HOW NOW BLONDE COW

When the news says that someone died because a large fat man fell on him from great height, it would be nice if they detailed the victim's last meal. And that it was thoroughly exceptional. Because that would be a happy story. "He really enjoyed the confit of duck as well as the marinated venison chops", and "when he died, it was almost instantaneous!"

All the readers would smile. What a way to go, eh.


In that vein, I encourage the media to concentrate on joyous demises.


Except for Republicans. When they die, it doesn't matter how. They're dead. And the more spectacularly the better. "The former president ingested massive quantities of Adderall and hamberders, after which his lower intestine expanded up into his brain, exceptionally painfully, finally bursting out through his cranium. Fifteen days later he lost consciousness (while still in exceptional pain), and expired in a puddle of gleck. The residential hotel where it happened has been walled off as a superfund site which will take years to clean up."
That would be such happy reading.


The point is that to whom it happens is a fundamental part of how we'll read the story. Which brings me to "missing white woman" news. If the missing woman is a perky blonde, it's not only heartrending, but gets covered by all the outlets. If she's an elderly black woman, or god forbid a natural brunette, it's just a minor blip, filler on page five, with no follow up.

America loves their perky blondes. "She had so much to live for! So much promise! After being an honours student, member of the glee club, and president of the Spofford Academy biochemistry society, she was about to record her first album! So sad!"

Oh, she wasn't blonde? Well, whatever then.

Big fat 'meh'.



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