At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


I was over at the tobacco store enjoying a pipe when the phone rang. One of the owners picked up, then turned to me and asked if I knew of a pipe-tobacco that came in a plaid or tartan plastic pouch.

Did I ever.

Clan. Clan Pipe Tobacco.

Clan is the bane of existence, one of the signs of the coming apocalypse. Clan is an aromatic pipe-tobacco made by Theodorus Niemeyer in the Netherlands. It is indescribably horrid.
Please imagine cheap artificially flavoured fruit-candy steam-pressed into sheets of industrial packing material, then sliced into thin sodden sugary shreds of badness.

Then drizzled with fruity shampoo.

In my youth, many well-meaning people of doubtful discrimination and taste would seriously urge me to smoke it, because it smelled so good, instead of what I had in my pipe at the time.
They loved the fine aroma of Clan, and made sure I knew that. If I had any consideration for humanity at all, surely, they seemed to suggest, I would smoke Clan.
Even some of my classmates smoked it; the sickly sweet swamp-reek of their pipes was noticeable in the school courtyard still several hours later. Wherever you find excessively hairy men with wide-lapelled shirts open to the waist, showing off their tans, chest fur, and cheap 14K gold jewelry, you will find packets of this nauseating tobacco - soggy, sugary, foetid......

Other pipe-smokers have been lyrical and eloquent about this product.

Consider the following text-fragments as a guest post by an entire community of angry men.

"The whole house smells like a Bangkok massage parlour, and I'm afraid I'm going to hurl - cheap perfume and floor sweepings combined - candied camel dung - the driest, nastiest, harshest chemical crap I've ever smoked - I want my mother - I can't drink soda till my tongue heals."

"This is evil pubic hair. It smokes hot and bites like a rabid weasel."

"This crap gives me nightmares."

"I'm sweating and sick to my stomach after half a bowl. They should print on the label 'warning, may cause bleeding nostrils and insanity'."

"Lit easily, considering that it's so dry, but holy crap this smokes like napalm. I couldn't finish it, and it left a fruity funk in the pipe that doesn't go away even after several other tobaccos. I swear they must've sauced this with roach spray."

"Suicide by smoking fermented skunk arse."

"Avoid this like you would an elderly perfumed tart. The smell stays around for hours and tells your wife that you've done something nasty."

Clear and succinct, no?

Apparently the gentleman on the other end of the line was not pleased when told that it was a drugstore tobacco and he should look for it at Rite-Aid or Walgreens. His grandfather had smoked it, his uncle had smoked it, and possibly his dad, it was a darn fine product. And it was very very wrong of the tobacco store not to carry it!

Some people are beyond salvation.


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All correspondence will be kept in confidence.

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