Wednesday, November 21, 2007

SHI - CHINESE VERSE WITH LINES OF FIVE OR SEVEN SYLLABLE LENGTH [AND IF THAT ISN'T THE MOST EXCITING TITLE FOR A POST, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS!]

This is a response to a query underneath a recent posting.
[Here: http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2007/11/three-tang-poems.html]


Steg (dos iz nit der šteg) asks: "Is Chinese poetry frequently defined by an even number of zi in each line?"


Hello Steg,
The short answer is yes it is.



Generally speaking, Chinese poetry is divided into two categories.
Shi: 詩 - verse, often specifically verse of matched lines either in four or eight line sets, and Tsu: 辭 - lyric, usually in a set pattern of lines of different lengths, often based on songs. The first term however also applies to the material in the Book of Songs (詩 經 - Shi Ching), not all of which has matched lines.

The Shi Ching has some of the oldest verse in the Chinese language, and allegedly speaks of high moral values - although the lubricious boasting of a gallant that he has made love to three (!) damsels in one of the poems is almost impossible to read without twinkling eyes, and the wooing of another maiden, which cunningly uses bird-motifs to suggest the unsuggestable ("kwan kwan go the ospreys, kwan kwan"), is anything but puritan in tone.

From the Chou dynasty (周 朝 - Ch'ou chiu, 1122 bce to 256 bce) onward the definition of verse became more and more rigid - eventually verse with even numbers of lines and matching syllable count was considered shi, all else was by default tsu. Tsu could be sung, and often was. Shi could be chanted, but sounds a little ridiculous if sung.

[This is a value judgment! I think it sounds ridiculous if sung - others, who are wrong, disagree.]



唐 詩
The T'ang dynasty (唐 朝 - T'ang chiu, 618 ce to 906 ce) saw the greatest development of matched verse, in which there are the same number of zi per line, with either five or seven syllable lines throughout. There is usually a symmetry of sentence form, tonal contrast (level tones versus oblique) alternating within each line and contrasting in the next, a match or contrast of theme-words, and a progression of images and ideas that make the reader continue the thought or emotion beyond the end of the poem.

Because of the set patterns they are the easiest poems to memorize, and often the hardest to translate well (due to the terse nature of the Chinese language).

In many T'ang examples the poets, while expert at structure, play somewhat fast and loose with the constraints of the form for greater effect. Their poems (古 詩 - "ancient verse") have the correct line lengths, and full rhyme every second line. But their expressiveness lies in the almost perversely casual approach to the conventions of the form. There is seldom perfect parallelism, tone balance is frequently implied rather than perfected, pattern matching is nearly non-existent.



律 詩 , 絕 句
The ideal form is the full eight lines with parallelism and symmetry, which is known as regulated verse: 律 詩 (Lu Shi). The poets Li Po and Tu Fu are, famously, often anarchically heretical in their approach to this form, and often produce clever quatrains instead: 絕 句 (Jue Ju) or broken sentences.



新 詩
Since the revolution that overthrew the Manchu Dynasty (清 朝 - Ching chiu, 1644 - 1911, also called 大清 - Taai Ching, "great clarity"), poetic conventions have been relaxed. One hesitates to call much modern verse by the term 'poetry', though clearly it still is 'literature'. The term 'new poem' (新 詩) is frequently used; even the bohemians of the past would vociferously complain that 'this does not compute'.



楚 辭
Final note: While the Shi Ching represents what the Confucian school considered proper poetry that would serve to instruct the ruler in the emotional needs of his people, the Songs of Chu (楚 辭 Chu Tsu) are of nearly equal age, and present an entirely different background and set of reference points.

[Chu was a large kingdom that at the beginning of the Chinese era was far beyond the borders of civilization (occupying a broad geographic zone overlapping modern central-southern China), but which by the early classic period (about two and a half millennia ago) was entirely Sinicised - like Chou, their barbarian edges had worn off, and elements of their culture and thought-realm had expanded the Chinese horizon.]

This collection of chants, allegedly written by a righteous Confucian, reflects a belief-system quite different from the proper Chinese heartland - a world in which the unstilled spirits of the deceased are by ritual and offering conjured back by their emotional kin to their proper place , where they find security, and can influence the lives of their descendants. How odd! To a proper Confucian of the time, ancestral spirits did NOT roam about at all, but occasionally manifested themselves decorously within the sanctuary of the family temple.



The Songs of Chu represents a more unbridled concept of the world, and contains much that is either totemic or shamanistic. Chu, though sinicised, was still a marshy southern borderland, with different manners and mores. Not quite 'us', don’t you know.

The modern native of Chu would, of course, disagree with the opinion above. After all, what could possibly be MORE civilized than Suchou, Shanghai, Hangchou....... It is davka those northerners who should worry about their lack of civilization, not the south.

The Cantonese, further south than any of the others, wholeheartedly agree. The ultimate South (粤 Yueh - boundarial zone, 嶺 南 Ling Nan - South of the Passes; both are ancient terms for Kwantung), has ALWAYS been the heart of Chinese civilization, and all of those northern people (including Chu) are just goofy. Punkt.



---------------------------------------------------


ADDENDUM: SEPARATION AS A THEME IN CHINESE QUATRAINS


Often verses were composed by literati at parting, when one of them would be sent out to a distant posting and his friends would see him off. They would not meet again for years, decades even, and it was unlikely that all of them would ever be together in the same place again. So on the morning of the departure, all would ride for a while together, and have wine at a landmark or bosky wine-shop before saying farewell.


Li Po (李白) says goodbye to Meng Hao-Ran (孟浩然) at the Yellow Crane Tower in this verse: 送孟浩然之廣陵 (Song Meng Hao-Ran zhi Guang Ling - seeing off Meng Hao-Ran to Guang Ling)

故人西辭黃鶴樓,
煙花三月下揚州。
孤帆遠影碧空盡,
惟見長江天際流。

Transcription:
Gu-ren xi ci Huang He Lou,
Yin hua san yueh xia Yang Zhou;
Gu fan yuan ying bi kong jin,
Wei jian Zhang Jiang tian ji liu.

Translation (paraphrasis):
My old friend heads west at the Yellow Crane Tower,
Amid the early spring smoke-drifts below Yang Chou;
A solitary sail, a distant image, swallowed by the blue expanse,
Finally, I can only see the great river flowing to the horizon.

Note the suggestion of tears in the last line - the conceit is that he waited till the sail disappeared from sight, it is more likely that his eyes were too wet to see clearly long before then.



Wang Wei (王維) describes a similar occasion in Wei Cheng Chu (渭城曲 - Wei City lyric):

渭城朝雨浥輕塵,
客舍青青柳色新。
勸君更盡一杯酒,
西出陽關無故人。

Transcription:
Wei-Cheng zhao-yu yi qing chen,
Ke she qing qing liu se xin;
Quan jun geng jin yi bei jiu,
Xi chu Yang Guan wu gu-ren.

Translation (paraphrasis):
Wei city, morning rain settles the dancing dust,
At a rustic inn all is green, the willows newly tipped;
I urge you to drain one more cup of wine,
West of Yang Guan there will be no old friends.

Almost anytime the term guan (關 - barrier gate, pass) is used, exile outside of civilization is meant. The barrier gates were the exits into the wilds beyond China, the Tatar lands, the Jurchen forests, the wild and thoroughly repulsive frontier zone. The contrast of guan with gu-ren (故 人 - familiar person, intimate friend) could not be more striking - 'west of the gate into the waste-land there will be none with whom you will have anything at all in common, so please, prolong this moment with just one more glass, and remember us and Wei city as it is now, in springtime'.



Travel is a constant theme in literati writings - as the official class of the empire, they were often on the road to and from postings, or on official business.

Here's Zhang Hu (張祜) being grouchy over having missed the last ferry across the river in Ti Jin Ling Du (題金陵渡 - 'On the theme of waiting for the ferry to Jin Ling').

金陵津渡小山樓,
一宿行人自可愁。
潮落夜江斜月裡,
兩三星火是瓜州。

Transcription:
Jin Ling jin du xiao shan lou,
Yi xiu xing ren zi ke chou;
Chao luo yeh jiang xie yueh li,
Liang san xing huo shi Gua zhou.

Translation (paraphrasis):
Waiting for the ferry at Jin Ling ford in a rustic shelter,
A lonesome traveler manages to make himself thoroughly miserable;
Sopping wet at the river, barely any moon light,
And yet I can see the flickering lights of Gua Chow across the water!



Du Mu (杜牧), similarly stuck on the wrong side of the river, gets testy over backwaters and local apathy, in Po Jin Huai (泊秦淮 - moored at the confluence of the Jin and Huai rivers). Or maybe he's lamenting what has passed.

煙籠寒水月籠沙,
夜泊秦淮近酒家。
商女不知亡國恨,
隔江猶唱後庭花。

Transcription:
Yin lung han sui yueh lung sa,
Yeh po Jin Huai jin jiu-jia;
Shang nu bu zhi wang guo hen,
Ge jiang you chang hou ting hua.

Translation (paraphrasis):
Mist enfolds cold water, moonlight delimits sand,
Moored at night in Jin Huai near a wine shop;
The trollop does not know the despair of a destroyed nation,
Across the river she still sings 'The Back Court Blossom'.

Shang-nu (商 女) refers to wine-shop girls, whose cheerful company would spur the clientele to drink more and prolong the moment (sometimes into the wee hours, sometimes into upstairs chambers). In the past, Du Mu probably enjoyed their presence, yet here he is clearly disgusted with the superficiality of it all - don't they know what happened? How can they still sing gay songs of the capitol, now that the Tatars have sacked it and the nation is undone!



Returning in dreams to familiar places also crops up as a theme in the writings of scholars.
Zhang Bi (張泌) revisits the mansion of the Xie family in Ji-ren (寄人 - traveler)

別夢依依到謝家,
小廊回合曲闌斜。
多情只有春庭月,
猶為離人照落花。

Transcription:
Bie meng yi yi dao Xie jia,
Xiao lang hui ta qu lan xie;
Duo qing zhi you chun ting yueh,
You wei li ren zhao luo hua.

Translation (paraphrasis):
In my dreams I still go to the Xie mansion,
Wandering along the lesser veranda with the curved railing;
Emotional, because of the spring moonlight in the courtyard,
Which, for this exile alone, is adrift in fallen flowers.

There was little chance that he would ever see the moon-silvered petal-drifts in the courtyard of the Xie mansion again. One can well understand the depth of his feeling on revisiting it in his dreams.



One scholar who did manage to return home after a life in distant postings was He Zhi-Zhang (賀知章), who says of his return to his home village in Hui Xiang Ou-Shu (回鄉偶書 - Return Home Incidental Scribble):

少小離家老大回,
鄉音無改鬢毛衰。
兒童相見不相識,
笑問客從何處來。

Transcription:
Shao-xiao li jia lao da hui,
Xiang yin wu gai bin mao shuai;
Er-tong xiang jian bu xiang shi,
Xiao wen 'ge cong he chu lai?'

Translation (paraphrasis):
Very young when I left home, I return as an old man,
My accent has not changed, though the hair on my temples has thinned;
The children and I look at each other, without any recognition,
Smiling, they ask "visitor, where do you come from?"

But at least he did return, and no doubt became a familiar face again in his village. This was for many an unrealizable dream. The fate of the literate is often eternal exile - if not dislocation, anomie.



Note: All poets cited above lived during the T'ang dynasty, when the Chinese Empire was at an all time high of both prosperity and territory. Chinese civilization had both a provincial aspect, frequently subcultural, and a metropolitan aspect, which for want of a better word can be described as 'supracultural'. The scholars who staffed the chancelleries and departments had their roots in their own local culture, but in their literacy and education exemplified the values of the supraculture. One can take the scholar out of Kansas, but one cannot cut Kansas out of the scholar.



==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

JUSTICE IS AN ANGRY BLACK MAN

Tradition is mighty fine.

It is traditional that every year on the Surinam Mailing List there is a screaming match of monumental proportions regarding the issue of Black Pete.

[The Surinam Mailing List is for people who have any interest in Surinam (formerly Dutch Guiana), many of whom are from there, or have some connection to the place and the people.]


Usually World War Three starts on the list right about now, and continues all the way through to Nittel Night. The rhetorical bombing runs and hate-mail missiles take out enemy cities, verbal napalm denudes entire provinces. The injured stumble from the battlefield of dialectic with wounds all bleeding and puss-y gangrenous, the mute cadavers of those who fell in word-war are spitefully carved up and mutilated. The hoarse rasping gasp of Shma-Yisroel or Our Fadder by a dying disputant can faintly be heard.
All of this entirely in a flood of furious letters, of course. A metaphor.


Stop scratching your head, I shall explain.


It relates to a fictionalized holy man (Sinterklaas, Saint Nicholas) whose holiday is celebrated in the Dutch-speaking part of the world on December 6th. or on the evening beforehand (Sinterklaas avond - Saint Nicholas eve, December 5th.).
In the middle of the night the fictionalized gentleman squeezes his portly middle-aged self down narrow chimneys to give presents and candies to good children, coal to mediocre children, and drag the truly awful ones back to Spain with him when he leaves.

Formerly the bishop of Smyrna, a millennium ago he retired to the Costa Del Sol - the European equivalent of Miami. Once a year he comes out of retirement, puts on his glad-rags, gets on his silver-grey horse, and goes to the Netherlands for a month.
For the children. Candies. Peppernuts. Marzipan. Playstations and Nike.


However, if you've been a particularly nasty little brat, you get something unpleasant instead.

A savage beating by six to eight black men.

You see, part of the story is that 'Sinterklaas' is accompanied by six to eight big butch black men wearing the type of poncy frou-frou costumes you've seen in Italian paintings. Individually and collectively they are called "Zwarte Piet" (Black Pete). They have no actual identities of their own, no individual names, they do not get to ride horses. They are mere retinue. And they are goon. They are not the sweet and gentle type of black man with which you are familiar.

A bad child will get fiercely birched within an inch of his life by one or more of these gentlemen, then dumped into a gunny-sack and dragged off to Spain, never to be seen again.


Traditionally, the six to eight big butch black men are impersonated by one to three white people (often young ladies), with crudely applied black-facepaint, wearing whatever gaudy big butch drag they find in the rag heap. They utter nasty foreign sounding boogabooga grunts and pidgin Dutch threats to scare the crap outta the little kids - especially the ones who haven't spent the previous month acting all goody two shoes, kissing up, singing cutesy songs about how happy they are to await the coming of the Saint (and his six to eight big butch black men), and dutifully putting out cookies for the Saint every night, and a carrot for his horse (but nothing for the retinue). They occasionally chase a brat, do a handstand or a cartwheel, or act colourful in some way.

Many Dutch people have not grasped the racism of this yet, as they remember the joy of the season that they felt as children, getting candies, toys, cake, marzipan, chocolate letters. And as adults, they want to recapture that joy, and pass it on to their kids. Fear, trauma, bribery, and payola - all combined into a cheery feast.

White folks in blackface.


You can no doubt understand why Surinamers in the Netherlands are "ambivalent" about this.

Yearly there is much venting about it on the list.

It is therefore with bated breath that I await the start of battle. All is quiet at the moment. But this cannot endure. Huge buckets of hate, of puss, of venom, are intrinsically part of the holiday tradition. And we must respect tradition.

----------------------------------

About the title of this post:
Justice is usually pictured as a blind white woman, scantily dressed, holding a pan-scale. Absurd! Justice is not blind or white - Justice is actually a large black man, holding a bunch of birches. And boy, is he angry.

David Sedaris said so.


See: Live at Carnegie Hall.

Or rather, listen.

Monday, November 19, 2007

UNMAGNIFICENT OBSESSION

One of my commenters seems to have a bee in his bonnet. And I am not at all sure how to deal with it. He's posted a disturbing request under two previous posts.

Lawrence Cuttleworth wrote:

Dear Mr. BOTH,

You continue to obstinately ignore my comment. Why?

I wrote:

Dear Mr. BOTH,

There has been a terrible misconception among Orthodox Jews. They understand the verse "ve hagisa bo yomam va laila", And thou shalt delve in in by day and by night, to refer to the Torah. And therefore, they study Torah all day, every day. But in fact, it refers to the Sexual Fantasies of the Nazis. It is davka the Sexual Fantasies of the Nazis that one is supposed to study all day.
I expect a post from you on this topic, forthwith.

Sincerely,


Lawrence Cuttleworth

--------------------------------

Gracious me.

Need I confess that this has me flummoxed? The idea that one should delve into the sexual fantasies of Nazis is new to me......

I imagine that their dreams probably involved very big blonde women wearing horned helmets and Marlene Dietrich fishnets and little else, and further that there may have been a sado-masochistic element also. People who are truly curious about these matters should go to Castro Street and look in some of the store windows, or buy erotica that features bulky men in skimpy leather stormtrooper outfits with bare-ass chaps.

And please do NOT report back on what you find. Respect my youthfull innocence, and that of my tender readers. Thank you.

This blog, for one, will certainly not dwell on these matters 'yomam va laila'. I'm already pretty close to tearing out my mental eyeballs over the concept.

[Mental eyeballs regenerate infinitely - the imagination is a many-eyed bug-thing.]


Might I suggest, my dear Mr. Cuttleworth, that you could be misreading that verse? And that rather than being 'a misconception of orthodox Jews' it is actually an issue for you alone? Possible an abnormal fetiche? An unhealthy fascination?

If you really NEED a horned helmet and fishnets, I'm sure you can find them on e-Bay.
The moist concrete floor, crotchless leather pants, and riding crop can all be found locally anywhere in the civilized world. And you should probably have a good hardware store, locksmith, and the emergency room on speed dial.

If you do decide to go whole hog (tied or otherwise), and create your own blog devoted to your interpretation of day-and-night obsessing, I shall NOT post a link to that blog, I shall NOT mention it in any context whatsoever in any of my postings, and I shall NOT suggest to my readers in any way where it can be found.


But I shall probably visit it. And encourage you with eccentric anonymous comments.
Depending on the details, your progress into the dark dungeon of the mind could fascinate me no end. Nearly as much as it will disturb me.
But like a slow motion train wreck that takes out the orphanage with all the perky Catholic schoolgirls, I will likely not be able to pull my sticky eyes away.

[Pleated green-blue-black plaid skirts. Crisp white cotton blouses. White socks. Pony tails. The backs of shapely knees. Oh my.]


I did mention that I like freak-shows, didn't I?

Friday, November 16, 2007

STICKY FINGERS

This is the season of the rotting fruit.
Huge generous piles of rotting fruit.
With wasps and worms.


At this time of year the trees in Brabant are losing their leaves, the air in the woods outside of Valkenswaard is rich with tannin from the oaks, and the breeze carries sharp rotten-moss odours from the pines. Briny, moldy, moist. The air is cold.

As it was then.

Earlier in those autumns, when the weather was still warm and sunlight lasted longer, we would climb over the walls of other people's gardens and steal the unripe apples, sour and crunchy and too small to bother plucking. In some orchards an apricot would still hang on a branch, dangling over long grass that hid it's darkened kin. We feasted on our stolen treasures, and came home late with no appetite for dinner.


When the frosts hit in late October even the apples lost their tempting qualities. The grass underneath the trees would be wet and filled with rotting things. A late wasp would sluggishly rise to threaten, something black and horny would disappear among the soggy lumps and leaves. Our fingers no longer snatched and but stayed inside our pockets. The cold wind escorted in the early twilight and the long chill dusk, which did not darken with a golden glow, but in a faded silver that settled into umbers and slate greys.


The Smeets family had had several apple trees and a few pears in their long, long yard. The fruit would start ripening in late summer, and the passage through the hedge-row would then have to be rediscovered and surreptitiously re-widened, in preparation for raids. Their fruit was small and crisp, but incredible juicy - our chins and hands testified to our crimes. We were quick, we were silent.

The Smeets children were just as bad as everybody else in other yards. While we gorged on their green apples, they ate stolen red stars in old man Driessen's garden.

There were so many fruit trees in the neighborhood that everyone lost and everyone won.

The grown-ups did this too. There is nothing quite so suspicious as the stern voice of adult authority, with bulging pockets and bumpy clothes. People wearing ill-fitting garments that you had never seen them in before acting surprised, out of place, and grumpy. The twig in the hair and the leaves stuck in the collar were, in hindsight, odd.


I did not notice it happening, but as I grew older, more and more of the trees disappeared. By the time I started smoking there were only a few left. Our big apple tree in the courtyard, an apricot tree three gardens over, and some berry bushes along the road. The Smeets only had the pear trees left. And the smells had changed. Gardens had been cleared, people had moved away. What had once been called the stink path was now an actual road - paved, lit, besidewalked, straightened out and made civilized. The house where 'Steel Jesus' lived with his dear little wife from the Indies was no longer there. Their cherry trees, the peaches and plums, and the apple trees were gone. A parking lot marks the spot. A very neat little parking lot, with shiny street lamps. Very bright and cheerful.

Angry house-harridans do not yell at shadows flitting through the trees, guard-dogs no longer sociably slobber into fruit-stained faces.
Does anyone even still steal fruit in this age?

Someone should invent a video-game.


I think I'll let some apples rot in the kitchen over the next few days to reawaken memories.
This will be fun.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

THREE T'ANG POEMS

My constant readers will no doubt forgive me if I briefly veer into one of my other modes.


楓橋夜泊
The first poem in Chinese I ever memorized was this one by Zhang Zhi (張繼): 楓橋夜泊
[Night Mooring at Maple Bridge]

月落烏啼霜满天
江楓漁火對愁眠
姑蘇城外寒山寺
夜半鐘聲到客船

Transcription:
Yue luo wu ti shuang man tian,
Jiang feng yu huo dui chou mian.
Gu Su cheng wai Han Shan Si,
Ye ban zhong sheng dao ke chuan.


Translation (paraphrasis):
"The moon lowers crows caw frost fills the sky,
Maple trees and fishermen's lights meet my melancholy gaze;
From beyond Han Shan (Cold Mountain) Temple outside the city of Gu Su (Su Chou),
I hear the sound of the midnight bell as it reaches this traveler's boat. "



I memorized it first, because it was the first one in the bilingual edition of the famous anthology. It is one that many Japanese of a certain age have also memorized, as well as people who have been to old-fashioned high schools. The man who wrote this was on his way back from failing the metropolitan exams. Little else is known about him.


巴山夜雨
One of the most evocative poems that I remember is probably Ba Shan Yeh Yu - Evening Rain on Ba Mountain (巴山夜雨) by Sun Shan Qi (孫善齊).

君問歸期未有期
巴山夜雨涨秋池
何當共剪西窗燭
卻話巴山夜雨時

Transcription:
Jun wen gui qi wei you qi,
Ba shan yeh yu zhang qiu chi;
He dang gong jian xi chuang zhu,
Que hua Ba Shan yeh yu shi.


Translation (paraphrasis):
"My lord asks me the date of my return yet there is no date,
On Ba mountain the rains fill the autumnal pools;
When again in each other's company shall we trim the wicks at the western window?
All I can say is that it will be when the rain on Ba mountain (again) fills the autumn pools. "



While this poem could be and probably is about the temporary separation of a couple, she perhaps on an extended visit to her relatives in a different province due to a family emergency, the choice of pronoun (Jun 君) speaks in modern Japanese usage AND in T'ang dynasty Chinese usage of male equals. One can therefore also imagine two literati, study partners, who spent much time swatting the classics together. A chavruso relationship, in other words.

Such a relationship was by no means unusual among people of the literate class, especially as maintaining literacy generation after generation was a shared effort by many people. Lifelong friendships were founded upon it.
And it also occured not infrequently among a man and wife - an illiterate woman could not effectively encourage and guide the growth into literacy of her children, nor impart the scholarly values.


山中問答
A particular favourite poem speaks of a scholar who has given up on the pursuit of success.

山中問答
[Sheilos u'teshuvos mittn grinne bergen]
by 李白
[Li Taai Baahk - Li Po]

問余何意棲碧山
笑而不答心自閑
桃花流水窅然去
別有天地非人間

Transcription:
Wen yu he yi qi bi shan,
Xiao er bu da xin zi xian;
Tao hua liu shui yao ran qu,
Bie you tian di fei ren jian.


Translation (paraphrasis):
"Ask me why I stay in the green mountains,
I smile but do not answer - my heart is at ease;
Peach blossoms and flowing water go towards the horizon,
There is another world beyond the human bustling.



The allusion is to the tale of Peach Blossom Spring (in short: a traveler discovers a hidden paradise by following a rivulet that comes out of a mountain wall. He discovers a wonderful place, where people seem youthful, happy, unconcerned. When he returns to his own village, no one believes him. And when he tries to find that place again, he cannot).

The sense is of a literatus who keeps deliberately separate from the world. Peace and tranquility achieved by deliberately ignoring the mundane hunt for official glory that characterized the environment of the Chinese literati. Avoiding the pollution of the bureaucratic life in times of corruption was also one of their strongest ideals.



==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

BLESSING THE HAGGIS

This post is offal.

In August of 2001 someone on the Suriname mailing list asked about Haggis. In connection with kwakoe (a summer festival for Surinamers living in P'tata), celebrated every year in the Bijlmer.

[Explanatory notes: Surinamers are Dutch Guyanese, mostly of African or Creole ancestry but also including every ethnic and cultural group under the sun in not insignificant proportion. Kwakoe (Kwaku) means Wednesday in Kromanti, which is a Voodoo (Winti) ritual language derived from Ghanaian languages spoken by the Africans brought to Suriname (Dutch Guiana), and is the name for a man born on that day of the week. It is also the name of the monument in Paramaribo to the abolition of slavery on Wednesday July first, 1863. Consequently the statue, of a man breaking free of his chains, has been identified as personifying the archetype of the African Surinamer, a free man at last, finally in charge of his own life. It was natural that the name would be adopted for a two month long festival (weekends in July through August) celebrating Surinamese heritage (and food) in what is probably the largest Surinamese city in the world, namely the Bijlmer Meer Polder housing estates in South-East Amsterdam. P'tata (potato) is the affectionate nickname that the Surinamers gave to the Netherlands.]

In response to that query I mentioned that Haggis is quite inedible unless one is Scottish or insane, and further explained that it is made by taking the plucks (heart, lungs, liver - so named because they can be extracted from the animal corpse by grasping and 'plucking') and boiling the crap out of them for several hours before chopping them fine, combining them with oatmeal - chopped onion - spices, stuffing this unholy mixture into a cleaned lamb stomach, and steaming the frightful concoction several more hours. A vegetarian version can be made with tofu (substitute cheesecloth for lamb stomach), which will be marginally more edible.

Recently E-kvetcher, a fellow blogger and friend of this blog, asked tongue-in-cheekily what the appropriate brocha for haggis would be.

I am in the unfortunate position of having given much thought to haggis, and consequently can authoritatively answer that question.


THE BROCHA FOR HAGGIS

Let us assume that you have been served a portion of haggis. The whiskey was nice, the bagpipe music far less so, and your hosts have now dumped an evil substance with the texture of grainy spackle and no identifiable food related characteristics on your plate. You are of two minds as to whether to eat any part of it. You stare at it with considerable surprise and distrust.
And yet you grasp your fork anticipatorily; you will...... fork it.


In this case, the correct practice (in Scotland) is to recite: "Boruch Ata Adonoi Eloheinu, melech ha olam, oseh ma'aseh vereishis".

.
.
.

Better, though, to politely demure, and say "Boruch ata Adonoi Eloheinu, melech ha olam, shegemalani kol tov".


Sotto voce.


I wish to stress that last part. These folks actually EAT this stuff, and have a well-deserved reputation for being dour and bloody maniacs. Remember that bad Mel Gibson movie? You do not want them to start pulling out the blue face paint, do you? These are the same vicious people who will deep-fry a Snickers bar without a second thought. Be carefull.

[Note that if one is in Scotland, teatime is wonderful, but for dinner better go to a foreign (English) restaurant and stick with safe and reliable choices such as spotted dick and boiled baby. These are not savoury as haggis is alleged to be. But safety first.]

---------------------------------------------------------

Final word on Kwakoe: If you are in Amsterdam during July and August, definitely consider attending the festival. Even if the prospect of bloodpudding, fladder, offal, screamingly hot chilies, and bacalhao in peanut-curry doesn't excite you, there are many other fine things to eat (Surinamese cuisine is absolutely terrific, and, along with Indonesian cuisine represents the very best that Dutch food has ever achieved). Buy yourself a tall bottle of Parbo beer or an ice cold glass of almond syrup and soda water, find a place to park yourself, and listen to some great party music. Swingi, man!

---------------------------------------------------------

Note: the offal discussion happened over at Steg's place:
http://boroparkpyro.blogspot.com/
E-kvetcher's blog is here:
http://search-for-emes.blogspot.com/
Need I mention that I read their blogs regularly?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

TONS OF CRUNCHY GOODNESS!

I am in receipt of an e-mail that starts off with the following very misguided sentence: "In an effort to keep us all familiar with our largest retailers, we are organizing trips to Bay Area Wal-Marts, Targets ....... "

Huh?

Why do I need this? I'm a pencil pushing, bean counting, irritable (but detail-oriented and brilliant) accounts receivable worker bee - I do not need any more familiarity with our largest retailers. I am not going to affect the outcome of any bitch-fights the sales department starts with these companies, nor do I need any more information on our biggest customers. So please guys, treat me like a mushroom on this. Go off and have your own happy little day out, eat your chain brand pizza from a storefront facing a large parking lot afterwards, and have yourselves a big, BIG 36 ounce delicious carbonated soft-drink! With extra ice! You deserve it!
Just include me out.


Unfortunately, I cannot fight this. Entirely without any input or consultation I have been included on a list which says "Target Colma".

With what? A tactical nuclear device?

Oh, you mean I'm supposed to get my middle-aged butt over to a big box in Colma. Shoot. A mall surrounded by the gazillion graves for which Colma is famous. Best place to stick a stiff in nine counties. Hundreds of thousands of satisfied cadav...stomers. Lots for less.


Additionally, y'all want me to fill out a questionnaire about the experience which was written by a ten year old. I didn't know we hired ten year olds. Did one of you "smart" marketing midgets farm out the writing of this thing to your kid brother? Special-Ed Ted? Couldn't you at least have proofread the darn thing afterwards?


Seriously, I wonder about the folks who go to Colma. Visit graves and shop for a six-month supply of toilet paper - who plans that for a fun-filled weekend?
What twisted multi-tasker considers scrubbing a headstone a good excuse to purchase a case of turkey franks and four dozen two-litre bottles of soda? Digging up the belladonna from little Maisy's patch equates to a frozen twenty-four unit box of mummified chickens? A bunch of flowering banewort on Mabel's marble slab earns you thirty kilopacks of niblets embalmed in high-salt breading? Giant party-size bags of Tastee-Krisp Kornpoos™ among the moss and yews? Crypts, lychs, and teevee dinners?

These are the kinds of mental associations that normal people should not automatically make, don't you think?

There you are, eating a Hungry Jack's Generous Portions Turkey And Gravy Dinner, when suddenly you remember grand-dad after that incident with the wood-chipper. The scene at the morgue identifying the... left-overs. The open casket funeral (whose idea was that?!?!). The creaky coffin with the shifting weight. Cousin Gunther clutching the pine-box and screaming that he was "staying with gramps forever, don't TOUCH me, you savage beasts!" Jake proposing marriage to Belle in the car on the way back.

You fork some more Hungry Jack turkey breast into your maw, and chew thoughtfully. You always did like dear old grand-dad. He was.... juicy.


Oh wait, that's the turkey.


Salty, too.


The e-mail ends by telling us that each team has twenty dollars mad money, and we should have fun. Exclamation mark.
Which is exceedingly disturbing.

Far from me to know any more about such ideas of fun. Sickos.

Monday, November 12, 2007

INVITATION TO BRAY

I note that Dovbear has dropped Chaim G. from the list of contributors to his blog.

Probably in response to the squeals of outrage from some of his less tolerant readers.

In a previous posting I said that if Dov's readers convince him to ban Chaim G., I would extend contributor privileges on my blog.
[Did I ever mention that squeals of outrage give me gas? They don't, they actually give me an electric thrill. Anyhoo, the previous post is here:http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2007/11/i-hate-democracy.html]


Chaim, this is your invitation to guest-post here. If you accept, e-mail me to discuss.


Hmmmm, this might up the Torah quotient of this blog. And that is by no means a bad thing.

----------------------------- -----------------------------

It will be remembered from previous exposure that Chaim G. is the
Chameleonymous Chaim Grossferstant;
AKA
A Fellow Menuval, A Mar Gavriel Hasid, A Monsey Chusid, A Monsey Misnaged, Beauty is false & comeliness vain, Chaim G. the fact checker, Chaim G. the Haloscan Klutz, Chaim G. the peacemaker, Denzel Washington, George Orwell, Godwin's Law Task Force, Hannah Arendt, I-Gave@the-office, JewishAlarmist, King Agag, King Saul, Knuckle-Dragging Barbarian, Letz Takeh, Lorena Bobbit, Mae West, Mao Zedong, M'Bais Midrosho shel HaGr"a, Meah Shearim denizen, M, Mozart to Salieri, Mrs. Willy Lohman, National kill-time /injure eternity, Neither G-d nor a Lady, Old Testament Profit Margin, Pesi Ya'arim, Preference by Loreal, Profesor of Schatology, ReCantor Yossele Bray-a-blatt, Reform Heretic, Rubashkin shochet's helper, Ruth-the Queen Mother, Scatolgy Task Force, Sepharadic Mahmir, The Bray of Fundie, The Charedi Exorcist, The original ignoramus Chaim G.

IT SMELLS LIKE VICTORY

Constant readers will recall that I occasionally gibber about pipe-tobacco, and may also remember mention of something called 'Balkan Sobranie'.


The Balkan Sobranie mixture, which has not been made for nearly two decades, was a bright spot of monumental proportions during the last few years I lived in the Netherlands.
It was ....... wonderful. Sheerly wonderfriggingfull.

But there seemed to be hardly anybody else in Valkenswaard who thought so. My brother was by no means enamoured of the smell. My classmates regarded it as clear evidence of perversion. And the fellows at the jeugd-societeit, who almost all smoked foul-smelling dark Dutch shag tobacco, considered the smell of Balkan Sobranie to be quite objectionable. Much more so than their own sour and rotten reek. Which they defended as the natural smell of a smoker.


I bear them no ill will because of that. Their mistakes and bad leaf choices are not the reason for this post.


This weekend I compounded a tobacco mixture of my own design. A Balkan English, with carefully calculated proportions. I used some of the blending tobaccos I acquired a few weeks ago from Cornell & Diehl. Including Smyrna and Latakia. Craig Tarler, of C&D, provides a very fine Latakia, by the way.


Can I just toot my own horn here a bit?


I'M A GENIUS! I'M A GENIUS!
[Now picture for yourself a small warty toad jumping up and down happily in a dense cloud of smoke.]

The mixture is as close to my nose-memory of Balkan Sobranie as I'm ever likely to find. I've been smoking it all weekend, and echoes of those last few years in Valkenswaard have been drifting in and out of my head. Details long forgotten. Even the creak of the furniture in the living room, the light of my father's desk lamp, the sense of grey sheets of rain in summer. Overcast half-dark in mid-day, leaden clouds and heavy branches, the tannic musk of wet tree bark, the perfume of grass and clay.
Thickly leaved trees on the market square - verdant, heavy, wet, wet, wet.
Green and grey, green and grey.


In retrospect I realize I was not, strictly speaking, sane during those last three years before returning to the States. One of my coping mechanisms was a state of emotional rigidity, a narrowing of responses. I don't think I dealt well with my mother's illness. But I wonder whether that was a natural result of my age and my environment at that time, or if it was a gradual and willed blocking off of certain categories of stimuli. More memory will tell.


On an aromatically related note, I particularly recollect the week that my father was in London.
Tobias (my brother) was living in Tilburg at that time, which left me in charge of the house. I ate sautéed mushrooms every day, and smoked lots of Balkan Sobranie. Strong tea at four-thirty in the quiet house, fried mushrooms a few hours later, drank more tea afterwards. The sense of solitary freedom was exhilarating. Pace yourself on the Genever, that bottle has to last.
Put down the book, and go for a stroll in quiet glistening streets.
Sooty Latakia, resinous Yenidje, and sweet pale pale Virginia.




TOBACCO INDEX


==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

Friday, November 09, 2007

BLOGGER APPRECIATION

It struck me that many of my recent postings have been rather snide and negative. I am a disagreeable person.
Not that there's anything wrong with that; stirring up the kettle is something I do rather well, and I don't seem to have too many enemies at present.


Nevertheless, I should mention some of the bloggers I thoroughly appreciate, and describe 'em a bit. Sort of a tip of the hat. And a friendly acknowledgement.
[I also appreciate the people who read my blog and comment, but it is for them that I am writing this.]


Dovbear
http://dovbear.blogspot.com/
Politically a liberal, religiously somewhat on the conservative side, likely Modern Orthodox but I've never asked. Manages to irritate the spit out of a huge number of vociferous if not eloquent individuals. One of the major J-blogs.
THIS IS A DAILY MUST-READ


Chaim G.
http://dovbear.blogspot.com/
Contributor and commenter on Dovbear's blog who really gets on some people's nerves big-time. By his own self-description overweight, black hat, Chareidi. But irrepressible and self-depreciating. Might actually not be an overweight orthodox gentleman at all, but maybe (I doubt it) a petite busty Philippina.


Margavriel
http://margavriel.blogspot.com/
Well, I used to enjoy his blog. He's closed himself off from the world in recent times, being now read-by-invitation only, and those invitations probably went just to the people he hangs with.
Still, I appreciate the hours of reading pleasure he has given me. Thanks, dude.


Steg (dos iz nit der šteg)
http://boroparkpyro.blogspot.com/
An insightful geek. And I mean that in an utterly good way. One of the best reads out there, both for his thoughts (esp. regarding Torah-Nach), and for occasional veering off into left field. He's very likeable, and he writes well. His is a warm and sunny blog. Especially for goblins.


Jameel at the Muqata
http://muqata.blogspot.com/
Settler, sociable, and may seem right wing. But that depends on how you define right wing (I tend to think of him as a lefty). Great sense of humour, equally great capacity for outrage. Litvish, strongly so. He and a few of his friends have a thing about waffles which I haven't figured out.
THIS IS A DAILY MUST-READ


Search for Emes / E-kvetcher
http://search-for-emes.blogspot.com/
Has a mind that goes outside boxes. Sometimes his posts are startling, sometimes they're amusing. I suspect him of having Chareidi sensibilities and Modern Orthodox leanings, but he's not easy to pigeonhole. And for that reason you should explore him occasionally.


Halfnutcase
http://www.yonirants.blogspot.com/
One of the best commenters on Dovbear's blog.
I hardly ever read what he posts on his own blog, however, as it is clear that he is trying to work out some serious problems with which I would be of no help. On Dovbear's blog one can count on him to mix material from medical journals with passages from Talmud, argue spiritedly, and actually demonstrate what a profoundly decent chap he is. Definitely one of the stars of the comment-swarm.


Mevaseretzion
http://mevaseretzion.blogspot.com/
Torah, Talmud, Halacha. And pedagogy. I suspect that he is also a Kahanist. Not that that is a problem in my world, but I can imagine that for some people that might present certain obstacles. Those same people would probably be upset if I told them what I really think about the settlements and the Edomites on the other side of the security fence, and how thin my patience with the Arabist point of view has become. Suffice to say that if Mev is a Kahanist, he is an example of what a Kahanist should be. And what we all should become.


RabbanGamliel
http://rabbangamliel.blogspot.com/
Yes, he has a blog. But he doesn't post much. He comments on XGH and on Dovbear. He is more intelligent than I am. Has a sense of humour, and is well-read.


Treppenwitz
http://bogieworks.blogs.com/treppenwitz/
Thoughtful, witty, irascible. And I bet that when he reads this, he'll be almighty surprised at that last one.
Despite his confessed status as a NONSMOKER (shudder), one of the most interesting and readable blogging lights out there. Tends to respond to most of the commenters with a comment of his own addressing what they said.
THIS IS A DAILY MUST-READ


Rabbi Joshua Maroof
http://vesomsechel.blogspot.com/
Read him for your dose of Torah insight. And for a shtikl Rambam.


Chardal
http://chardal.blogspot.com/
Sporadic mustard. Does not post frequently. Claims to be a fundamentalist. I have my doubts. He's too broadminded for that. Stubborn, but likeably so. Again, one of the flock of commenters, and like many, more often encountered as comment than as post.


Midianite Manna
http://www.midianitemanna.blogspot.com/
Her self-description says it all: "Former academic low-life, now secular kollel wife and mother, living with a bad Cohen, a perfect baby, and a naughty cat."
Comments on Dovbear. Mentions the baby more than the cat. Once made pumpkin pie with evaporated skim milk half a year past its due date. Not ashamed to admit that.


Lipman's
http://lipmans.blogspot.com/
Fellow pipe smoker. Linguist. Wit. I still haven’t figured out how come he understands Dutch.
Lipman does not post often enough to really be included in a list of bloggers, and seems to actually have a life. Unlike the rest of us. We are jealous of him in a multitude of languages.


The Clochard Times
http://lipmans.blogspot.com/
Foul-mouthed brilliant Fleming - what's not to like?
Self-described as an extremely unpleasant cocaine-addicted whore and scribbler, morally bankrupt and nihilistic. But I think he's merely shy. Writes in Netherlandish in any case, so you'll just have to take it from me that he's good. He's good.


ADDeRabbi: On The Contrary: Judaism with Comments Enabled
http://adderabbi.blogspot.com/
A thoughtful commenter on Torah, Judaism, and life. Sometimes his writing is too in-depth for lunchtime reading, but by the end of the day my mind consists of too many frazzled loose ends to be able to read him. He's a very good writer, and browsing through his stuff over the years has often answered Torah-Talmud questions that had stuck in my mind for a while. When conditions are right I go through several weeks' worth of his posts in a sitting.


Rabbi Pinky / Yeshivas Chipas Emes
http://rabbi-pinky.blogspot.com/
http://www.geocities.com/npoj8/index.html
If you read this, you will either gain a greater understanding of where this blogger is coming from and what has formed him, or you will end up apoplectic and red in the face. It explains much, but doesn't really clarify anything. I think it is hysterical and utterly worth reading. I have a suspicion that some of you may be outraged, however. Not that I'm really concerned about that. If you don't get it, you don't. Meh.


Jeremy Rosen
http://www.jeremyrosen.com/blog/index.html
Writings by an Orthodox Rabbi with a Renaissance mind. Used to host a mailing-list, which sadly is now defunct. Well written, thoughtful, engaging. A rabbi for both the religiously inclined as the completely secular.
His background is borderline Chareidi (in the American understanding of that term), and his Judaism is very much of Orthodox derivation. But in a sense he represents post-Orthodoxism. Judaism for the curious mind. I really, really recommend him.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

ALOHA AND DA KINE

"Spam and pineapple pupus? Brok da mout! Kay den, I'm so there! Pau hana man, to da max."


The glee club has decided to hold a Hawaiian Shirt party next week.

Meaning that everyone is supposed to wear loud tropical shirts while swilling low-alcohol beer. Perhaps to the accompaniment of tinny Hawaiian music from someone's much regretted and lamented ceedee collection. Their secret shame on public display.
I do not wish to know which of my coworkers voluntarily listens to such stuff.

"Princess Pupuli, has plenty papaya, and she likes to give it awaaaaayy......"
[Lyrics here: http://www.huapala.org/Princess_Pupule.html and please imagine the twangy ukulele accompaniment yourself, as I refuse to even check if it is out there.]


Hawaiian Shirt Party? Loud Hawaiian shirts? Surfer images and sun rays and tall palms and huge whomping flower splotches?

Urk!

I'm just a bit uncomfortable dressing as if I am going to Rafi's shul for Saturday service - although I believe he may be the only one with that minhag there, certainly the only one who can carry it off and still look frum. Tropical Pacific Islander frum. Watch out he has a weapon frum. You have the right to remain silent frum.

For the rest of us, there is something very 'single bachelor saying hello ladies!' about Hawaiian shirts. I consequently do not own any Hawaiian shirts.

[I do however own several Indonesian batik shirts, as are sold to tourists - but the best one can say about them is that they make me look like a pregnant Samoan (Savage Kitten has said precisely that, and refuses to be seen in public with me when I wear them). They too are very loud, but cater to a different facet of sleaze than Hawaiian shirts. Something more like buffed Aussie drunkard, less like middle-aged Hugh Heffner clone.]


But shirts aside, what is truly bizarre is the conceptualization of a tropical island beach over a dozen floors up in an office building in San Francisco in mid November.
It is desperate, and it is demented (but not nearly depraved enough).

It is far too cold to pretend. Whenever I step outside to smoke, I put on my overcoat, and it is still too cold (icy wind from Montgomery Street from mid-afternoon onward). Too blasting cold.
A coworker brought in an electric heater for his poor frozen tootsies. Yesterday my fingers ached at the keyboard from the chill.
If y'all willing to start a bonfire with dry coconut fronds in the conference room, sure I'll pretend I'm in the tropics. Otherwise. forget it! And I'm bringing my own rum.


And speaking of island beaches, elsewhere there is an banana glut. Loads of fresh pisang for the taking. How very tropical. See this news blurb:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7085109.stm
"Thousands of bananas have been washed up [CUT] after several containers fell off a cargo ship in a storm [CUT] beaches on Terschelling and Ameland islands were littered with bunches of unripe fruit - to the delight of some local residents."


Sounds wonderful.
Bananariffic even.
Beach. Bananas. Local residents.
Buffed local residents rolling around in bananas on the beach.


Lucky devils. Hope they enjoy skipping around on the banana strewn sands. In their skimpy swimming trunks. Buff bronzed bodies, boards, and sunbleached hair. Smelling like suntan lotion and frangipani.


Note: Climactic and geographic details above are subjective, depending on the individual's own reality and tropical fantasy.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

RED ODESSA: CORNELL & DIEHL'S OLDEST BLEND

But actually, that is a lie; Red Odessa is NOT their oldest blend, not by a very large margin. It simply tastes that way. This is a delightful classic that is sure to disturb the even keel of every pipe hater between here and the Atlantic (either direction, your choice), as it evokes memories long repressed of crotchety old men (or old women) who have sandbagged themselves at the club, and will not yield for any number of little children or repressive vegetarians with a tobacco phobia.

It is, in fact, the perfect tobacco for free-thinkers.


Ever since Sherlock's Haven on Battery Street got sold to the idiot brothers, and the wealth of knowledge and keenly honed discernment known as Marty Pulvers retired, I had despaired of access to good tobacco. Grant's on Market Street, while a pleasant enough place to purchase oddments among the dead leaves, leaves much to be desired. Neither partner seems much interested in what they sell, or discovery of new things.
San Francisco businesses tend to rest triumphantly on the back-end of prior greatness. This is the city of great placidity.



RED ODESSA
By Cornell & Diehl

Somebody talked Craig Tarler into replacing the complement of Burley in his Odessa mixture with red Virginia, hence the name. It showed great flexibility, as Craig is a solid fan of air-cured leaf.
But I'm sure he's glad he listened. This is mighty fine tobacco.

Latakia, Turkish, Virginia, and a touch of Perique.
Preponderance of the first two.


It is both creamy and leathery, and quite delightful with a cup of strong tea. Which, given that I have to smoke outside rather than in the office, is hard to achieve. The guy at the front desk has this nasty habit of wandering off in the evening, nominally to patrol the perimeter and make sure all floors are secure.
He's probably playing video games on the crapper at those times, and I keenly resent him for that.

There are just enough loonies outside in the Financial District to make one keep moving, lest they spot the sedentary blinky object and come closer.
Some of them are beyond any doubt rabid.

Perambulated three blocks, trailing whisps of smoke.
Maybe the best smoke break ever.

I'm having that cup of tea right now.
Going to light up again when I leave.





TOBACCO INDEX


==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

KOSHER PUMPKIN PIE

Pie is a mental state. Pie is a way of life.

One of my correspondents reacted to my previous posting of a pumpkin pie recipe by sending me something entitled "Kosher Pumpkin Pie".

[Previous pumpkin pie recipe here: http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2007/11/take-that-pumpkin-and.html ]


KOSHER PUMPKIN PIE

Two cups pumpkin puree.
One and a half cups milk.
Half a cup heavy whipping cream.
3 eggs.
1 egg yolk.
Half a cup white sugar.
Half a cup packed brown sugar.
One teaspoon salt.
One teaspoon ground cinnamon.
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg.
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger.
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves.

A nine inch pie shell.


Preheat oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit.

Combine eggs, egg yolk, white sugar, and brown sugar. Add salt and spices, stir in milk and cream. Add the pumpkin puree and mix well. Pour filling into the pie shell. Bake for ten minutes in preheated oven. Reduce the heat to 350 degrees Fahrenheit, and bake for 45 minutes more, until the filling is set.


I am at a loss to explain what makes this recipe kosher above all others. Perhaps it is the pie shell...... In which case I would suggest carefully scrutinizing the list of ingredients on the box if that is a concern.

A good Chinatown bakery would use lard in their pie crusts and pastries, because it contributes much flavour and flakiness. This practice is not uncommon, and animal shortening is traditional in pie-crusts. Vegetable shortening does not have quite the luscious effect.
Additionally, the American food industry is not particularly aware of kashrus, and consequently a ready-to-use crust may have some ingredients which are not, strictly speaking, edible.
Some commercial pie-crusts also have a cocktail of chemical additives to prevent spoilage and cracking, besides tasting like industrial packing material.

But you can make your own. It is not difficult.


PIE CRUST
[for a nine-inch pie dish.]

One cup all purpose flour.
One Tbs sugar.
Half a teaspoon salt.
Half a cup (one stick) butter.
Two Tbs oil.
Three to four TBS ice water.

Sift flour, sugar, salt together. Cut in butter, and then mix in oil. It should be crumbly and somewhat sandy between the fingers. Add the water in sprinkles and fold over, spread out, refold. Do not overwork - when the dough sticks together, roll it into a flattish ball, dust with a little extra flour, cover with plastic wrap over the top and around the sides so that no air comes between the ball and the mixing bowl, and refrigerate it for an hour.

To roll the dough out, decant the ball onto a generously flour-dusted surface and work the rolling-pin over in an even circular motion till you have a disc around eleven inches across. Press into a buttered and floured pie dish, trim or fork edges as needed. Refrigerate for another hour at this point.

To prebake the crust for a pumpkin (or other wet-filled) pie, line the chilled pastry with tin foil (or parchment paper), and weigh this down with dried beans. Bake for twenty minutes at 350 degrees. Remove from oven, slide out the foil and beans, and bake for another ten minutes more.

Let it cool completely before pouring in the filling and proceeding with the pumpkin pie. You should probably brush a little water around the exposed edge of the pastry to keep it from darkening or drying out too much while baking.



Note regarding pumpkin puree: Seed a pumpkin, pare off the rind, cut the pumpkin into large chunks, and place on an oiled baking sheet.
Cover with foil and roast at 350°F for one hour or until tender enough to mash.
When mashing, a little butter may be added for flavour - do not overdo it. Keeps for a fortnight in a sealed container in the refrigerator.

THE SCREW YOU AWARDS

This blog, which is experiencing burn-out, is pleased to announce the first-ever Back-of-the-Hill SCREW YOU AWARDS.

The screw you awards will be balanced; I am nothing if not a man of compromise and equitability.


So


THE BAY AREA:

To the Bay Area Jews who think I'm too left-wing for them to stand with me at a pro-Israel demonstration:
SCREW YOU.

To the Bay Area Gentiles who think that being pro-Israel is too right-wing:
SCREW YOU.

To the Bay Area Jews who would rather support the Palestinians:
SCREW YOU.

To the Bay Area Gentiles who are too lazy to study the issues but are nevertheless incredibly opinionated about Israel and Palestine:
SCREW YOU.

To the Bay Area Jews who support Israel but don't want to be seen supporting Israel:
SCREW YOU.

To the Bay Area Gentiles who say they support Israel but disapprove of Israel's behaviour:
SCREW YOU.

To the Bay Area Jews who won't get off their duff to protest, but kvetch about how there isn't enough support for Israel:
SCREW YOU.

To the Bay Area Gentiles who are always hypercritical of Israel, but totally and actively supportive of those dear sweet Palliwallies:
SCREW YOU.

To the Christians in the deep South who constantly criticize the Bay Area as too liberal:
SCREW YOU.
[You may be right. But you're wrong on so many things, so SCREW YOU as a matter of principle. Twice. With something sharp and rusty. Okay?]


THE DUTCH AND THE EUROPEANS:

To the Dutch who keep insisting that Americans, Jews, and Israelis are all brutes and barbarians:
SCREW YOU.

To the Europeans who keep harping on the flaws of the United States, real or imagined (mostly imagined):
SCREW YOU.

To the Europeans who cuddle up to every brutal third world regime that is anti-American:
SCREW YOU.

To the Europeans who will endlessly howl about the US and Israel, but never even mention Tibet, Chechnya, Sudan, or Cuba:
SCREW YOU.

To the European governments who collaborate thoroughly with the US on so many issues, but encourage their people to hate the US because, after all, we're a bunch of barbarians:
SCREW YOU.

To the self-satisfied priggish European press, which is so biased and partial that they would only be suited for fish wrap - if the Europeans actually knew how to cook fish:
SCREW YOU.



ISRAEL AND WHATEVER THAT OTHER AREA IS CALLED:

To the Palestinians:
SCREW YOU.

To the other Arabs:
SCREW YOU.

To the Iranians, and, what the heck, the entire Muslim world:
SCREW YOU.

To Shimon Peres:
SCREW YOU.

To Jimmy Carter:
SCREW YOU.

To Condoleeza Rice, who is pressuring Olmert to make impossible concessions:
SCREW YOU.

To Ehud Olmert, who wants to give away the farm:
SCREW YOU.

To Abbas, whose only loyal constituency appears to be Kadima:
SCREW YOU.

To the peaceniks in Israel who support Abbas:
SCREW YOU.

To the European socialists who support the peaceniks:
SCREW YOU.

To the misguided idiots on the left in the US who think the European socialists are wonderful:
SCREW YOU.



THE AMERICANS:

To the Republicans who keep supporting the dumbest president since Bush:
SCREW YOU.

To the Democrats who support Hillary:
SCREW YOU.

To the Democratic congress-people who voted for war:
SCREW YOU.

To the Democratic congress-people who now claim that they were tricked into voting for war:
SCREW YOU.

To the congress-people on both sides who allowed the Bush administration to gut our freedoms:
SCREW YOU.

To the redneck slope-browed inbred hicks who encouraged the Bush administration to gut our freedoms:
SCREW YOU.

To the Democratic Party leaders who sat around with a digit up their rear while our freedoms were gutted:
SCREW YOU.

To the panicky middle-class Americans who approved of the gutting of our freedoms because they were scared of "them":
SCREW YOU.

To Jimmy Carter:
SCREW YOU AGAIN.
I HOPE THAT RABBIT COMES BACK AND GETS YOU.
[You're a nasty little man, and remarkably uneducated. Plus you smell of peanuts. Ick.]



More awards as they come to me. Feel free to add your own candidates to the list. There is plenty of fed-uppedness to go around.


I will not be counter-demonstrating the Bay Area Women in Black this weekend, and I do not know whether I will be doing it the following week either. I need a break. Specifically, I need to wake up late on Saturday for the first time in over half a year, putz around the house in my bathrobe with a pipe in my mouth, and just kick back without having to deal with anyone. Punkt.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

TAKE THAT PUMPKIN AND....

Pie.

It's a beautiful word. Just say it several times. Doesn't it just roll off the tongue?
It's fun to say words like pie. Like Cheezwhiz. Chocklit. Laatyeung (hot-sauce). Cake. Pie. Gafiltefeesh. Chocolate frosted sugar bombs. Pie. Gehocktuhlayber. Tasty-cake. Crispiyumyums. Goo. Pie.

These words sound best if followed by an exclamation mark - it's the equivalent of a happy-face.


Pumpkin Pie

[Canned pumpkin often is butternut squash, which is sweeter than regular pumpkin. Carving pumpkins are not very good cooking pumpkins. Cooking pumpkins are usually called 'sugar pumpkins'.]


Two cups mashed cooked pumpkin.
One and a half cup half and half.
Two eggs.
Two yolks.
One cup brown sugar.
1 teaspoon cinnamon.
1/2 teaspoon ginger.
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg.
1/4 teaspoon cloves.
1/2 teaspoon salt.


9-inch pie crust (store-boughten or make your own).


Gently beat all ingredients together and pour into pie crust.
Bake at 425 for about fifty minutes. Let it cool down for at least an hour before eating.


Note: To prepare pumpkin for mashing, cut the flesh into chunks and boil in lightly salted water till soft. Or place the chunks on a cookie sheet and bake for about thirty to forty minutes at 350 to 375 degrees. Slightly dehydrated and caramelized is good, browned and crusty is bad - keep an eye on them. They can also be softened by heating in covered Pyrex in the microwave on high.


Bong appety, y'all.

Monday, November 05, 2007

CHUSHIM BEN DAN

[Note: this entire post is the result of strong coffee and a two-bagger of tea. I'm totally zipped to the eyebrows. Yay! ]


RESPONDING TO COMMENTS

In a comment on a previous post, Graham writes:

"Why the obsession with Dovbear? I do not snuffle behind the hill to ascertain what Dovbear is doing or thinking. Eff all these links to Dovbear!!!
I do not care what Dovbear says or suggests. Who's he in this Goy's army? F*ck all truly!
Tho I cannot claim affinity 2much with the baccy ridden gourmet behind the hill - his is what I chose to read. Forget Dovbear. Boo boo the dovy!!
Are US Jewish blogs only to be measured agin Dovbear?
Let's Roll Blogmeester! Put yer clogs on & givit welly!"


Well shoot. It's eloquent. He's kinda put his finger on my opportunistic habit of mining other people's blogs for my own posts, especially when I'm a little dry. As well as my habit of using my own blog to sound off on what other people have said elsewhere, thus hoping to sneakily lure those readers onto the back of the hill. Exploiting the Dovvosphere for that purpose is as good a starting point as any.

I could also use other blogs, like the XGH (who seems to have spiraled into orthoangst), or the Goblin King (too busy with his studies to be over-enthusiastic about blogging, but when he does post it is often stimulating and chiddushy - go ahead and visit him), or even Jameel at the Muqata (whom you probably read already on a daily basis). How about Treppenwitz, who despite his non-smoking penchant is intelligent, likeable, and witty?


Or I could go ahead and comment-mine from my own blog. Why not?
I have interesting readers, if not necessarily interesting posts.


CHUSHIM BEN DAN

Chaim G. writes:

"Mein Tayere Shaigatz.

Thank you. You are one stand up guy. Did you see where I called you "Khushim ben Dan"? Did you khop the reference?"



Yes, Chaim, I did see that. Chushim ben Dan was not directly involved in the disputation and was able to be objective. I'm taking it to mean that as someone positioned somewhat off to the side, I may have a clearer perspective sometimes, and can cut directly to the chase, cut the Gordian know, cut the shaigetz's kop. Rather than a knowing reference to my slight hearing defect. And of course I will deliberately obliquify the connotation of a spiritual lack or lacuna.

[I am nothing if not self-flattering. Heh heh heh. ]


But taking that as a jump-off point, Chushim the son of Dan was indirectly responsible for the rise of Amalek, a descendant of Eisav. We can see this from two angles. The most straightforward to the modern mind is that impulsive action will have unfortunate repercussions, violence may beget more violence, a straightforward solution to a problem can be a double edged sword.
The other angle, which is actually more in keeping with your thinking, Chaim, is that blending in, not being apart from the nations, can have unfortunate consequences. After all, Amalek represents a blood-line that became one with the surrounding non-Abrahamic population, a line that did not go down to Egypt, a descent-group that did not remain separate. It is those Jews who veer too much into Gentile society who eventually become less Jewish, even non-Jewish, and even dangerous and destructive to Jewishness. The list of anti-Jews of Jewish descent is nearly endless. And a corollary to them are the ideologies of Jewish derivation that have gone in different directions, and have also proven dangerous and destructive to Jewishness.

[Marxism is as good an example as any, both because it is an extreme example, and because I doubt I will be offending anyone by that comparison. Whereas there may be a few Christians who read this blog..... Marxism is as much an offshoot from a Judaic root as Christianity, and also as little. A defective branch, a mutated growth.]


Shishim panim le Torah. There is great scope for disagreement and differing interpretations. But there should be a degree of unity. One need not even veer into criticism of the offshoots at the beginning of the common era to see an ongoing pattern of dangerous manifestations. Just mentioning Neturei Karta on the one hand, Jewish Voice for Peace on the other, is enough. The desire to disagree has trumped the desire for unity. The sitra achra is also within.

No man is an island. It is by measuring ourselves against our companions, and by using them as sounding boards, that we maintain our own sanity. A havdala sensitivity must necessarily understand that differentiation cannot be towards the extremes. Individuation is not a matter of disagreement.



A HORNED SNAKE?

Another factor has to be mentioned pursuant Chushim ben Dan - argumentativeness and a concern with justice. As it says in psook 49:16 "Dan yadin amo keachad shivtei Yisrael" (Dan shall judge his people, (as) one the tribes of Israel).

Dan shall judge - precisely what the name of the shevet indicates. But what Yakov says next illustrates how disturbing justice can be.

Psook 49:17 "Yehi-Dan nachash alei-derech shefifon alei-orach hanoshech ikvei-sus vayipol rochvo achor" (Dan shall be a serpent in the way, a horned snake in the path, that bites the horse's heels, so that his rider falls backward).

Fair judgment is not necessarily a kind process. Impartiality is brutal, and often impedimental.


How oddly appropriate, from a symbolic point of view, that Dan's one son, Chushim (from whom the tribe of Dan will descend), is deaf, in the same vein as Justice being blind.

[Though in midrash it says blind, instead of deaf, and elsewhere muteness is also mentioned, as well as youth.]

How likewise significant that later we read that the tribe of Dan, though at this point the smallest, becomes one of the largest (see parshas Pinchas in Bamidbar).
A concern with justice evidently thrived.

APPARENTLY I'M A SCREAMING LIBERAL

I have been informed that reacting badly to two Republican yutzes who made our counterdemo seem like a 'pro-Iraq war yay Bush rah rah boomdee yay fest' will frighten away the poor gentle love-filled Republicans who otherwise would flock to our standard like happy little moths to a bright attractive light, and that we are becoming extremist lefties who scare people.

We are now repellent to dear little children, Republicans, small puppies, Republicans, girl scouts, Republicans, elderly women, and Republicans. We are like an overly perfumed pipe-tobacco, in other words.


Let me explain that a little.


On Saturday the twenty-seventh of October, about sixty or seventy people counter-demonstrated International Answer's alleged peace rally.

We, the San Francisco Branch of the vast intergalactic Zionist conspiracy, were there with signs and flyers making it clear that we objected to International Answer's anti-Israel and anti-Semitic agenda. We also made it clear that as a group we had no position on the Iraq war and were not demonstrating against the peace movement or the idea of peace, but were there only and entirely to protest against International Answer. One single and very simple issue.

This proved too complicated for the teevee reporters, who instead chose to feature sound-bytes from two simple very pro-war people who may have been Republicans.

The televised shots of the counter-demonstration showed tons of Israeli flags, but did not explain why there were any Israeli flags there. The talking neanderthals in front of that backdrop instead spoke lovingly of Bush and the Iraq war. Which effectively made it seem that all of us were there as pro-war slope brows.

I really do not like when our message is hijacked by Republicans. If the Democrats or the greens had tried it, I would be just as angry. But it was Republicans who did it. They were not there as supporters of Israel objecting to International Answer's anti-Semitism, they were not there in support of Israel - they were there purely to cheer for the war.


Because of that, I suggested to the group that we should in future avoid Republicans like the plague - the ones who show up to counter-demo tend to be mush-mouthed morons and no-neck inbreds. And I was being very charitable and full of sheer buckets of love when I said that.

But saying that apparently makes me a dangerous radical lefty - because I do not look with a kindly eye on Republicans going off message when they join us.
I have been informed that there are tons and tons of Republicans in the Bay Area who would join us and protest for Israel if only we didn't chase them away with our Marxist rhetoric and hate.


Sorry, no.


There aren't tons of timid pro-Israel Republican butterflies out there, sister.

This is the Bay Area. Eighty percent plus of the population votes for the Democrats. Being pro-Israel in the Bay Area is already considered ultra-rightwing by some people in any case. We have an uphill battle against popular perception. If those timid Republicans are frightened by our not taking a stand on the war, they are frightened of everything. They are frightened of bright lights, cheese that doesn't come in slices, and their own quivering shadows.
They probably check under their beds for democrats before they go to sleep at night.


Boo, gentle Republican butterflies, boo!


And we aren't radical lefties either. I already bend over backward to keep from scaring away rational potential supporters with my extremist pro-settlement sentiments. I have not once said that if the Arabs cannot stop firing rockets the response should be devastating and final. I have never even mentioned to querulous strangers that I consider the European left, with their wussy pandering to every anti-American and anti-Israeli cause in the world, the greatest possible danger to civilization. I have studiously avoided expressing points of view which could be misinterpreted as extremist far-right Zionist here in the rather liberal Bay Area.

Because I love lucid and sane supporters of Israel, I'm already doing my bit not to frighten the mainstream. So the very least the hypothetically pro-Israel Republicans who might stand with us can do is not piss all over that.


Do NOT hijack the message.


At this point, I'm perfectly willing to mace the next person who brings a pro-war or pro-Bush sign to a counterdemo which is ONLY supposed to be pro-Israel.

If that makes me a screaming liberal, so be it.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

I HATE DEMOCRACY

Dovbear has given me the perfect subject for today's text.

In a posting entitled: 'Should I ban Chaim G.', Dov writes "Has the bray worn out his welcome? Please vote here."

[Dovbear's blog here: http://dovbear.blogspot.com/ relevant post here: http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2007/11/should-i-ban-chaim-g.html and comment-thread here: http://www.haloscan.com/comments/dovbear/1156305258160200369/ ]


It was posted only a few hours ago, and already there are over thirty "votes".


Ge, as they say, valt!


Some commenters think Chaim G. (operating usually as 'The Bray of Fundie') to be a troll, others disagree with him and find him not nearly liberal enough or enlightened enough. Others merely find him irritating.

I can't see what they're objecting to. Yes, he has opinions about Talmud-Torah and halacha ve hashkafa that I don't agree with. Yes, he comments a lot. And yes, he sometimes sees a havdalah twixt Jewim and Goyim that might be considered far-fetched (though more often than not solidly founded in Halacha). But heck, he's eloquent, involved in the material, and comments often. These are characteristics that are desirable. Especially in visitors.

And irritating?

Errrrm, no offense to anyone, dudes, but that's hardly a reason to ban him. Y'all also thought Mis-naged and XGH irritating as all heck (and many of you still do), some of you feel that Mar Gavriel and the rest of the diqduqgeeks are irritating (even though most of them no longer have time to post much, being hip-deep in mesechtes this-and-that because of their studies), and a few of you got so steamed by Yeshiva Chipas Emes (Rabbi Pinky in New York, the RABAM in beautiful downtown San Francisco) that you screamed, shouted, foamed at the mouth, and had fits. And, very irritatingly, just wouldn't shut up (which was also extremely gratifying, by the way - Rav Pinky Shlita soll sein gazunt and I are still giggling over some of the mean-spirited things you wrote).

Dovbear himself seems to irritate the spit out of everyone at least once. Some people regularly. And y'all are still reading him, aren't you?


So, if Dov's readers convince him to ban Chaim G., I will extend contributor privileges on my blog.

Even though this blog seems to be an unholy mix of Zionism, pipe smoking, treifish cooking, and only sporadic veerings into yiddishkeit (along with apoplexy at things in Dutch newspapers), he'll fit right in. And if Chaim G. wants to occasionally veer off the derech and into treif-cooking, pipe-tobacco, and the liquor chest, so much the better. I encourage that.

-------------------------------------

Unwitting fellow contributors to this post were:
Qwerty, YadVShem, Albert Einstien, HirshelTzig, Charlie Hall, The Bray of Fundie, Abe, Anonymous, CousinOliver, Gabagoo, happydadofseven, Lawyer-Wearing-Yarmulke (mazel tov, dude!), Barak, Dovbear, Alice, Mar Gavriel, Nephtuli, Ayin, and Chaim (not G.) R.
Thanks guys. More than enough for a minyan.

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GRITS AND TOFU

Like most Americans, I have a list of people who should be peacefully retired from public service and thereafter kept away from their desks,...