OLD COOZ WISH LIST

Today I turned fifty-one years old. Ergo, I am now in my fifties, and officially an old fart.
It probably behooves me to act that way.

So, as a celebration at having failed at love, acquired gout, and lost weight (just three recent achievements that I can think of at the moment - there may be others), I have decided to post a list of things I dislike. Followed by some stuff I very much like.
The first list is longer than the second. Remarkable.


NASTY THINGS

Sports and discussion of the team
No, I don't care about the spread, or how butch your team looks. Please don't tell me how the game is played. And take off that stupid jersey, you look a right fool.

Single white women in bars
Ladies, you are not nearly as attractive as you think you are. For one thing, your slut-clothing and that "I am the most desirable bitch in Christendom" attitude doesn't work.
There's a reason those things are called 'tramp stamps'.

Wide-eyed tourists in Chinatown
Yes, that is an eel. It is edible. At some point it will be on a plate with some cilantro. Stop going 'ewwwwwww, yuck!' And for crap sakes DON'T keep ordering pork-fried rice and Kungpao Shrimp - eat something you've never had before.

Germans, Italians, and Poles on the Cable Car
Bitches, I live here, and I'm trying to get home. You lot are occupying way too much space. Don't block the entry-way, and stop constantly elbowing your way in and out of the cabin. Yes, it costs five dollars - maybe you should've had that cappuccino instead. Or gone to McDonalds.

Berkeleyite lefties and middle-aged middleclass save-the-world types
For G-d's sake, just shut up! Real people are fed up with you lot. Go twirl in pink somewhere else.

People who insist on speaking baby-talk to children
Why are you interfering with their language acquisition and ability to formulate their thoughts? They're still developing, so they're already operating under a terrible handicap.
How cruel of you!

Shallow white chicks yakking
What is it with single women from the majority culture that makes them think they're the only worthwhile people on this planet?

Marketing type twenty-somethings singing Karaoke
You are not 'entitled', your singing is horrid, and you habitually drink too much. Go home, boff your slutty girlfriend, and sleep vomit. Thank you.

Old grannies at Stockton and Sacramento, all vicious elbows getting on the bus
First on the bus is first up the mountain. Just remember that, sweetheart. And I know plenty of other Cantonese 'euphemisms' for getting buried. You are old. I respect that.

Men boasting tactlessly about sex
Apparently the concept 'gentleman' doesn't exist in your world. You will probably go into politics, sports, or marketing. Pig.

People who insist on recommending a bestseller
There's ONE reason why it's popular: it's crap. Just because I read a lot does not mean I have to love the latest piece of mass-printed garbage. Okay, it changed your life - I now have second thoughts about knowing you.


References to Friends, Survivor, America's Next Top Model, and Desperate Housewives
Do you ever formulate any original thoughts? Or are you so shallow and mentally underdeveloped that you automatically engage in imitative behaviours? This isn't reassuring.


Just so my readers don't end up thinking this is all middle-aged bitterness, there's also a bunch of stuff I like.


NICE THINGS

Teenage Cantonese-American girls eating
Your appreciation of food is both total and broadminded. I applaud that.

Illustrated cookbooks
Food porn. Lovely. I have a big skillet.

Cool beverages with small tapioca balls
Much nicer on the tongue than those large Taiwanese lumps. Small things taste better.

Pipe tobacco that has personal erotic connotations
All perversions are oral. Mine especially.

Early dawn on Nob hill
It's the light. And the quiet. And the complete absence on the street of self-impressed single white women or their Marketing-type mid twenty sports-aficionado dumb yutz boyfriends.
I guess both of you are still sleep-barfing, huh?

Dim sum
Probably the best thing San Francisco has to offer. And remarkably free of tourists, Berkeleyites, world-savers, sports fans, marketing types, or shallow white chicks. I need to find a bunch of culinarily broad-minded people to eat with in the Chinatown area.


Now, that wasn't that bad, was it? Twelve nasties, six nicies. Better than any number of walks on the beach or guitar-playing nuns.
Please remember this list when gift-giving time comes. Anything on the shorter list can be giftwrapped and delivered.
Feel free to e-mail me your own lists, or post them in the comments.


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