NEXT TIME THERE WILL BE SPARERIBS AND RICE, I PROMISE

We males are often not as sincere about things as women. Being, as we are, larger, hairier, and less sensitive. This is especially true when it comes to food. Usually we eat on the run, and barely taste what we eat; why, it's a miracle if we even remember what lunch was! Either it was pizza, or it wasn't. We're not sure. It was probably pizza. Whatever, it was either a prelude to a business meeting or insane screaming and cheering about sports, or a postlude to all that.

It might not have been pizza, because my breath doesn't stink.
And no beer or screaming was involved.
Should've had pizza.


I was sitting down unwrapping a truly delightful and fragrant packet of sticky rice and chicken wrapped in a lotus leaf, while simultaneously looking forward to the pork siumai, when a youngish Cantonese woman came tripping in and happily asked the counter lady "ah yi, ah, nei yau paaikwat faan, ah?"
She sounded so very chipper when she said it, that I could feel her despair and profound bewilderment at the heartlessness of a cold universe when the person she had addressed responded "mou ah, kamyat mou paaikwat faan; wantan min?"

It was as if the sun disappeared and a drenching downpour started.
What kind of world is this when there is NO paaikwat faan?
Cruel, heartless, wrenching. A calamity.
She shrivelled up.

[NOTES. Lo mai kai (糯米雞): glutinous rice, chicken, and one or two slices of Chinese sausage, wrapped in a lotus leaf and steamed till delicious. Siu mai (燒賣): minced meat in an open-topped pasta cup, also steamed. It is juicy and slightly fatty, and utterly wonderful. Ah yi, ah, nei yau paaikwat faan, ah? 阿姨,阿, 你有排骨飯, 阿?: Oh auntie, do you have spare ribs over rice? Mou ah, kamyat mou paaikwat faan; wantan min? 冇阿, 今日冇排骨飯; 吞湯麵?: Nope (sorry), today no spare ribs and rice; won ton noodles (instead)?
Pong to daai yu 滂沱大雨: a torrential downpour.]


There is nothing quite so beautiful as a Cantonese woman expecting something nice to eat. Nor anything so heartwrenching as that same woman when her hopes have been cruelly dashed. It does not matter what age she is, from infant to crone and anything in between.

Waaaaah, no food? No food!

It's not that Cantonese women love food above all else, but tasty things to eat are such a wonderful prospect. A delicious snack truly is an innocent pleasure, to be celebrated with good cheer and profound happiness.

Mine, all mine! It is filled with goodness!

If you want to look death in the face, tell her she can't have any.
No, she won't go all savage inner demon on you. But when no one is watching, she'll push you off a cliff onto the jagged rocks far below.
Then lament your untimely demise by eating something.


I would have bought her some paaikwat faan, but for TWO reasons:
Number one: It would have been considered forward, and possibly intrusive, to have made the offer. Plus she might have been married.
Number two: There was no paaikwat faan.


POST-LUNCH 

After I went and got my haircut, I wandered down through the alleyways till at last I passed the park. A young couple and their tiny daughter were coming up the street as I relit my pipe. I noticed that she was clutching a small stuffed animal. Which I recognized as a seal. Unusual; stuffed seals are not the most common of stuffed companions. I would have asked her "what is that?", but she probably would glared at me fiercely and told me in no uncertain terms that it was hers, and I should bug the hell off old man.
The key to harmony and long life is to never express untoward interests in a little girl's stuffed companion. That, and not interfering with a Cantonese woman's food.
Bad things will happen if you do.

Sometimes I feel like 'The Dude' in 'The Big Lebowski'.
Just exclaim "ah, nice marmot", and leave it at that.

At other times I am merely bemused.


BTW: My favourite eateries are staffed by women.
I have not asked if they have stuffed animals.
It wouldn't surprise me if they do.




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