THE IMPERATIVE OF FETA

Yiftach. Who promised that he would make a burnt offering of the first thing out of his house if he was victorious over the Ammonites. Fetah, imperatively, is yiftach, in my imaginary version of Arabic.
Yiftach - fetah!


That was the thought that stuck in my head during an important conspiracy meeting yesterday. There were seven of us around the table - a librarian, a teacher, a family psychologist, a lawyer, a doctor, an accountant, and myself. The fetah connection did not have anything to do with any of them.


The librarian kept pouring shots from a bottle of strong cough medicine into her tea. But she was indeed very ill (refusheleimuh), and should not have been there. Cough cough.
The librarian recounted, with the lawyer chipping in, about a lecture they had recently attended, that left them shaken - two solid hours of vicious lies. Yes, it was a pro-Palestinian lecture, how did you know?
The family psychologist mentioned administrative staff at length. The lawyer discussed various things. I can't remember what, other than the agreement with the teacher, in nuanced and codicilized detail.
The doctor analyzed a spectrum of situations, spoke clarificatorily, elucidated, and made cogent comments.
The accountant made reference to machers at two shuls, and expanded upon exceptions to other things. He and I had earlier compared kippot - he was wearing a plain dark blue (the only clean one he could find in a hurry, despite owning several hundred), I had with me a brightly festive multi-coloured knit jobby perfectly suited for the Gay Pride parade in summer. Very very happy looking!
Our tastes in pipe-tobacco overlap, in mittn drinnen.

None of this has to do with fetah. There is no connection. Fetah was not even mentioned. It is not part of our conspiracy.
So why fetah?

A kaiser roll, and a tub of what LOOKED like cream cheese.

Deceptively. It just looked like it.
Then someone mentioned the phrase 'yitbach al Yahud'.
Hence the connection. Nevertheless, fetah is a very good thing.


Yiftach al Yahud - fetah for all the Jews!


And after that, we shall contentedly smoke our pipes with Latakia mixtures, while wearing our colourfully extroverted kippot.