BUBBA SUE GONNA DIE!
A blonde woman, ideally one with a dull soft face, who freaks out.
A sincere manly man who completely lacks a functioning brain.
A meddlesome priest, who snuffs it gruesomely.
A little girl who makes you wanna puke she's that icky cute.
A young smart-aleck who does something stupid.
And a thickset middle-aged native woman - Serbian, Ukrainian, or Mexicana, it doesn't matter; as long as she speaks with foreboding, gloom, and a heavy accent.
We are blessed to live in a country that has made a huge number of these movies.
Eerie music, pointless special effects, bad lighting, and odd creaking sounds.
And lots of thickset gloomy women, or people who act that way.
Let's name the last listed type 'Igoretta' - it's far less impersonal than 'Serb-u-kraino Mexicana', or even the vaguely complimentary 'thickset gloomy woman'.
Her character is the only sane one in the movie. This is because she alerts the audience to impending disaster, often an event which none of the other 'actors' have the sense to foresee.
Igoretta has, in fact, an almost supernatural ability to not be a moron.
She's probably a joy off-screen too, saying things like "who the heck wrote this sucky script?", "you're drunk again", "gottenyu, I should've choked the brat", and "at least I'm being paid for this".
Igoretta has a point. The dim blonde and up to four of the others are romantically involved with the producer of this masterpiece or think this will advance their careers.
Igoretta is the straight man to a passel of idiots.
Igoretta deserves a medal.
If at least two of the people listed above snuff it before anyone realizes that there is a monster on the loose / a thousand year old vampire reawakened / a flesh-eating giant maggot zombie / a televangelist going around committing acts of a perverse nature, it's all good.
I vote for the freak-out bitch and the unspeakable little girl.
Nice little girls aren't so sickeningly cute.
And women of spirit don't freak out.
Ideally, Igoretta survives.
Pass the raisinettes.
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