BAD VIBES ON THE NUMBER ONE CALIFORNIA HEADING TO THE FINANCIAL DISTRICT

Hi! I am the irritating man who wants to get on the bus! And I was at this same stop yesterday, when all of us waiting here delayed YOU by a whole three minutes.
Yes, I know you're heading down to your VERY IMPORTANT JOB in the Embarcadero Center, and the idea of stopping the vehicle to let more passengers board seems heartless to you.
You're on it, and that's what matters.

That is probably why you're blocking the aisle and not moving further back.
Just guessing.
Life is SO hard when you're an IMPORTANT worker in one of the local law offices, isn't it?
I'm truly sorry.

Now move further in.

I mean that.
It isn't a recommendation.
Think of it as a promise of public transportation road rage if you do NOT do so.
That, of course, is why I loudly said "MOVE FURTHER BACK!"

I was utterly polite. I did not holler "MOVE FURTHER BACK YOU MORONS", or "MOVE FURTHER BACK YOU SELFISH EAST-COAST EGOMANIACS", or "MOVE FURTHER BACK YOU PUSTULENT EMIGRÉS FROM KANSAS".
Yes, I didn't use the word 'please'. I admit that.
That's because I take it for granted that all of you will soon see the social desirability of moving back.


Do you see these little old Cantonese people also waiting at the bus stop?
And the Asian mommy taking her tiny daughter to kindergarten?
Isn't that the cutest little backpack, just like a cow?
The kid is quite proud of it, and looks so happy.
Getting to day care is important to her too.
There will also be room for them on this fine conveyance if you move your stinking self-absorbed middle-class flabby young posterior back further in.
Don't worry, they'll stand. They're used to you law-office drones being too unmannered to offer your seats to the elderly.
Or to people carrying children.
Or pregnant women.

Really, we expect it. We know that you carpetbaggers from the rest of the country are swine, as well as being very IMPORTANT workers at clerical jobs in Law Offices in the Financial District.
Without your efforts of genius, IMPORTANT things would not happen.
That's why we avoid the Embarcadero Center (buildings one through four).
We know you're there. And we don't want to disturb you in your sanctuary.

Now, let me explain something to you.
If you don't move further back, I will.
And I'm all elbows. Yes, I'll say 'excuse me'.
But when I can see tons of daylight between the bodies at the back of the bus, that means that there is room.
I intend to use it. And if, in the process of getting there, the old Chinese people who have also been waiting at this stop manage to get on too, which is specifically the intended icing on my cake, you'll just have to suck it up.
Along with whatever bruising I accidentally inflict.
Just think of me as having rabies.

Stop texting while I radiate hostility at you and your sense of entitlement.
If you don't, it could mean very bad karma.
Real people don't care if you die.

Don't you dare say "there's another bus behind this", as if you expect me to patiently wait twenty more minutes.
That's far too Zen to contemplate this early in the day. There will always be another bus, and others after that, until the end of time.
It's statistically certain, I'm sure.
But given the realities of the morning commute, here and now, the existence of a bus elsewhere on this line is purely an intellectual concept.

Not only is it too deep and complex for me to accept right now, but I don't like your aggrieved attitude.

Not to make a point of it, but I've gotten shot at in Mindanao, been in violent altercations in various parts of the world AND San Francisco, been threatened by psychopaths, and nearly got blown to Kingdom Come in Zamboanga and Manila.
So some whiny pasty-faced limp cow-college graduate from the Midwest with a bloated self-image ain't gonna keep me from getting on this bus.
No matter how IMPORTANT a paper-shuffling drone you are.
I'm crazy enough to go 'creative' all over your arse.
And these old Chinese folks won't see a thing.
They'll be entirely useless as witnesses.
Purely unable to identify either of us.
We white people all do look alike.
Whether victim (you), or perp.
Mayhem betters the world.


Move further back.
Thank you.


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