Thursday, February 05, 2009

HOW TO BEAT YOUR WIFE

At times, the attitudes of other subcultures can be quite illuminating. Especially when a certain attention to details which we would blithely overlook becomes evident.
Hence this post.


INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE USE AND MAINTENANCE OF YOUR WIFE
Notes from a lecture by Sheikh Galal El Khatib

One of the husbands rights is to chastise his wife if she is disobedient.
What does this word "disobedient" mean?
Disobedience is to leave the house without the husband's permission, to refuse to obey the husband in bed, to speak to the husband rudely, or to do the opposite of what he wants - all these are forms of disobedience.

Shariah has instituted several means of disciplining a disobedient wife. These measures must be followed in order, you cannot rush to the third measure before despairing of the second, and you cannot go to the second before despairing of the first. The correct order must be followed.

The first measure for chastising a disobedient wife is to admonish her - the husband should talk to her softly, reminding her of God, and that if she wants to enter paradise, she must obey. He must tell her that by making her husband happy, she pleases God, and that his rights outweigh those of her parents.

Well then, if admonishment doesn’t work, the next step is banishment. Some aver that the wife should be banished from his couch, while others opine that he should abstain from connubulatus with her - but I do not agree with the latter view, because connubulatus is a right of the husband - how can he punish her by depriving himself of connubulatus? It is enough if he does not smile or say nice things to her, instead giving her the cold shoulder. But he has the right to have connubulatus with her even during banishment.

Okay then, he's tried admonishment, he's tried banishment. But nothing works.
Her emotions are dull, and she says "meh". So what is the next thing?
"And beat them..." - beating. The Prophet Muhammad peebuh said that the beatings should be light, and that one should avoid the face, or the tender areas, which might lead to broken bones, or might leave a mark that would spoil her beauty, on her face or anywhere on her body. Beatings that draw blood or break bones, or leave a scar or a bruise, or any obvious mark, which would let people know that she was badly beaten - this is forbidden.

How then should one beat? Maybe a light slap on the shoulder, maybe a firm pinch, or a gentle shove. He should make her believe that he wants to reform her, and let her know that he is quite unsatisfied with her. It is like telling her "methods that work with sensible people do not work with you, a mere word would be enough for a wife of lofty morals, but with you, words are useless!"

Then he tries a new tactic, appealing to her femininity and emotions, by making her think that he doesn't want or love her. And if this doesn't work, he says to her "with you I have reached a point which is only suitable for subhumans, the stage of beating".

Beating is one of the punishments of shariah.
What manner of people are beaten?
The virgin adulterous, both male and female, are beaten to discipline them. And who else is beaten? A person who offended, and was sentenced by a judge to a beating. And who else is beaten? A person who committed a crime.
By beating his wife, the husband says "you have done an evil deed, and that deserves a whupping!"


-----------------------------

Source: MEMRI, more or less.

[See LiveLeak: http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=202_1233657536 ]

A slight rephrasement, to make it read smoother, was applied to the text, but the letter and spirit of the beating have been faithfully maintained.

There are other instructive lectures on the same wholesome subject available at the source listed above: Wife beating as therapy, Sermon on the wondrous nature of wife beating, Wife beating in Islam, Culture of wife beating under Islamic law, How to properly beat your wife, and many more.

All of these lectures make clear that Muslims, even stern and old-fashioned believers, are significantly better than trailerparkers, who leave scars, often break bones, and bruise the faces of their wives, throw away the poor woman's make-up and hair dye, and even smash her whiskey bottle besides.
This blog cannot possibly endorse such things.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

At last!

These are practical instructions for living with Arabs! It is what we've been waiting for!

Oh wait - you mean I'd have to marry a Muslim woman to do this?

Sheeyit, never mind!


---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

And their camles!

Meh, I say, meh!

My emotions are numb. Time for a beating party. With cream pies. Oh indeed.


---Grambanty Prutupatti

Anonymous said...

So, no cattle prods then , eh?

R

Telmac said...

This is unfair!

I HAVE to marry a muslim woman to do this!

well I guess that I could marry her, and then beat her, until she converts.

J. "יהוא בן יהושפט בן נמשי" Izrael said...

-What to do when the washmashine breaks? - kick her in the a**

-What to do when the dishwasher breaks? - kick her in the a**

-What to do when the dryer breaks? - kick her in the a**

(You don't have to be muslim to know the instructions!)

Anonymous said...

Yeah, but the crucial flaw in all of this is that you would have to marry a MULSIM woman. And I do not wish that on anyone!

No pork - ever! Aaaaughhh!!!!


---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

Oh wait......


---Grant Patel

DEATH BY NOODLES said...

As a dedicated and fanatical pork-eatress, I shall not need to worry about "a light slap on the shoulder, maybe a firm pinch, or a gentle shove".

Try that, and I kick you in the goolies. Because at that point I shall conclude that 'methods that work with sensible people do not work with you, a mere word would be enough for a person with half a brain, but with you, words are useless - I have reached the point which is only suitable for subhumans, the stage of kicking fiercely in the family jewels'.

Trailerparkers may stay well away also - it's an option, though highly recommended.
In fact, I insist.

Anonymous said...

If I had a wife, I would distract her attention with a shiny object, then sneak an ace from under the table (or a scrabble tile from out of the bag, if we were playing scrabble).

GRANT!PATEL! said...

These instructions are quite the most zesty thing you have posted.
Beating parties, oh yes!

I shall not speculate upon your private life, though I wish you would provide more details.

I would love to specualte about Snooky's private life, however. Much about it fascinates me no end.

The amphibian's private life is entirely Osaka-san (or proximation of) free, and thus, no doubt, rather dull.

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