MAKING EXCUSES

So the question might be asked "how come we haven't seen "Jayder" in over a month? Well gee. He's "gone", dude. But that alone won't cut it. So I've prepared several more detailed alternative answers for the incurably curious.

A) He's joined the Tiburon Ladies Temperance league, and has devoted his life to Jesus.

B) He re-upped and joined the Marines.

C) We buried him out back under the oak tree after an "accident" with a blender.

D) He's dressed in saffron and banging a tambourine all around Maui.

E) He flamed-out in the Beemer after snorting half a kilo of meth.

F) He's trapped in another dimension. He can see you, you can't see him.

G) He finally decided to go ahead and get that plastic surgery. You have seen him. Many times. You just don't know it.


Is any of it true? That depends on what 'truth' is. Maybe he's roaming around Wonga Wonga with a mistress half his age, with brushes and oil paints. The great American impressionist within was finally ready for freedom, and he didn't want to deprive the artworld of his talents any longer. Be happy for him. He's in a better place. Spam and sex every night.

What, you thought his relationship with 'Little Typhoid Blossom' was Platonic? You just didn't know him very well, did you? Not very secretely she lusted after his glistening porpoise-like body, and that shiny head of his, and all the money in his bank account. And, precisely like Jensen Huang, he felt that he had finally met someone who hung upon his every word. He could talk to her! Where other people showed that he bored them insane, she looked at him attentively and asked questions that showed that she was sincerely interested in everything he said.

Forget Wonga Wonga. She'll very likely feed him more nosecandy and gummies than he ever dreamed of, and push his limp post-heart attack body out of the train somewhere steep while they're going through the Rockies in the middle of the night.

He'll have a stupid grin on his face when he dies.
Much like he did during most of his life.


She'll probably need shots to get over what he gave her. And an ointment. Plus pills for the psychological trauma.

But hey.

You want answers, son? You don't want those answers! His tragic disappearance is best for everyone! You're damned right I ordered a code red! You have the luxury of not knowing what I know; that him being gone probably saved people's sanity. His existence was grotesque and incomprehensible. You can't handle the answers!

Maybe he's in the water supply now.
I'm just saying.



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