HOW TO TALK TO A TEENAGER

For the benefit of my readers, I present below Lesson One in "how to talk to a teenager".


Imagine, if you will, that you are calling a store about a past-due invoice. You hope that Bob, the owner, will pick up - instead you get Amber, his thirteen year old employee / daughter / neighbor's kid / secret love interest.

You: "Hi, can I speak to Bob?"

Amber: "He ain't in."

You: "Can you take a message?"

Amber: "Can I take a message?"

You: "Yes, can you?"

Amber: "What?"

You: "Take a message?"

Amber: "What?"

You: "With whom am I speaking?"

Amber: "What?"

You: "Hello, Miss Watt, can you take a message for Bob?"

Amber: "What?"



You can see that this conversation is slowly, excrutiatingly, going nowhere. And unlike Bob, who at least may derive some visual pleasure from Amber's dull-witted company, you are just becoming more and more irritated. You now have a headache.

You're first mistake was asking for Bob. Instead, you should've said that you needed to speak to someone about a past-due bill. Amber's parents are probably residents of the local trailer park, judging by the inherited intelligence of their daughter, and the words 'past-due bill' consequently resonate in her tiny little brain as strongly as the phrases "best friend forever", "eeew!!!!", and "uh-huh".

So, what you should learn from this is, be blunt. There is no point in engaging a mind permanently occupied with chewing bubble gum.



It is an unfortunate fact that many retail establishments will hire people who are sub-qualified but of non-threatening appearance. Especially if they are related to the owner, or the owner's teenage daughter. What this means is that there are a massive number of unexceptional juvenile low-brows in the work-force, with unstressed and unexercised minds, for whom words like pencil, fax machine, invoice, way bill, packing slip, invoice, accounting, message, invoice, and take that gum out of your mouth you stupid cow are incomprehensible, too difficult to spell, and virtually a different language.

Fortunately I am a tolerant and saintly person, and I know how to deal with them.

At previous jobs I did not have to speak to teenagers. But here it is the one constant of my day, at which I have become frighteningly good.