THOUGHTS ON SHARING A BLANKY

All cigar smokers agree: dog-people are nicer than people-people. By which they apparently mean that it is better to socialize with folks who have a dog on a leash than with anyone who keeps another person on a leash.
That seems to be the gist of it.

I was standing at the wall having a quiet pipe-full near the cigar smokers. Normally I stay out of their conversation, as I do not have much to contribute to discussions of sports or investment banking. Neither of those subjects are part of my world.
I may look like a member of the one percent, but that's primarily attitude.
I just lack the intemperate anger and nihilism of the ninety nine.
Oh wait... sports are a ninety nine percent thing too.

What I'm saying is, I have no idea how the conversation turned to dogs. But leashed dogs are far less embarrassing than people. Especially when you take the ten-inch spike heels into account, and perhaps nothing else on than fishnet stockings and a collar. That is ALWAYS an issue in San Francisco, where we only have one or two warm months out of every twelve.
Goosebumps, no matter how velvety the skin, are NEVER attractive.
Whenever I see goose-bumps I always feel like enveloping the afflicted party in a nice warm blanky. I've only got a few of those, not enough to go around. And one has to be selective about sharing a nice warm blanky.
Ten-inch heels might rip the blanky. Admittedly, ten-inch heels and fishnets probably look stunningly hot hot hot yowza, but the studded collars and leashes are a discordant note.
And given a choice, I would want the person inside the blanky to be petite and feminine, rather than over six feet tall and butch.
Small misses can be gorgeous in heels and fishnets. Large men, not so much.
That's just a personal observation, I'm NOT being judgmental!
Oh, and discard the spiked collar and the leash.
As well as the hairy flab and paunch.
That ain't my thing either.
I am selective.
Yes.

It's that pipe-smoker personality, you see.
Calm, contemplative, with good taste and discretion.
We have the blanky, but we're not sharing it with just anyone.


I enjoy my mid-day pipe-smoking break.
Often the cigar smokers say such interesting things.
They're truly in another world, and they lead such unusual lives.

Note: All remarks about collars do NOT apply to pearls. A pearl collar is in excellent taste, and even it is the only garment, there is NO possible objection.
If you're NOT wearing pearls, a terry cloth robe with those fishnets and stilletos is advised.

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WITHERED AND HAIRLESS

"Nothing to see here, just move along."

In the first years that Savage Kitten and I were together, there must have been several strong indications that I was not the succesful Cantonese-American Dentist With Real-Estate Holdings that she had been programmed to marry.

One of those indications could have been the building in which I lived. And the other tenants.

Such as Rufus.

Rufus spent his days sitting on the Kearny Street Steps engaging passers-by. He would smile sweetly at you, and nod you over, and when you had ventured close enough he would spring one of his four patented phrases on you.


"Got a quarter?" "Buy me some ripple!" "Got a cigarette?" "Get me a burger!"


It wasn't certain that these conversational gambits were ever succesful, but as ice-breakers they were sure-fire, and along with that brilliant smile probably guaranteed him a rich social life.

Burgers, Ripple, smokes, and quarters - fit subjects for conversation, and one way to spend your declining years.
There is much charm to that retirement scheme.

One day Savage Kitten and I entered the building and discovered Rufus on the stairs ahead of us, having severe logistical problems with his pants. A failure to use a belt had proved his undoing, and the result presented a most educational view.
He smilingly motioned us to pass him and just go on ahead. Which, averting our eyes and stepping around him gingerly, we did.

Evenso, the image of elderly nekkid dangle-bits burned itself onto our retinas.

I think at that point Savage Kitten realized that while the Toad might not be introduceable to her kinfolk (not being Cantonese, or a dentist), his environs supplied an exciting quotient of 'theatre'. That has probably helped keep the relationship solid all these years. Some people are accident prone, the Toad is 'entertainment' prone.
I flatter myself that life with me is not boring.
Many things, but not boring.
[Don't worry, I shan't break into song now.]


THOUGHTS ABOUT THE WATTLEY PARTS OF OLD PEOPLE

I am glad that Rufus decided not to include a pants-disaster into his conversational rotation. Once was quite enough.
[Now, had it been a juicy fifteen-year old, it would have borne repeating.]


The wattley parts of old folks are the opposite of enchanting. We probably already knew that, as an abstract intellectual concept. It was good to have it made clear. Exemplarily demonstrated. But it requires no repeating.
There is no further need to exhibit such desiccated wreckage.
I am still traumatized. I understand now, and it is not something I really need to see again. Thank you.
So much.

Anyhow, she and I were watching television last night.
At some point in the show, an elderly Russian woman decided to undress in a police station.

Then pranced around, and tried to attract the attention of a policeman.


Which prompted one of the most cogent remarks I've ever heard Savage Kitten make:


"There's nothing sadder than old snatch"


I'm sure she's right. But I would much rather not think about it.

HOW TO BEAT YOUR WIFE

At times, the attitudes of other subcultures can be quite illuminating. Especially when a certain attention to details which we would blithely overlook becomes evident.
Hence this post.


INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE USE AND MAINTENANCE OF YOUR WIFE
Notes from a lecture by Sheikh Galal El Khatib

One of the husbands rights is to chastise his wife if she is disobedient.
What does this word "disobedient" mean?
Disobedience is to leave the house without the husband's permission, to refuse to obey the husband in bed, to speak to the husband rudely, or to do the opposite of what he wants - all these are forms of disobedience.

Shariah has instituted several means of disciplining a disobedient wife. These measures must be followed in order, you cannot rush to the third measure before despairing of the second, and you cannot go to the second before despairing of the first. The correct order must be followed.

The first measure for chastising a disobedient wife is to admonish her - the husband should talk to her softly, reminding her of God, and that if she wants to enter paradise, she must obey. He must tell her that by making her husband happy, she pleases God, and that his rights outweigh those of her parents.

Well then, if admonishment doesn’t work, the next step is banishment. Some aver that the wife should be banished from his couch, while others opine that he should abstain from connubulatus with her - but I do not agree with the latter view, because connubulatus is a right of the husband - how can he punish her by depriving himself of connubulatus? It is enough if he does not smile or say nice things to her, instead giving her the cold shoulder. But he has the right to have connubulatus with her even during banishment.

Okay then, he's tried admonishment, he's tried banishment. But nothing works.
Her emotions are dull, and she says "meh". So what is the next thing?
"And beat them..." - beating. The Prophet Muhammad peebuh said that the beatings should be light, and that one should avoid the face, or the tender areas, which might lead to broken bones, or might leave a mark that would spoil her beauty, on her face or anywhere on her body. Beatings that draw blood or break bones, or leave a scar or a bruise, or any obvious mark, which would let people know that she was badly beaten - this is forbidden.

How then should one beat? Maybe a light slap on the shoulder, maybe a firm pinch, or a gentle shove. He should make her believe that he wants to reform her, and let her know that he is quite unsatisfied with her. It is like telling her "methods that work with sensible people do not work with you, a mere word would be enough for a wife of lofty morals, but with you, words are useless!"

Then he tries a new tactic, appealing to her femininity and emotions, by making her think that he doesn't want or love her. And if this doesn't work, he says to her "with you I have reached a point which is only suitable for subhumans, the stage of beating".

Beating is one of the punishments of shariah.
What manner of people are beaten?
The virgin adulterous, both male and female, are beaten to discipline them. And who else is beaten? A person who offended, and was sentenced by a judge to a beating. And who else is beaten? A person who committed a crime.
By beating his wife, the husband says "you have done an evil deed, and that deserves a whupping!"

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Source: MEMRI, more or less.

[See LiveLeak: http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=202_1233657536 ]

A slight rephrasement, to make it read smoother, was applied to the text, but the letter and spirit of the beating have been faithfully maintained.

There are other instructive lectures on the same wholesome subject available at the source listed above: Wife beating as therapy, Sermon on the wondrous nature of wife beating, Wife beating in Islam, Culture of wife beating under Islamic law, How to properly beat your wife, and many more.

All of these lectures make clear that Muslims, even stern and old-fashioned believers, are significantly better than trailerparkers, who leave scars, often break bones, and bruise the faces of their wives, throw away the poor woman's make-up and hair dye, and even smash her whiskey bottle besides.
This blog cannot possibly endorse such things.