Tuesday, April 01, 2014

A VERY GOOD HOST!

The cookie supply is replenished! Pecan shortbread.
Ladies, you are welcome.

Don't make me eat them all by myself.


This blogger has a fond, though probably insane, fantasy that all the finest young women LOVE cookies. As if they were influenced by the Cookie Monster when they were still small. Other women may adore Hello Kitty, or deliquesce over handbags and Jimmy Choo, but women of taste and discernment -- intelligent and complete individuals -- will have none of that mundane Barbie Doll sh*t. It is shallow, dull, and vulgar. Valueless.
Instead of tacky merchandise, they want cookies.
Clearly, passionately, and sincerely.
It is the mark of brilliance.
And infinite charm.


And I am, in this imaginary world, the great cookie hunter.


I think more than anything else it probably reflects my own appreciation for cookies. We never bought them when I was growing up, despite living in the Netherlands (where the word 'cookie' comes from), because my mother was convinced that there was no conceivable value in them.
In her own way she was a food Nazi.

Bell peppers, carrots, celery, lettuce. Tomatoes, boiled string beans, potatoes. Olives and gherkins. Peas. Occasionally cucumber and mushrooms, despite their nutritive deficiencies.

Cheese, tinned tomato paste, and spaghetti.

Meat, eggs, chicken. Canned tuna.

Some things for sandwiches.

Condimental scarcity.

Coffee and tea.

Cocoa.

No fresh fish, because the only fishmonger in town was a barbarian, and no other vegetables, because her upbringing had scarred her on that score. White folks cooking from the thirties and forties, feh and ick poo.
Protestantism on a plate.


Occasionally, food from Restaurant Peking at the other side of the market square from our house. It was, arguably, Chinese. Sort of.

No carbonated drinks of any kind, just fruit juice (orange), because of the vitamins. No crispy crunchy snax, no salty peanuts, no heathen pastries.

Once a week a dutch Appeltaart (twixt an apple pie and an apple tart), because that baker was a solid man.

My father and I kept a supply of tasty things in the cellar, down whose dangerously steep and narrow steps she would not venture because of her lumbago. Diverse hotsauces. Soy sauce, both sweet (ketjap manis) and regular. Obscure degenerate pickles and condiments. Tins of sardines. Preserves. Polished rice. The liquor cabinet.
Spices and dried ingredients.
No cookies, however.

It wasn't till I came back to the States that I encountered cookies. "What are these strange things", I must have asked to myself, "and how can I get more of them?" Strong-arm robbing a girl scout, though obvious, was not recommended. Apparently they were also sold in stores.
It was a happy discovery.

I haven't been cookieless more than a day or two since.
Cookies are the greatly comforting snack food.
And I have them! Guests can be fed!
There are also fixings for tea.
As well as a throw rug.
Luxury's lap.



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7 comments:

Girl said...

I am a young lady, and I do like cookies, but I was wondering if I could ask you about something else. I'm 14 years old, and I've been dating an awesome, hot guy who's 25. I'm really horny around him, but he says that he'll have sex with me only if I start smoking, because he has a smoking fetish. He says that if I smoke before every time we have sex, he'll get super-aroused, and have awesome sex with me. I'm so excited. But should I smoke cigarettes, cigars, or pipes? Or should I smoke all three? What are the advantages in terms of flavor, ease of operation, health, overall smoking experience, and other things? I'm so excited; so many options to try from. I know you write a lot about tobacco on your blog; maybe you could help me?

The back of the hill said...

Miss, you are fourteen! You should NOT be thinking of sex yet, OR with a guy who's twenty five.

The age difference means FAR less if both of you are adults. At your age, we're talking potential disaster for you, well-earned jail-time for him.

"he says that he'll have sex with me only if I start smoking, because he has a smoking fetish"

Stay away from fetishists.

"and have awesome sex"

Sex is awesome, period. But if all there is to it is that fetish (smoking, or adolescents, which one?), the awesomeness will be so one-sided as to leave you nauseous.

Entirely aside from which, you're not allowed to purchase tobacco till you're eighteen. People will flip if you do. They'll advise you to eat wheatgerm and tofu instead, and save the planet.

"But should I smoke cigarettes, cigars, or pipes?"

Never smoke cigarettes; they're evil.
Cigars are often a sign of underlying depravity.
Pipes are civilized.

"Or should I smoke all three?"

No.

"What are the advantages in terms of flavor, ease of operation, health, overall smoking experience, and other things?"

Pipes provide a broader spectrum of flavours and senses than either of the other two, and are far less addictive. Plus, more than cigars, pipe smoking inculcates calmness, depth, and perspective.

"I'm so excited; so many options to try from."

None of which should be sexual experimentation with a twenty five year old smoking fetishist.
It just isn't wise.

And the sex would probably be lousy, humiliating, and seedy.

Stay away from strange men.

Strange boys are bad enough.

The back of the hill said...

In short:

1) Stay away from men who want to have sex with teenagers.

2) Avoid cigarettes.

3) "Borrow" a pipe from a male relative if you absolutely must.
In which case, you might find the unflavoured pipe tobaccos more satisfying than the aromatics.

4) Seriously consider informing authorities or school councilors about twenty five year old men.
I'm in my fifties, and I don't trust them either.

The back of the hill said...

All of the above given in the spirit of avuncular advice, despite my very strong suspicion that the original commenter may actually be someone (quite likely someone I know) having me on.

I can't resist advising people to smoke a pipe.
I was fourteen when I started doing so.
I have never regretted it.

Anonymous mom person said...

Staying away from strange boys is also a good idea.

Reverend Ronald Simms said...

" I can't resist advising people to smoke a pipe.
I was fourteen when I started doing so.
I have never regretted it. "

You, sir, OBVIOUSLY remained a virgin.

Pipes cannot possibly be a substitute for sex.

For boys, motorbikes perhaps.
For girls, horseback riding.



Anonymous said...

This entire comment string is filled with depravity!



I like it.

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