At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

ZOMBIES!

Might as well face it, the Zombies are going to win. They have help.

This morning over coffee Savage Kitten and I got into a heated discussion about Zombies. Not an argument - the heat was caused by the fact that when she wakes up she's full of piss and vinegar, whereas when I wake up I am slow and lethargic like a normal person. Her mind is going ninety, mine is ambling along at thirty.
Conversationally, at that hour, I am the old geezer driving a nineteen sixties station wagon in the fast lane that she so desperately wants to pass. Old fart, move!

I brought up the scientific article that Tzipporah linked in a comment underneath the post about Shank Dog standing at a window with an assault rifle, facing the offices across the street.
My speculation was that he was going to deal with that nest of investment bankers over there, Tzipporah seems convinced that Shank Dog was just preparing for the Zombie Invasion.


REASONS A ZOMBIE OUTBREAK WOULD FAIL

Savage Kitten rejected the article's conclusions, based on "valid" reasons that I cannot remember (I may have mentioned that my brain was slow and lethargic), which she argued with verve and passion.

Whatever I said was ineffective, I clearly didn't understand the situation.

My input at that point may have been to wail sleepily "but but but, they're Zombies!"
It seemed reasonable enough to me - Zombies, being walking protein and rather stupid, would be eaten by wild dogs and IRS agents LONG before there were enough of them to swing the balance. Besides, legally the undead have no rights - they wouldn't be allowed on the bus, nobody would hire them, they'd stumble into traffic.......
I may not have remembered enough of the article Tzipporah had linked to make much sense.
Savage Kitten insisted that by the time society noticed the Zombies it would be far too late. They would have multiplied so rapidly that there would be no hope.
2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64 ..... . Or even 5, 25, 125, 625, 3125 ........

Just in case, she happily started strategizing on their behalf. Zombies may not move very fast, therefore they would have to employ guile and tactics. Heck, no problem. They just need a leader.

How a woman who cannot find any redeeming qualities in a human-size cockroach can support America's undead is beyond me. Zombies just aren't worthwhile members of society.
She, on the other hand, values their potential input and will passionately defend their dignity.

Sensing I was losing the battle, I fled to the bathroom with my books and coffee.

While I was ensconced therein, she periodically padded up to the closed door to renew the assault.

"They'd probably eat solitary people when there were no witnesses first."

'You mean like elderly apartment dwellers?'

"No, more like drunks in the middle of the night."

'Oh come on, even drunks are hard to catch.'

"Not you - there you'd be, stumbling home from the bar at three in the morning, moving slowly because of your gouty foot......"

'I do NOT stumble!'

"Hah, I've heard you!"

'That must've been somebody else.'

"You ain't fooling the Zombies......."


It just seems so unfair. Not only is she backing the Zombies, but she's accusing me of being a tippler.
I hardly EVER drink to excess, I am the very epitome of probity!

Sane and reasonable behaviour are my middle names, sobriety is my one character flaw.

Zombies are just wrong!

Tonight some of us are going out drinking with Shank Dog. We'll probably have several cocktails, and it will be a happy party - we really appreciate his company. He's the only thing that stands between us and Zombies.
Or investment bankers.
I can't imagine anything worse than being eaten by investment bankers.


==========================================================================
NOTE: If you wish, you may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

Labels: , , ,

5 Comments:

  • At 10:30 AM, Blogger Tzipporah said…

    I must apologize for being the instigator of strife betwixt you and the kitten. That's just not right.

    But the real question is, if they go after the drunks, will they produce drunken zombies? And will these new zombies really want "Braaaaiiinssss" or just a bottle of Scotch? Because then we'd know to start the zombie-hunting in the bars, rather than the investment banking firms.

    It's a reasonable question.

     
  • At 10:46 AM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    I doubt that the living dead could metabolize alcohol efficiently. Given that many of their body functions would have shut down due to them being, technically, deceased, alcohol would probably go straight through to the intestines and kill the complex flora and fauna needed to digest complex proteins such as brain matter, necks, shoulders, arms, guts, or goo.

    It is quite possible that serious intoxication would protect you against them. In any case it's worth testing as an anti-zombie tactic.
    I think you would have to be literally stinking drunk - their noses wouldn't work as well either, so the reek would have to be very obvious.

     
  • At 11:23 AM, Blogger e-kvetcher said…

    >I can't imagine anything worse than being eaten by investment bankers.

    How about being eaten by asshole New York traders? I'd take investment bankers over those guys any day.

    Sorry, just had a meeting with those guys and my ears are still ringing...

     
  • At 11:31 AM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    Tayere e-kvetcher, they belong to the same biological subfamily. There are four genera which are particularly vicious: Pristobrycon, Pygocentrus, Pygopristis and Serrasalmus.

    As both predators and scavengers, investment bankers and New York traders are important ecological components of their native environments, although largely restricted to lowland drainages, sewers, and cesspools.

     
  • At 10:09 AM, Anonymous sapiently amphibious said…

    Eat garlic as protection against vampires, drink whiskey as prophylaxis against zombies. Just avoid investment bankers.

     

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

 
Newer›  ‹Older