CRUNCHY HOT CULINARY CRIME

One week ago was warm and sunny, today there is an autumnal chill in the air. And what I really wanted to eat for lunch, given that in this weather it would have been both delightful and delicious, is not available in San Francisco. Ever. We are benighted.
We have no wall-food.


DEEP-FRIED BIO-HAZARD

Also known as Dutch junk food. Everything goes better with fries.
In particular, I would have loved a frikadel. Or a kroket.

A frikadel (alternate spelling: frikandel) is not the same as the Belgian snack that goes by that name, nor the well-known Scandinavian interpretations. The Dutch frikadel was invented in North-Brabant after the war , so it's something that Brabanders can be proud of ........ although, truth be told, they might prefer that you forget all about the regional connection.
It consists of finely ground meat, spices, meat fat, and paneer meel (very fine breadcrumbs) formed into a sausage shape, rolled in egg white, dusted with more paneer meel, and deep fried. The cooked result is surprisingly tasty.
Juicy hot treify goodness.
One can eat it as is, or with mustard and other condiments. Think of it as a civilized version of a meatloaf.

[You can make a very passable proximile of frikadels by double-grinding marbled meat, mixing it with a lesser quantity of soaked stale bread, a hefty pinch of mace or nutmeg, ground pepper, coriander, etcetera. When a nice stiffish paste is achieved, form into tubes or patties, dip in egg white, dust with fine breadcrumbs, and fry till brown. Experiment and develop your own interpretation.]


The kroket, which is more popular north of the three rivers in the Randstad (Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Utrecht, and points in between), is utterly delicious too. Or just as repulsive - it depends on your attitude.
About fifteen to twenty percent meat or other edible protein blended into béchamel with spices, formed and chilled, double dipped and rolled in coarse breadcrumbs, and nuked in the fry daddy. Hot and crunchy on the outside, molten lava on the inside. It can burn right through the roof of your mouth. For some reason Amsterdam cafes serve it with toast.


"Vreet nooit zult - geen mens weet wat er in zit!"
Never eat headcheese - nobody knows what's in it!
[From a book by Toon Kortooms.]


Both of these delicacies usually contain body parts that normal people do not consider edible.
I've been eating garbage for years.

Frikadel and kroket are the mainstays of wall automats all over Amsterdam, and fry-palaces in the rest of the country. Along with such things as the bami schijf and the nasi schijf (besides many other odd hot miracles).

[Bami schijf: Indonesian spicy fried noodles formed into a disc, breaded, and deep fried. Nasi schijf: Indonesian fried rice treated the same way. Both were earlier incarnated as the Bami bal and the Nasi bal - globular croquettes with those fillings.]


Properly done, deep fried foods need not be particularly fattening - the hot oil sears and seals the outside, and the moisture content of the food will not be replaced by grease. Even French fries, if done properly, will be light and have a pleasant internal fluffiness.


DEEP FRY THAT PUPPY!

Unfortunately American attempts at deep-frying are often ghastly failures. Fries, more often than not, are limp soggy artery cloggers, fish and chips are as perfectly inedible as anything can be, and chicken becomes an oil-soaked monstrosity. The fried fruit pocket pie is darned close to attempted murder, eating the damn thing is on par with shooting engine residue into your arteries.

On the other hand, nothing beats some English "foods" for sheer terrible - consider, if you will, the Spam Fritter. It is made by taking a thick slice of Spam, battering it, and dropping it into a luke-warm oil-bath. The first taste on a cold evening is ...... okay. Well, interesting. Not all that bad. Remember, it's a cold evening. This thing is warm.
It goes downhill from there. By the third bite you will be filled with regret, angst, anomie.
Should you dare finish the horrid lump, you will have made an enemy of your digestive system for life.

Like many other nightmarish things, the Spam fritter is available at English Fish and Chip shops, and from chipper vans. And soon also in the United States. I think we've been waiting for this.


The Dutch, the Belgians, and the Cantonese know how to deep-fry. The rest of the world doesn't. It's as simple as that. Please step away from the Fryolator.


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