WHAT IS THE WEATHER LIKE ON PLANET KUNG FU?

Sometimes admitting that I am able to comprehend conversational Cantonese and even halfassedly make myself clear in that language has interesting and unexpected results. Several people have suggested that there is something sexual or romantic about it -- okay, being able to talk in any language IS very sexy and INCREDIBLY romatic, I'll admit, and that is a characteristic I would absolutely require in a date, pretty much ahead of anything else -- and they've even hazarded that I am either married to, or seeing, a female of Chinese ancestral derivation.

Others want to know if it really is true that Chinese people sneer about us behind our backs, saying all kinds of mean things, and plotting to take over the United States.

And recently, one person started talking about martial arts.
He would not shut up about it for nearly an hour.
I'm a very patient man, almost a saint.
Kung Fu bores me to tears.


HOT, HOT, HOT WOMEN, A JUSTIFIED FEAR OF PEOPLE SPEAKING A FOREIGN TONGUE, AND THE NOBLE ART OF SELF-DEFENSE

Okay, in the interests of full honesty, yes, I was in a relationship with a Chinese American woman for a long time. We aren't each other's Significant Other anymore, but she is still a very good friend, and one of two people whom I would call to arrange bail. The other one is also a woman, and the main reason why she's not first on the list is that she in all likelihood would probably also need to be bailed out.
Her and her girl-scout sense of mayhem.
Or is it anarchism?
Rabbits.

But no, I am not seeing a female of Chinese ancestral derivation.
Unless you mean the fellow passengers on the bus.
Who are just there by accident.


For the several individuals who evinced a racialist and linguistic worry about 'those people', the answer is affirmative. The Chinese do actually say all kinds of mean things in a language that you can't understand, while plotting to install a Masonic puppet government, and welcome the space aliens. They're particularly talking about you. And remarking how ugly and smelly you are in their eyes. Some of them are able to read your mind too, but fortunately you can prevent that by wearing a stylish tinfoil chapeau; it blocks the brainwave transmission.

Tin foil hats are cheap, and easy to make yourself. I advocate the ever-popular cone shape. For a normal tin foil topper, it is best to use at least three layers, as telepaths can easily penetrate the first layer. If you want to make a cone shape, which has the additional benefit of advertising your superior intelligence and suitability for unnatural selection, use six layers, and construct an internal shell out of thin cardboard.


As for Kung Fu, no, I do not practise it. I know nothing about it. Silly white guys making stupendous kicks, leaps, and twirls, and slamming their hands through several layers of concrete blocks, are neither an interest of mine, nor something I would ever care to witness.
Bruce Lee and Jet Li are not significant in my pantheon.

I really don't give a flying hoot about Kung Fu. No desire to learn it.
Please stop talking about it, you incredibly dull person.

Go home and pet your damned cat. Pathetic loser.

And a stupendous 'ni hao, sha gua' to you.


你好傻瓜。



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