourite places in Chinatown, and instead of the bright red bottle with the proud rooster and the cheerful green cap, I'll see some product from Hong Kong, the mainland, or Malaysia, on the tables.
The imitation from Hong Kong is actually rather good.
But why give those others any business at all?
Sriracha was invented here in the U.S.
David Tran is one of ours.

Sriracha is mom, the flag, and apple pie.

Irwindale. Whoever heard of such a thing?


Forsooth!



AFTER WORD

Indicating how serious this threat by the odious oafs who run Irwindale (population: 1422) is, even the BBC has an article about this news.

Quote:
The city of Irwindale has asked a judge to prevent Huy Fong Foods from making the spicy condiment until the factory submits plan to reduce the smell.

Huy Fong representatives have said they are actively trying to fix the problem and have received no citations.

Sriracha sauce is sold around the world, and there was even a recent Sriracha festival in LA.
End quote.

[Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-24737588.]


Any bottleneck or delay will be a profound hardship. Several of the people who live in residential hotels on Broadway, in the Tenderloin, and south of Market Street, depend upon the stuff. Many other San Franciscans rely on it to make lunch in the Financial District exciting, or even edible.

There are more of us than the entire city of Irwindale.

We have pitchforks.



NOTE: Any thoughts you have about the blackmail brouhaha, or the vast reservoirs of selfish stupidity of the goombas who run Irwindale, can be voiced here: 'City Manager'.
Remember to be polite.




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