CHOADVILLE

By almost any standards large parts of this country are third world hell holes -- Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, et autres -- and other parts resemble Mussolini's Italy. And they're proud of it. Plus it's unsafe to travel through, and the "forces of law and order" there are either narrow-minded bigots or outright bastards. A road trip is out of the question.

So the World Cup will be interesting.
Anthropologically.


Also, FIFA is planning a grand ceremony in which they will award our president with the prize for most peaceloving beloved leader for ending the war in the Middle East. People will sing, there will be Civil War re-enactments in which the Confederate States finally win this time, and some dreary has-been like Kid Rock will perform a cheesy rendition of God Bless America.

I'm also predicting that a blonde White House spokesdebbie will make a speech about 'why can't we all be friends damned crazy democrats after all we are all Americans just obey the president', to mass cheering from the carefully selected audience. Any arrests will be swept under the rug and ignored unless you want your press passes revoked. Well do you?

The major broadcasters will declare it a grand success.
Auto-erotic back-patting all around.

See, it's only because of America and our great traditions that the World Cup can be done at all, the world should be grateful, we are the greatest, and it was bigger and better and more spectacular than any other sports competition ever, and totally splendid. Historic and epic.
A monumental achievement. A celebration of the glorious genius that is this country.
The Founding Fathers could be proud. Our faith in Jesus.

And now that it's finally over and we've made millions, all of you can go home.
Go on, push off. Clear out.



We really want you to like us.
You should.



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