I AM NOT A CROTCHETTY OLD GEEZER!

I feel I have to say that.

I shall explain.


I took two aspirin on Sunday, while watching the Chabad Telethon.

That evening, Savage Kitten prepared seethed goat for dinner. It was very rich, and there was a lot of spicy grease left in the pan, some of which I sopped up with bread and sambal. It was delicious. But very rich.

I had an aspirin on Monday as soon as I got in to work.

Monday afternoon I had rich greasy pizza with garlic and extra cheese for lunch. By four o'clock, the pregnant ache in my left foot had become quite throb-some. I was pushing it.

I took another aspirin.

When I came home, she screamed that I should NOT enter the kitchen. Meanwhile, my foot had really become a pain in the......

About twenty minutes later, Savage Kitten came out of the kitchen with a large bowl of......
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GEHAKTE LEBER!
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Which, as you know, is very rich.

I ate much. And it was lovely.

More aspirin.


Went to bed at ten o'clock. And kept starting awake, due to pain in my left foot (precisely where the big-toe joins the main part of the pedal extremity itself). A taught sensitivity of the skin, coupled with painful twitchiness, and some swelling. Plus a throbbing sensation that faded in and out; a dull feeling as if the foot was clamped in a thumb-screw several sizes too small.
Slumber was fitful. No nightmares, but instead, creative re-interpretations of the pain in the foot by the mind. Fevered dreams of jungles, hot sunlight, and whales on many legs crashing through the distant trees. Definitely whales, though. Humpbacks and blues, but wearing camouflage colours. And beluga whales (delphinapterus leucas) wearing Viet-Cong black.

I believe I finally dropped into a deep sleep around three thirty. When I got up at seven, the pain had subsided considerably.

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This morning, on the internet, I read:
".....some over the counter medicines such as ibuprofen can reduce the pain and inflammation slightly and provide temporary relief, but aspirin should not be taken as it can worsen the condition. "

Son-of-a-b....!

[To recap: One aspirin before lunch. One aspirin around five o'clock. One final aspirin after nine PM. Apparently that was a stupid move (or: three successive stupid moves). I was much vexed.]


Another quote:
"High levels of uric acid in the blood are caused by protein-rich foods. Gout (a form of arthritis which affects mostly men after 40) occurs when mono-sodium urate crystals form on the cartilage of joints, on tendons, and in the surrounding tissue. "

[And it is NO comfort to read that according to some ancient Roman physician, it seldom occurs in Eunuchs or boys before coitus, or that suppression of the menses may cause it. Fascinating, yes.]


Now, like me, you probably remember the unloving description of the gouty grandfather in Little Lord Fauntleroy as a crusty, foul-tempered old geezer. If not, no matter - there are several other literary portraits of elderly men with gout and horrible attitudes. Their number is legion. They drink sherry or port, swear at the butler, throw objets d'art at their family members, scream, and spend whole days in their suite with the curtains drawn, affected foot elevated, grumbling, and smoking incessantly

I am not like that at all.

And just to prove that, this evening I shall have some more of that delicious gehakte leber which Savage Kitten made for me. Plus some sherry.