Tuesday, October 21, 2008

HOT EUROPEAN LOVE

Regular visitors of this blog are undoubtedly aware that I read the news on the internet, as well as several forums and blogs. As such, they are likely also aware that I have seen a lot of criticism of the United States - especially since our rather heavy-handed approach to getting back at the Arabs for bringing their style of political discourse to our shores.


Much of that criticism is valid, most of it isn't.

We aren't as bad as you say we are, and you lot shouldn't talk in any case.

You are often a lot worse than us.



Let's first take a look at the country where I spent much of my youth until returning to the United States in 1978. It is only proper that I describe that place ahead of the others.


THE NETHERLANDS
Open prostitution and drug-use in the streets, rampaging soccer hooligans, and recidivist perverts released back into society at the drop of a hat, this overcrowded rubbish dump is probably one of the worst pretenses at a civilized society ever. Racism festers underneath the surface here, as well as overweening arrogance. These people should learn to keep their gobs shut about other countries, lest the world start paying attention to the sexual enslavement of third-worlders in their cities, and the endemic problems of teenage prostitution, bondage-deaths, and child-molestation. The Netherlands is the sex-traffic capitol of Europe, but even that cannot make up for a lack of a cuisine.
Shut up you smarmy pissants, and learn to bathe regularly - you smell of rotten fish.


Now let's do Europe alphabetically.


BELGIUM
What an utter failure of a country!
The only thing they have going for them is that they are good cooks, brewers, and chocolatiers. But besides that, bigots, racists, and sexual deviants. The Walloons are too lazy to work or learn another language, and the Flemish too hate-filled and narrow-minded to accomplish jack all other than the occasional beating death of a foreigner or brutal gang rape of a half-wit. This country is not an ideal model of a pluralist society, and will probably devolve into civil war and ethnic cleansing within the next year or two.
A dreckheap inhabited by drunken perverts.


ENGLAND
What can one say about a place where the tea is strong and the beer unpleasant? Other than that one is baffled by the sheer numbers of sodding drunken Englishmen, Dutchmen, Irishmen, and Pakis all over the place? Perhaps they don't drink the tea.
Louts with bad-teeth, arrogant socialists, and snooty conservatives. Sounds like parts of San Francisco, but on a much larger scale, and with less oral hygiene.


FRANCE
Alas, a byword for lack of hygiene, and public intoxication. How French-girls ever got the reputation for sexiness among other Europeans is beyond me - unless it is because of their legendary lack of morals, which would explain why venereal disease is both endemic on the continent, and universally credited to the French.
Several smelly fromages make this country their home, and are indistinguishable from the ambulatory natives. Their wine is not good enough to make the smelliness of this place worthwhile. They do have good soap, however. How odd that they do not use it.
They smell, did I already mention that? Badly.
French men are lousy in bed. That may explain why their women sleep with strangers.


GERMANY
Stodgy troglodytes and elegant perverts cannot hide the essential depravity of this nation. Nor can leaden wurst and a lack of humour distract from it. The only time a heterosexual German is a snappy dresser is when he's occupying Poland.
They themselves acknowledge that there is nothing worth seeing or doing in their ghastly country, that's why they built the famous autobahns - so that you can get through it fast without having to eat the horrid food or congress the nasty natives.


GREECE
Having spent five centuries under the Ottoman thumb, you'd think that they had enough of Frenching the Muslims. Oddly, that does not seem the case. Greece has been the leaky sieve of Nato for decades, and deliberately fails at airport security and counter-terrorism. Long the home of degeneracy and sexual deviants, Greece is now bucking for bottom in a relationship with the Muslims.
Their food is indigestible, and their wine is horrid.


IRELAND
Nasty weather, worse natives. They can boast of introducing cannibalism and lycanthropy to the rest of Europe. Mildew and crotch-rot are synonyms in this miserable armpit of a place.


ITALY
Birth-place of Fascism, pasta, and rude opera audiences, this country would be bearable if it weren't filled with Northern Europeans bellyaching about the food. Just eat the garlic and shut up, you pale foreign sods!


PORTUGAL
A pestilential place with a long history of brutal colonialism, failed cuisine, and ugly inbred natives. Rape is the national sport.


RUSSIA
Hairy drunks. Vladimir Nabokov used to live here. He left.
There have been four generations of hairy drunks since then, almost no other accomplishments.
Except for Chechnya.


SPAIN
Like Italy, except without a shred of class whatsoever. Before soccer, the natives delighted in watching bullfights and executions of communists. Before that, they took pleasure in brutality and sadism in the various colonies they sucked dry and gave syphilis to. Since the death of Franco, they merely give venereal diseases to their mothers - except during the tourist season, when all of Northern Europe comes to visit, and acquires tans, diarrhea, and the clap. Avoid it like the plague - it is filled with illiterates.



There are a few other countries in Europe. I have not mentioned them, as I have no problem with Swiss chocolate, Danish butter, Austrian governors, or Viking helmets.
All in all, these are good things.

18 comments:

Backhand Stories said...

"The only time a heterosexual German is a snappy dresser is when he's occupying Poland."

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong...

The Big Little Tommy said...

I guess i don't feel to bad now that in all my 50+ years on this Earth, i have never left the good ol' US of A!

Tzipporah said...

go Sweden! ;)

Anonymous said...

I do not wish to register a complaint...

but WHY does H.B'ness regard the Belgians as good cooks..?

but why so smarmy to the Austrians....?

pushing it a bit too with Spain - or as I prefer the Spaniard - after all CA is e VERY HISPANIC corner of the Land Of The Free...

Graham (mostly Scot....)

Anonymous said...

I like Scotland.
Not Sure about Graham.

Anonymous said...

What I get from all this is that Europeans are sex-crazed, don't wash, and can't cook.

Yes, that has been my experience too.

That's why we try to keep them in Goa. They can not cook and congress each other in the sand there. If they wish. Without disturbing the rest of us.



---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

Oh wait. Except the Scots. They don't congress, and they do make lovely whisky. We need to keep them.


---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

Spaniards, big fat meh. They do not make whisky. No use to anybody.

You can keep the Spaniards.


---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

We'll take the nordic types too. Who cares if they don't cook. That's not why we like them. We are not male-chauvinists in that regard.

We'll just fill them up with whisky.


---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

I agree with the poster for the most part but wonder if he's a native north-american... ooops! Sorry, they were exterminated by the north-americans... ooops!

Bah! Get a life.

PS: I also wonder which relatives you came to visit in Portugal.

The back of the hill said...

I also wonder which relatives you came to visit in Portugal.

Dammit, I snorted my coffee out of my nose reading that!

It's probably the wittiest thing I've seen today. Thank you.

The back of the hill said...

And I note that the writer of that comment left his traces.....

Such a pity my ability to read his language is rather limited.....

The choice of Clockwork Orange and The History of O as favourite movie and book respectively says much.


And alas, photography is not one of my passions.

Anonymous said...

We strongly urge Mr. Patel to take a more considered tone in his cryptic remarks about rats, or he will suffer the consequences!

Anonymous said...

Looking at the title of this post, I have to say that I always thought that 'Hot European Love' involved whips and tight black lace.

I never suspected that it involved Portuguese or Spanish gentlemen, or reeked of olive oil and deep fried crud.

All of you should eat some samosas. You'll be much happier then. We'll even put in some saltpeter for you.


---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

Yo BOTH, living in Europe I've been asked to speak for the kings and queens, for its emperors and presidents: You are invited to Europe! You have to come as soon as possible! You might consider booking a one way flight. ;-)

BTW: I've heard you before,....
Have you gone mild on the Dutch, B? ;-)

Anonymous said...

For most of my 20 years living and working in Europe I have been planning my escape. Sadly I have yet to succeed. Avoid the place at all costs. It has some interesting landmarks but you can get a better look in an encyclopedia and that tower will surely fall over one day.

One problem is that there are too many Europeans. Life in Europe is a continuous battle for right-of-way. This is especially true for Holland, where "waiting patiently for your turn" is as alien a concept as saying "sorry". Another problem is that they cling to the mistaken belief that Europe is civilized and therefore somehow occupies a higher moral ground than the rest of the world. Having listened to a conversation on a bus in Northern England between two schoolboys where the F-word was used in EVERY sentence, and having witnessed a man taking a dump in broad daylight the middle of the Grote Markt in Belgium, I beg to disagree.

I was pleased to see Belgium near the top of your list. The problem with Belgium is that they have no national identity other than making fun of the Dutch. Chocolate does not give a nation its identity. Nor does inventing the saxophone. If you wish to stump someone in a quick-fire word-association game just say "Belgium". I lived there for two years and can confidently say that they have some of the worst drivers in the world. I am convinced that cars imported into Belgium first have their indicators, mirrors, brakes and steering wheels removed, presumably to make it easier for them to concentrate on eating their chocolate.

-Paul

Oskar V. D. said...

Any place that possesses both bagpipes and spam fritters cannot be civilized. England then counts as most vile. Hah!
We are better than them!

Anonymous said...

Je hebt het wel met de Europeanen, zeg.

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