SON, WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE!

For more than twenty years, Savage Kitten and I were together. It was a wonderful time, and I remember it with great fondness; these are my best memories.
Twenty very good years!

All that time, however, we often didn't understand what the other person was saying. It was like we were speaking two different languages.
My mental speech is often Dutch or something else, hers sometimes her mother's version of Toishanese.
But that isn't it.

I speak mostly neuro-typical. She speaks Asperger.

People with Asperger syndrome do not read facial expressions and body language; they aren't wired that way.
The result is that while I often broadly grasp what she is trying to convey (if I'm actually capable of paying complete attention), most of the time she doesn't have a clue what I am saying – because a huge part of communication is nonverbal.
Conversation is difficult without all the clues.

[Asperger Syndrome is a developmental disorder marked by behavioral dysfunction and a deficit of non-verbal communication skills. Aspergers is manifested by physical OR verbal clumsiness, obsessive routines and thought processes, and social maladjustment. The person with Asperger (the 'Aspy') may be overly verbose on a very narrow range of subjects and tend towards repetitive re-clarification of data; an Aspy may typically engage in long detailed monologues without recognizing the listener's lack of interest. 'This is both intensely interesting and important - how can you NOT be totally fascinated?!?'
There is no impairment or delay in language acquisition, though there may be an inability to grasp nuance, shades of meaning, metaphor, or interpretive detail. Common also: eccentricities in speech involving pitch, intonation, loudness, and rhythm. Frequently there is a failure to make friends and enjoy the same pursuits as other people, coupled with inflexible understanding of social rules and styles of behaviour.
Asperger Syndrome tends to run in families, and may be genetic. Inconclusive evidence suggests a neurological basis. Causes are as yet not known.
The most endearing quality of many Aspies is that they are intensely knowledgeable about certain subjects and display brilliance in their chosen field. Famous people who displayed strong Asperger characteristics: Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, John Quincy Adams, and Isaac Asimov. Please note that these people are listed alphabetically by first name.]


Both of us can be described as Aspergers, though me only very mildly so. In her case it is far more severe.
I can be devious. She is at times brutally honest.


JUST A BIT DENSE!

What has allowed me to do collections work for two decades without burning out is what I always describe as monumentally thick skin - I do listen, but I don't hear the same as most other people.

"You've got the plague and ALL your family died? I'm truly so SORRY - now, WHEN can you pay the bill?"

Additionally, I've always been guarded about my emotional state, so I usually come across as confident, even arrogant. That isn't a pretense - it's just that I am better at expressing my thoughts and feelings rather clinically, and the pay-off for actually even doing so is never worth the effort required. Far better to disparage any intense emotions I may have, and add a bit of wit at the end. Dry, rather than juicy.
Thick skin, emotional reserve - a fairly mild version of Asperger's Syndrome.
I am socially functional; not adept, but I can do it.
I'm just a bit dense.


SHY TO THE POINT OF WALLS

She has always been incredibly self-conscious AND shy. Cripplingly so at times - we once met some friends of mine in the Bart station, and when I turned around to introduce her she had disappeared. I later found her hiding behind a pillar; I think she may have been quivering. She was definitely tense.
Add to that her blasted bitch mom telling her several times a day, till Savage Kitten fled the house, that she was ugly, stupid, unwanted and entirely unlikeable, and you have a recipe for peril.
No matter what anyone else said, no matter how good her grades, or excellent her work - her mother's voice in her head negated any positive self-image. She has listened to it her entire life, it’s on permanent loop. It has carved a psychological wound so deep that probably nothing can ever cure it.

[Why would a mother do that? Well, Cantonese mothers often feel inadequate themselves for giving birth to a girl. Girl-spawn devalues a woman, whereas boys prove her worth. And some Chinese women treat all other females in the family as status-rivals and competitors. Her mother never learned English, and was very old-fashioned. The frustration she herself felt in a fifty-year marriage to a man who had been a complete stranger before the wedding night, the terror of a non-Chinese environment with which she never came to terms, resentment at the girl-child whose presence diminished her value - who also committed horrible treachery by learning English and being American...... And, of course, a sheer vicious selfish uncaringness...... Not all mothers should be mothers. Some mothers are twisted.]


When you combine shyness, a thoroughly sabotaged self-image, and lack of self-confidence, with a near-complete inability to utilize body language and facial expressions, OR understand anybody else's body language and facial expressions.........

[Do not confuse shyness with timidity. She's shy. But she's got guts like you wouldn't believe. She stubbornly confronts problems and explores new ideas. Knows the mechanics of car engines and electronic devices better than I ever could, and is by no means afraid to tackle household repair jobs. Tax forms, database management, reference works, Microsoft excel. Even figuring out how the damned VCR works! But these things are "easy" - no humans are involved, and there is straightforward logic.]


A TRANSLATION PROGRAM FOR BODY LANGUAGE WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY USEFUL!

It's not that she can't speak like normal people - she expresses herself well, albeit a bit quirkily. She just has NO clue what their reaction to her really is.
If they don't spell out clearly what they're thinking, she's lost.

When someone tells her she's beautiful and accomplished, she cannot see the sincerity. "They're just being polite, what are they actually trying to say? What could it possibly mean? Huh, what?!?"
Despite an often irritating tendency to take everything literally, when it comes to praise she has from early childhood on been conditioned to disregard it. When she is the recipient thereof she neither believes it, nor understands it - it does not compute. Yes, she may trust the integrity and honesty of the person speaking........ but they're talking unintelligible gibberish right now, and have temporarily taken leave of their senses. She sincerely hopes the fit will not last.

Like many brilliant Aspies, Savage Kitten is very detail oriented and conscientious about everything (except, of course, for those things of which she is entirely oblivious). Her best subjects in school were geometry, algebra, calculus, statistics. She graduated from college with two degrees, summa cum laude. And she has intensely deep knowledge sets.
But she does not play well with others, and cannot do many of the social things that other women do.
Her Aspergers is far greater than mine.


For the past several years, when I told her that she was beautiful, that she was smart, that she was deliciously sexy, or that she was a loveable person, a wonderful woman to be with, and that I was incredibly fond of her, it did not penetrate.
All of her Aspergers and insecurity would speak up with mother's voice, countering mine. And the old lady was already inside Savage Kitten's head - she had an advantage which I lacked.

Savage Kitten sort of believes that I think highly of her, and that I find her attractive. She is not able to figure out why. She has always thought that insanity was the best explanation.

She is still wonderful, smart, and deliciously sexy, and she remains a beautiful person.
I am still fond of her.

I cannot speak convincingly to her, she cannot understand what I am saying.
I am too dense to always hear her when she talks.
My reserve and thick skin, her shyness and self-image issues. Aspergers.

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AFTERTHOUGHT

Our relationship is no longer what it once was, and both of us are moving on, though not necessarily at the same speed.

The next person in my life will have to be more neuro-typical.
I need far clearer communication, if only to maintain my own sanity.
I would really like to understand what someone else is saying.
I'm a little dense.



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