JEWISH CALENDAR

The other day someone asked whether Jews celebrated Easter on the same day as the Greek Orthodox this year.


You can well imagine my flabbergastion.


I tried to explain that Easter was not, strictly speaking, a Jewish event - while the root of the holiday may have been a Jewish celebration, the calculation of the date of Easter is based on strange Papal math (first Sunday after the Paschal Full Moon after March 20) so that it does not match with the Jewish calendar. The Greeks have their own way of doing it (they're wrong, too).
In consequence, although Easter and Passover may at times coincide, they usually leap each other's frog as far as the exact dates are concerned.
Nor are they celebrated in similar ways - Passover is a joyous celebration of national liberation with multiple layers of meaning, whereas Easter is about egg-laying bunnies.

It became evident that my acquaintance was not at all familiar with the concept that calendars have ritual connotations, and that different creeds may, because of their particular ritual needs, have their own ideas about the calculation of dates.

[It was also clear that he was staggeringly uninformed about religion - but as that was probably a blessing I simply drifted over those lacunae in his database. Sometimes a crevasse may be merely a crevice.]


Afterwards it struck me that a simple calendar of the Jewish year might be helpful for some people - who knows, it might make something clear to somebody. At least they'll know what the Jews are doing at the time, and it will make everything more predictable.

It might even be of use for some of the FFF (far from frum) crowd.

So then. Sheer kindly helpfulness and a sincere love for my fellow man. A calendar.


THE JEWISH YEAR

1. TISHRI
Erev Rosh Hashanah: Anticipate.
Rosh Hashanah: Eat.
Shabbes Shuva (sometimes after Tzom Gdalia): Reflect.
Tzom Gdalia (sometimes before Shabbes Shuva): Do not eat.
Erev Yom Kippur: Anticipate.
Yom Kippur: Do not eat. Weep. Wail.
Erev Sukkos: Anticipate.
Sukkos: Have a seven day picnic in a shed, and a lemon.
Hoshanah Rabbah: Eat.
Shmini Atzeres: Eat more.
Simches Torah: Keep right on eating. Drink slivovitz. Talk all night.

2. CHESVAN
Cheshvan (whole month): Get over it. Do nothing for a month.

3. KISLEV
Chanukka: Eat potato flapjacks and burn the candles that the Supermercado on Avenida De Las Cruces sold in the kosher aisle last spring. Give socks for seven more days.

4. TEVES
[Note: One more pair of socks.]
Asara B'Teves (tenth of Teves): Do not eat.
Shabbes Shirah: Sing. Sea. Seashanty. Sing.

5. SHVAT
Tu B'Shvat: Eat.
Mefarsha: Tu B'shvat: Eat under a tree. Or (eat) tree produce. Or plant a tree. Or climb one. If you cannot find a tree, you may substitute a shrubbery - one that looks nice, and (is) not too expensive. [Source: Tzipporah]
Shabbes Shekelim: Ponder the counting of money.

6. ADAR
Taanis Ester: Do not eat.
Shabbes Zacher: Do not remember Amalek. Do not even think of Amalek. Don't. Just say no.
Purim: Eat, drink slivovitz, and be merry. Talk all night.
Shushan Purim: Be confused. What did you do last night?
Shabbes Parah: Think pure thoughts about heifers.
Shabbes Hachodesh: Be confused about calendars.

7. NISAN
Shabbes Hagodol: Think of sheep.
Taanis Bechoros: Starve the firstborn.
Erev Peysach: Buy candles in the kosher aisle of the Supermercado on Avenida De Las Cruces.
Peysach: Eat crackerbrød and salt water. Salad. Drink slivovitz. Talk all night. No beer and beans.
[You really want keep away from the beer-and-bean diet the rest of the year also. They make you ph&%T like an old woman. We told you.]

8. IYAR
Lag B'Omer: Set fire to something. Drink slivovitz. Talk all night.

9. SIVAN
Erev Shavues: Anticipate.
Shavues: Eat cheesecake and blintzes. Drink slivovitz. Talk all night.

10. TAMUZ
Tzom Tamuz (on the 17th. Of Tamuz): Be utterly miserable!

11. AV
Shabbes Chazon: Think of the destruction of the Beis Mikdash.
Tisha B'Av: Do not eat. Avoid thinking about food, even crackerbrød and salt water. Or salad. Especially do not think of cheesecake, blintzes, and slivovitz.
Shabbes Nachamu: Be sort of consoled.
Catskills: Rent a cockalone.

12. ELUL
Elul (whole month): Shvitz in shul.


Note: If it isn't any one of the events listed above, just think deep thoughts and lead a clean life. You're probably doing something horribly wrong anyway, but if your shvigger doesn't know about it, it isn't that important.

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There then. Are there any questions?