KERMIT THE FROG, THE TERM 'KWAILO', AND WHAT CHINESE GIRLS REALLY THINK ABOUT WHITE GUYS

It's a bad habit, I'll admit. I like listening in on other people talking while pretending that I am oblivious to their conversation. The other day I took the bus from the downtown, and ended up near the beach because of it, where it is cold and foggy, and mostly miserable cretins live.
When I should have gotten off at Fillmore Street.

You see, there were some Chinese girls on the bus, sitting behind me.
For many white men, such girls are a subject of some fascination.
So please consider this field research in a way.
I was intrigued by their chatter.

"White guys are gross!"

One of them is repelled by a fellow student at her high school. Which is understandable, because teenagers go through several developmental phases simultaneously, one of which is the transition from knowing that the other sex has cooties to thinking that maybe not all of them do; one or two of them are actually quite bearable. Huggable, even.

Judging by what she said, her male fellow-student has hit that phase already, but she hasn't. Her friends chimed in to agree -- obviously they too have been 'hit on' by 'white guys' -- but one of them opined that it was not all white guys. Just white guys who weren't George Clooney.
Who unfortunately is already taken, because he was so 'do-able'. "Oh, yeah! A total stud muffin!" At this point I repressed a giggle, because to me, George Clooney, while handsome enough, is a dessicated old fossil who should only date grandma. But it turns out that he looks uber-cute while wearing a tuxedo.

So does Johnny Depp. He's very foxy! Now that I can understand, because in some ways I look far more like Johnny Depp than George Clooney; I've got glasses and well-trimmed facial hair, and I am also somewhat piratical.

One of them brought up Christopher Reeve. Who had a lovely chin.
Personally I always thought it was far too big.
But I have a chin as well.
So whatever.

"But all other kwailo are creepy!"

Umm, you don't say! I am a kwailo. And I am NOT a creep at all! Despite the fact that we just crossed Divisadero, and I was supposed to get out on Fillmore. You ladies are just too darn interesting, and I'm kind of hooked. Even though I'm not saying a thing, and sitting here with a big goofy poker expression on my ponim. A white male fly on the wall.
Silently listening in on your discourse.

"Especially the older ones!"

I nearly snorted.


嚟真嘅？
青蛙柯密特，佢都喺卑鄙的鬼佬咩？

[Seriously?!? Kermit the Frog, he's also a creepy kwailo? ('Lai jan ge? Cheng-waa O-mat-dak, keui dou hai bei-pei dik kwai-lou me?!?')]


No, I did not turn around to offer this cogent query. The key to accurate scientific observation is to never influence the behaviour of the wildlife.
They should be quite unaware of your presence. Same goes for tribal anthropology, except then you have to get tattoos and drink a lot of horrible alcoholic rice mash, so that they forget that you aren't one of them. There's no rice mash on the San Francisco bus lines.
And I hate hot weather.

Kermit the Frog is about as kwailo as anyone can be. That's a personal opinion. And all Chinese girls I know find him a lovable and dashing fellow. My ex told me so, and yes, she's pretty much the only Chinese girl I know, aside from a few former coworkers, whom I've never actually asked about Kermit the Frog, because I'm totally sure they would agree.
This is San Francisco; everyone has such coworkers.
So it's a representative sample.


I'm certain that if those girls met Kermit, they would not even notice that he wasn't one of them, and didn't speak a word of Cantonese; green is the new yellow.

No doubt they'd think him just about the most darling man they had ever met. And he is. Kermit has charm and character. How could they not ogle him out of the corner of their eyes, winking smiling blushing?

Each one of them would "covertly dispatch autumn breakers" (暗送秋波 'am sung chau po') in his direction, and act about as Miss Piggy as they possibly could.

豬小姐喺一個蛇蠍美人！

Miss Piggy is a femme fatale.

A modern-day 楊貴妃。

Hellooo, Froggy!


Ladies, Kermit the Frog is older than I am.

Just remember, men at age forty are mere blossoms (男人四十一枝花 'naam jan sei sap yat ji faa'), and haven't even approached their full potential. Older white guys are by no means a spent force, and if you think them weird, it's probably because they've developed character.
Immense and overwhelming character.

Well, I have. Don't know about any of these other old farts.


Anyhow, I am significantly younger than Kermit the Frog, and far more approachable; there is no crazed and savage pig in my vicinity at all, and I do not smell like an amphibian.

I'm just mentioning this, because I'm hurt by the statement that "all other kwailo are creepy, especially the older ones". I am a middle-aged white guy, and high-school girls are far too young and unformed to be so opinionated about people such as that.

Not that I really care.


AFTERWORD

At the end of the line, I was the only person left on the bus. It was foggy and depressing, so close to the ocean, and I couldn't wait to get back to civilization.

A peculiar phrase went through my mind that I had overheard on Polk Street at two o'clock in the morning while passing a gaggle of blondes.

"Why does it all taste like whiskey?  Well, maybe after what you did tonight, everything will taste like whiskey."

I could only imagine what they had been up to all night.

Wisely, they ended their evening with donuts.

I applaud the maturity of doing so.

With age comes wisdom.




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