Friday, December 21, 2007


San Francisco,
December 21, 2007

Dear Europeans,

Please give us back the Marshall Plan funds, and repay us for our involvement in two world wars.

Judging by your recent writings in your own various languages and in ours, we did not do much, y'all would have gotten along fine without us, and many of you have no problem with the concept of speaking German or Russian (plus you keep reminding us that we aren't very good at learning foreign languages, whereas you lot do it as automatically as picking up a case of the clap - that must be why you have so many of them).

I have also been told that the liberation of Europe in WWII was entirely due to the Canadians, English, Anzacs, Free French, Czechs and Poles. Our contribution was apparently minimal, we merely "helped" a bit. And we were glad to do so - we share a language with a number of the Allies, and their most enterprising and intelligent people regularly immigrate, which is of great benefit to us, as we do not seem to have any universities of our own, nor the wit to make such institutions necessary.
We have our doubts about the Free French, however; they seem to have disappeared - did they NOT win the war?

As for the Poles and Czechs, well, I guess that was icing on the cake. Good sausage and good beer. Heaven knows we wouldn't have had either of those things without them. But as for Western Europe, y'all are nearly unanimous, and we can only agree, that we have nothing in common with you lot. It's pointless to pretend we do, and we also had nothing to do with your post-war successes. We were just lucky to jump on the Allied bandwagon when the war was nearly won.

So, given our very minimal involvement, you will understand that your repaying us will be no problem whatsoever. Just give us back the money, and we promise we'll stay out of your affairs forever.

Regards, and Merry Christmas,
On behalf of my fellow Yanks,

--------- B.O.T.H

PS. In order to facilitate the transfer of funds, please enter your credit card data as a comment. Be sure to spell your name, as I could not possibly pronounce it. Remember, I'm nearly illiterate, and all those foreign names look alike.


Anonymous said...

The Maharshal Plan Funds??

Anonymous said...

The idea seems sound - but there must be conditions imposed.

The US MUST be prepared to take back all the chewing gum which has accumulated on the pavements of Europe over the last eighty years - and be prepared to offer a new Stateside home to every teenage male rapper in Europe.

A total news block on the activities of Britney Spears would also be nice


ps. When do the native Americans get their country back?

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