Thursday, January 19, 2006


I have recently discovered quite the most fascinating site in the Judeo-bloggosphere: Absolute Celibacy (
[Riezig, mamesh, and positively moiredik.]

Absolute Celibacy promotes an Essene point of view. Sex is evil.
[Takeh, this point of view is so exciting I'm starting to shvitz.]

Of course, chances are that his blog (I'm assuming that it's a 'him', even though it could very well be my great-aunt Ruthie whose been peculiar ever since she won the title of 'Miss Pre-stressed Supporting Beams 1972') is actually a lure for people to disagree - a trolling operation, geared specifically towards folks such as myself.

So, should I say nothing, and just hope he goes away? Or should I give in to temptation, and react?
Do I rip him, do I sympathize? Do I go off the deep end? Do I give in to my worst instincts?

Of course I do!

Absolute Celibacy quotes the Rambam as saying, more or less, that sexual activity ages one, makes one weak, causes hair-loss, weak eye-sight, tooth-decay, and kills more people by far than disease.
[Death by buchakon. How perfect, how fitting.]

Need I point out that the Rambam was married? And had offspring?
Perhaps the Rambam was being ironic - certainly not an unusual concept. There's plenty of evidence in the Talmud that scholars knew irony.
Or could it be, chosveshalom, that the Rambam may have quarreled with his aishes chayil that day?

What I'm saying is that I'm not going to bother looking up the quote AbsoCelibator cited on his blog (, I'll "take his word for it" (yes...., that's it. Take his word. Yes.....).
And I'll assume that even the Rambam might've occasionally blown it out of his ear. Which many of the Tosafists and Chassidei Ashkenaz also believed. Which would explain their objection to his philosophy. It's hard to keep warm in Northern Europe in winter.

"In many other, goyish religions (which should not be compared to Judaism, lehavdil), even though they recognize the danger of sexuality, they think that the solution is castration."

Do ANY religions think this? Has any one actually met someone like this? Other than the Heaven's Gate cult, that is. Until that unfortunate event with the fliegende tegele they may have been all over the place, even though I never saw them here, but still, they qualify more as erev rav than 'many other'.
Now probably maggoty, alas. They could've served as shining examples.

" must the good Jew (or even goy) suffer with the presence of the genitalia, which God created in order to tempt you, but you can receive great reward if you don't give in. The difference, however, between the dieter and the frum Yid, is that the dieter must swear off some food, but still eat a little, whereas the frum Jew must swear off all s*xual satisfaction, whether from a man, a woman, or himself, forever! Always."

Two things:
1. This would lead to a total absence of Jews in one generation. Which might please some people immensely.
No, far better to outbreed the competition. Families with over a dozen kinderlech should absolutely become the norm in the five towns, even though I suspect this is what turned you off of sexuality in the first place. Move to Kansas, and may I suggest that you read the Shir Ha Shirim, asher li Shlomo?

2. What's with apostrophizing the e in sexuality? Is this like underline or hyphen instead of o in the name of the D*ity? Or is it because you feel such h_rr_r that you cannot *v*n write it out in full? This, sadly, indicat*s a hang-up, a pr-blem, perhaps *v*n a childh_-d trauma.
Schoolteacher with rambling hands? A priest? A crazy uncle?
See a therapist, you'll feel better. And work on developing normal sexual responses -- might I suggest that you read the Shir Ha Shirim, asher li Shlomo?

One of the more interesting statements on AbsoCelibator's site is "it is forbidden for any Jew or gentile to ever have sex with anyone. This prohibition is one of the gravest prohibitions in the Torah, and can bring destruction to the world, just as it brought destruction to the world at the time of the great flood at the time of Noach", and "according to the Holy Torah, all sexual activity is absolutely forbidden."

But I just love his final statement: "Most Rabbis (emissaries of Satan, some of who are no more than Christians with beards) will tell you that marital sex is permitted, or even encouraged, in Judaism. I have nothing but rage against such sinners!"

They must've really loved him back when he was in Yeshiva.

"But Rabbi, I was just helping the pig over the fence!"


Mar Gavriel said...

And work on developing normal sexual responses -- might I suggest that you read the Shir Ha Shirim, asher li Shlomo?

On qelaf? Mmmm!

But Rabbi, I was just helping the pig over the fence!"

Huh? Non comprendo.

The back of the hill said...

Yes! Qelaf! Oooh!

Huh? Non comprendo.

Ah, that shows that you do not have a dirty mind.

It's one of three least beleivable answers in the world:
1. The cheque is in the mail.
2. I've got it covered.
3. I was just helping the pig over the fence.

Usually, when you tell people that list, they smile tolerantly at numbers one and two, and then either lose it, or get angy, at number three.

If they get angry, I know I've hit a sore spot.

Absolute Celibacy said...

You ninny! My response to your post is already online.

FrumGirl said...

:-) the drama continues.

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