Having purchased a pack of candy, I was disturbed, nay, outraged, to discover that despite the pretty picture it was gluten free, fat free, and corn-syrup free.
This candy was all-natural. Good for you.
No artificial colours or flavours.
And just not very exciting.
Let me just interject here that I do NOT wish my sins to be healthy.
There's a place on Pacific Avenue which has all-natural meat, dairy, soy, and gluten free hamburger patties. As wells as bits of low-salt bacon-like substance which are also devoid of animal proteins, milk product, soy, peanuts, and gluten.
Repeat: no meat, no gluten, no dairy, no soy.
Non-allergenic, ultra healthful.
Franken-food.
One imagines some very white people chowing down on such things. Not, please understand, white by pigmentation, but white by bollocky attitude. So white that their auras are bland and spunkless.
In the past they would have been very Christian, but having dumped their patriarchal religion for some meaningful and spiritual sh*t, they need something to feel puritan about.
And, coming from a culture that cooks like crap, they have naturally chosen food as their fleshy mortification.
Real people -- who may also be white -- enjoy their food.
Whitey-whites want to suffer instead.
Not surprisingly, there are two yoga studios within walking distance of the frankenfood enterprise, as well as a place where high-colonics can be had by appointment only (because walk-ins are almost definitely crazy as bedbugs, and could be dangerous), plus a teacher of tantric meditation, and some very frightening art spaces. If it weren't for the Chinese who also live in the neighborhood, Pacific Avenue between Stockton and Polk would be a strange alien colony, possibly from outer space.
As it is, it's filled with white people being all that they can be.
You know, I'll gladly eat kosher and halal food. But white food scares the crap out of me. It's culinary inbreeding on a plate.
Dairy-free cheese? What the hell is that?
Vegan gluten and soy substitutes?
Non-pig-sourced bacon?
What probably happened is that two holiday tofurkeys escaped several years ago, and mated. Being so very lacking in DNA differentiation, it was like incest among tea-party morons, and the results were degenerate mutants. Their spawn roam the hills of San Francisco, procreating edible lumps of vegetarian sawdust, beloved by superior white people. People who are filled with a soft golden light, who believe in cleansing, anal health, infinite grace, and greenness.
Yoga makes you poo!
Which is essential if you eat all this whitey-white food.
There's nothing there to stimulate your bowels.
It's light, airy, and flavour-free.
And best of all, it was manufactured to the most exacting standards by a tribe of natural people deep in the Amazonian rainforest, using only wheat-free wheat and soy-free soybeans. Plus green technology.
Sustainable, fair trade, and no waste.
Yoga makes you poo!
Eating this stuff proves your superiority.
Special food, for special people.
I had pork, cheese, and bread today.
And I feel darn good about that.
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