Thursday, November 11, 2010


Recently I took several surveys connected with Facebook. The results are entirely unsurprising.
I am the Frenchman from Holy Grail who insults the silly English kuh-niggets ("now go a way or I will taunt you a secohnd-uh tame!").
Cool. I've always wanted to be John Cleese.

Pursuant that survey, I also took the "how Chinese are you" survey, followed in rapid succession by "how Singaporean are you" and "how Beng are you".

Zero percent. One hundred percent. Seventy percent.

Not Beng enough to pass. Darn. Even with a mastery of Singlish.

Apparently I wear Bermudas with a normal tee-shirt.
I look Beng plenty lah, but I'm just an average shlub from Ang Mo Kio.
Buwaya with bad choice clothing only is it, ah den?

But bwei kiah e, I know Ah Beng.


Ah Beng all day hangs out at kopitiam. He's the one with the purple streaks in his hair, the cigarette sloping out of his mouth, and one flipflop foot up on the plastic chair. Possibly he has a digit in a nostril at this very moment - no one watching.
Trying impress maybe that nice guhhhh who think he a goondu.
A goondu with chao kiak.
Him not so kiong.

Ah Beng can't dance. Soal ini, he does. So does his young sister Ah Lian, she with the mile-high platform shoes, world-is-your-gynecologist miniskirt, and exceptionally foul tongue.

Linguistically, Ah Beng and Ah Lian are a mess. Can't tjakap decent Hokkien, Cantonese, OR Mandarin, let alone English.
What they speak is an unholy mixture all of the above, loud and braggarty, with exclamations and unprintables mixed in liberally.

As far as appearance, they aim for that rowdy Hong Kong juvie gangster goo wak chai look, mixed with Japanese style, and ..... Elvis. Really. Elvis.
A scrawny East-Asian pimp Elvis.
Elvis wearing a pink synthetic bomber jacket with the words "Royal Peach Regiment" embroidered on the back.
Yes, their clothing taste is blur chee sotong, sia.
Chan mow pan-mei.

Favourite foods: Es kachang, char kwee tiau, roti John, rudjak, and char hai mee. Also gasak MacDonalds and pizza. Everything with sambal.
Well, except es kachang and chendol, perhaps, but I wouldn't put it past them.

Other than Jalan Bugis, they also hang out at Jubilee in AMK (红毛橋).

I know Ah Beng. But I am not Ah Beng.

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