At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Friday, May 16, 2008

SMELLING LIKE A PERVERT

Pursuant a tobacco mixture I mentioned, about which I said I did not buy it because of it's fruity aroma, friend and regular reader Spiros comments:


"I can't think of any better reason for getting beaten up than for smelling like a pervert."


Hmmmmmm. Pipe tobacco for degenerates...... the concept has a certain charm.
There are already plenty of blends for deviants on the market. But such depravity is not universally appealing, as some pipe-smokers pen clearly - in researching the matter I have been able to cherry pick some juicy quotes.
[I have arranged the quotes more or less as I found them, with almost no editing. I am not giving attribution - this is shameless cut-and-pasting for my own (and, I hope, your) amusement.]


QUOTES:

I'm not sure there's any tobacco in it - a bloated, overwhelming taste of caramel, chocolate and vanilla.

It's really dreadful. It tastes awful, it won't burn, it bites, and it goops up a pipe like tar (this tobacco is blended by a company known for numerous dismal aromatics).

Burns and stings horribly. Tastes like Robitussin.

It smells in the pouch like the tobacco has been dipped in soda cherry syrup.

This one tends to burn hot, bite, and tastes like a seat on a cross-town bus.

The classy tin and sizable fan base may fool the uninitiated and the Eurotrash, but to any lover of pure tobacco this blend must be considered country bumpkin in a can.

The aroma is cloyingly sweet and sickeningly artificial. The aftertaste in my mouth was both oily and soapy, reminiscent to canned black olives.


It is very sticky and vaguely nauseating.


The final statement speaks for everyone who with quivering anticipation has purchased a likely looking tin, only to discover that the product itself reeks worse than a French cat-house:

I will never purchase this blend again. Once was enough. I personally enjoy pipe tobacco that tastes like tobacco.


Most of these critiques were about blends flavoured several different ways: cherry - mango - chocolate - strawberry - caramel - coffee - hazelnut - vanilla - peach - eau de dead skunk. All mixed together for a broad-based froot-candy funk. Truly horrid stuff.

Why anyone would want a tobacco that smells like a juvenile hooker on east fourteenth street is beyond me, unless they wish to chase the roaches out of their tenement, along with relatives who have overstayed their welcome.

They could just burn the place down. It would be more civilized.




TOBACCO INDEX


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5 Comments:

  • At 5:07 AM, Blogger treppenwitz said…

    I have a question you've probably never fielded before:

    I am looking for a good, aromatic, pipe tobacco. I don't want to smoke it, mind you. I simply want something that I can store in my home library for the sake of its aroma.

    I have wonderful memories of the smell of my father's study from when I was a kid. He rarely smoked his pipe by the time I was born, but he maintained a few leather pouches of various tobaccos... just in case he should ever want to have a pipe. The result was that his study always smelled wonderful.

    I have a nice selection of 'seforim' at home, but many of them are older volumes that have been bought at auction or rescued from shuls that were selling off their holy books. As a result, there is sometimes a musty smell near the shelves that I could do without.

    It occurs to me that if I kept a few pouches of a nice pipe tobacco secreted here and there behind the books, it would be a wonderful improvement to the atmosphere.

    So, any recommendations? And if so, how long would it take a leather pouch of pipe tobacco to lose its aroma?

     
  • At 6:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    " very sticky and vaguely nauseating."

    Sounds like a spot welder from Detroit I dated briefly.

     
  • At 11:40 AM, Anonymous Graham said…

    Where do pipe-smokers (non-Arabic) - smoke pipes nowadays? My late brother smoked pipes - but I've never seen people standing around on streets - smoking pipes.
    I can recollect men of my father's generation smoking pipes in their gardens - or in their houses - but I cannot recollect seeing personally public pipe smokers.

    British farm-hands in the centuries past smoked clay-pipes - as did merchants and pirates. I was not there - but I read it in a book - a book that was blue.
    Police inspectors in b/w films often smoked pipes - seemed to help them investigate stuff.


    How do perverts smell? I would have thought unwashed & sweaty. I do not associate fruit or sweet scents with perverts. OK men wearing female perfume are what are PC known as camp/gay, and women wearing after-shave somewhat similar - - but "perverts" are more ominous - perverts e.g. child-molesters or men who steal underwear, - how does one scent them out?

    Do perverts smoke pipes? I'd rather think they smoke cheap cigarettes.

    Are all women who smoke pipes also lesbian?

    Is there a typical Jewish tobacco ?- I have seen old Polish Yiddish videos where all the wise men smoke a pipe

    Graham

     
  • At 5:06 AM, Blogger Lipman said…

    Smoking habits are different among countries, of course.
    In Bulgaria, I've seen people smoke cigarettes in restaurants while they were eating.
    In Switzerland, people actually still smoke (cheap domestic) cigars and pipes on the street, and many no-smoking signs still have a pipe, a cigar and a cigarette in them. Ah, found one.

    Clay pipes are nice, but they're not for beginners who tend to smoke too hot.

    I (freely) assume the wise men smoked the same as everybody else, probably a shag mainly of Virginia and maybe some Orientals in. What do you think, BOTH?

    I also assume if today's chareidi rabbis smoked, they'd smoke one single brand only, and that it would smell terribly sauced and flavoured.

     
  • At 10:08 AM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    I (freely) assume the wise men smoked the same as everybody else, probably a shag mainly of Virginia and maybe some Orientals in. What do you think, BOTH?

    My guess would be much the same. Mostly flue-cured (Virginia and similar types) and some air-cured (Maryland and Burley, plus other leaf from the African and Asian colonies), pressed and steamed with a sweetener, then thin-ribbon cut (shag, or slightly broader), and machine-fluffed. Possibly with a top-flavour added - a misting of something slightly fruity.

    Basically a common product whose dominant characteristics would be the same year after year without the need for a keen blending nose, sold at an affordable base price.

    Either that, or a product processed similarly except for the cut. Sliced into thin easily rubbable broken flake rather than thin ribbon. Possibly like Troost, but without quite so much pong. Pong is an expensive addition.

     

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