ALL BEAKS AND ATTITUDE

Contrary to what you might think, they do not hang out near sushi bars or seafood centres. And if you saw one on the public bus, you'd want at least three prosperous looking tourists between you and him, one of them a chubby Midwestern potato holding a hotdog. Blockage, defensive obstacles, and airbag. You can usually tell who the tourists are, because they are speaking loudly in Mandarin, Tagalog, and German. Well, not so much in this city -- those could simply be natives -- but elsewhere.


Wir können nicht in diesem sheithol bleiben, wir müssen promptlig zu Nebelsumpbad zurück kehren!


Because, of course, neither they nor the tourists like seafood. They're on vacation, they've had that seafood culturally and historically shoved up their whazzoo, it helped them drive the Flemings and English out of the far oceans and conquer the Spice Islands (plus wiping out the population of Banda for sound business reasons in the process), and they're sick of it. They want red meat. Artificially red. Hotdogs and bacon!

Well, except for the Midwesterners. They've grown large on copious amounts of surströmming and lutefisk at church suppers. But they too want red meat.

Random thought: The Japanese largely depended on seafood for generations, and invented sushi. The Scandinavians for centuries relied on the sea for food; they invented surströmming and lutefisk. This proves something.


Seagulls look like they want a bite of your burger. They'll beak-wrestle you for it. Not arm wrestle -- no arms, really -- and rochambeauing you for it, in the style of Cartman from Southpark, is also out of the question.

That may be why every McDonalds and In-n-Out in the Bay Area has at least one seagull lurking outside. Best get back into your car pdq. But push the infant in first, or else the bird will try to seize it. It looks fat and juicy.


Yes, I am wondering what to have for lunch today.



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