I SMELL SMOKE!

One of the things boys do is push boundaries. By which I mean that they engage in a pattern of behaviour calculated to extend the limits of the permissible. This despite the rules that have been set by adults. It's an addictive behaviour. Boys do it much more than little girls, hence the sexist generalization in my statement.


Many little boys grow up. And still push the boundaries. Which explains the large number of twenty-something males yelling slurs and puking on sidewalks every weekend. Or driving down busy downtown streets looking for prostitutes, screaming, shouting, and gaily waving their privates.
Somehow these are good things, beneficial to business, economic achievement, or something. Money is being spent, which pleases the San Francisco merchants and politicians no end.
It's very middle-class, and one of the rocks upon which our great country is built.


I mention all of this, because Savage Kitten lacks a certain balanced perspective regarding my behaviour.


The other night I was sitting in the television room, very innocently minding my own business, when she yelled from her room "I smell smoke!"
This was not apropos of nothing at all, by the way.
So I hollered back "whut?"
"I smell smoke!!"
"Probably your imagination!!"
"I smell smoke!!!"
"Oh, so you're over your cold, then???"

This exchange could've gone on for several more minutes, except that she came stomping into the room and glared at me.
I pointed at the monkey and said "it was him!!!!!".

[The monkey was introduced in this post:
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2008/09/happiness-is-quarrelling-with-monkey.html
He is less than a foot tall, missing a leg since that unfortunate accident in the product-development department, and he wears a colourful silken women's shirt which was "just lying there ownerless in the womany-thing's room". He looks very innocent.]


This accusation generated howls of outrage. The monkey, it was forcefully asserted, was wholly blameless. Nay, far otherwise even, the monkey undoubtedly had remonstrated with the smoker, and warned him against puffing a pipe in the television room. The monkey was resolutely opposed to many and several of my behaviours, my dissipation appalled him! And it was obvious that I was a bad man, and did not love the monkey!


For the rest of the evening I 'pushed the boundaries of acceptable behaviour' in the kitchen.
I was undisturbed in this endeavor, as Savage Kitten and the Monkey enjoyed each other's company without my sulfurous presence. They were very firm about this.

Consequently I smoked THREE bowls of strong Virginia flake - finished the bowl in the two-tone Canadian which had betrayed me, continued with a fully bent billiard with a natural finish, then enjoyed a large semi-natural Canadian. All smoked slowly. It was yummy.

This morning, when I woke up, it felt like a camel had climbed into my mouth and died. Rasty. Fur-tongue. Dry, acrid, pelt-like. Slightly rotten and rancid. Yech.
I must have spent too much time in the kitchen last night.

I'm blaming the monkey. He could have put in a good word for me with Savage Kitten.

TOBACCO INDEX


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NOW MORE WOMBAT THAN EVER

I note, in passing, that several of my readers have left comments evincing an unhealthy interest in wombats (Vombatus ursinus, Lasiorhinos latifrons, -krefftii, et spp.). This blog, for the past week, has seemed an outpost of Wombats-R-Us.



THE WOMBAT

The wombat, for those who are not familiar with the beast, is a quadruped that lives in forested montane areas of Australia and Tasmania. It has rodent-like front teeth and powerful claws for digging up roots. It is crepuscular and nocturnal.

A wombat digests its food slowly. It has a posterior covered with cartilage. It does not have a meaningful tail.

Wombats are dangerous, and have been known to attack humans.


All of this courtesy of Wikipedia. For more on wombats:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wombat

There is a blog called Wombat Bacon here:http://wombatbacon.blogspot.com/



WOMBAT CUISINE

Wombats are unpleasant animals. A search for "wombat curry" yielded no recipes. Apparently the darned thing is nearly inedible. But when braised they can be "quite good" in a white wine sauce. To avoid the brute drying out, lard him with bacon when roasting. A haunch of wombat will probably benefit from prolonged simmering in soy sauce, rice wine, garlic, ginger, and star-anise.

Any form of cooked wombat is probably excellent with Australian lager. But not with anything else. Neither is the Australian lager.

Wombats are not kosher.



FINAL NOTE ABOUT WOMBATS

A gentleman in a suburb of Sydney created a nativity scene entirely out of stuffed wombats on his front lawn. His neighbors complained and the council order it removed. This serves as a warning against home taxidermy - Jesus, Mary, and Josef were rotten and attracted vermin. Which says something either about Christianity or about Australia in the middle of the warm season. I do not care to know what.

THE COMMENTS WILL BE ANTI-SEMITIC

The comments will also be just plain stupid and ignorant. Guaranteed.


This in reference to this article in the Algemeen Dagblad:
http://www.ad.nl/buitenland/2412888/Hoed_inzet_van_straatoorlog.html


It's in Dutch, but the gist of it is that two groups of Vishnitzer Chassidim in Bnei Brak are in conflict over the succession of the two sons of Rabbi Yehoshua Moshe Hagar, fighting not with Saturday-night specials or machine guns, but by grabbing as many shtreimlech of the opposing side as they can - thus forcing the other side to negotiate or give in, rather than losing the investment which their headgear necessitated.

When Rabbi Yehoshua Moshe Hagar fell ill, his followers divided into two camps - supporters of rabbi Yisroel and supporters of rabbi Menachem Mendel. The first side controls the shul, the second the neighborhood.

A shtreimel can be very expensive indeed - a few thousand dollars. Hence captured shtreimels becoming "hostages".


Anyhow, this furry mishegoss is not earth-shattering news, and there are precious few amongst the readers of the Algemeen Dagblad who will actually know what a Chassid is, where Bnei Brak might be located, or in fact that Chassidim are not a majority of practicing Jews. Many Dutch are fairly ignorant about matters outside their own fold, and most comments under internet articles reflect that ignorance abundantly.

The Dutch are also exceptionally good at criticizing the ideas, habits, and customs of others. And generally being negative.
[We call that 'azijn-zijken' or 'terpentijn-pissen', both of which terms would be unprintable in English, but refer to a stream of burning liquid (azijn: vinegar; terpentijn: turpentine) coming out of the urethra. There's also a term about testicularly dessicated individuals who have congress with canaries, or ants..... Dutch is a very flavourful language.]

Lashon Hara and Lashon Holanda are cousins. Perhaps not actual bloodrelatives, but they're closer than two ridgerunners in a barn.


So I'm predicting that the comments underneath the article in the Algemeen Dagblad will be repulsive.
And at some point some iggerunt cheese will bring up the Palestinians. Because, of course, ANYthing Jewish must naturally mean EVERYthing Jewish, Jewish means Israeli, and Israeli means repression of Palestinians and (by implication) exploitation of innocent and helpless natives all over the third-world.
Manifestly, wearing a fur hat is another way of imposing tyranny.

DISROBING FOR THE CAMERA

In the comment string on a Dovbearian posting, commenter and chaveir Bray (the Bray of Fundie, aka Chaim G.) said something that made me think of him naked.

Consequently, it is with considerable pleasure that I boast of having tracked down a video of him in his birthday suit, in his home environment to boot.

Dare I keep it from you, my loyal readers?
Of course not!
Chasvesholom and shomayim forefend.


See this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg
And don't worry, it is completely work safe. I guarantee.


Further, let me quote from the wikipedia article about him:
"The Bray is among the fiercest hunters in its range, with prey including earthworms, termites, scorpions, porcupines, hares, and even larger prey such as tortoises, crocodiles up to one metre in size, and snakes, including pythons and other venomous species. Its ferocious reputation extends to attacks on creatures much larger than itself.
Bray is also very intelligent [cut] (and) capable of using tools. In the 1997 documentary series Land of the Tiger, Bray was caught on film making use of a log to reach a kingfisher fledgling stuck up in the roots coming from the ceiling in an underground cave."This, of course, explains why Bray is a frequent visitor of the bear. Whose blog is here: http://dovbear.blogspot.com/


In other news, sheitels may cause crime - the theory is that the bad karma of the crackwhore wot shore her locks for drugmoney causes the wearer of the wig to commit welfare fraud or otherwise lose her moral bearings. Kinda like pornography and other temptations of the frei world corrupting the mind. I am crusading against wigs for this reason, and suggesting that you wear clogs and baggy pants instead. Really. It's all made clear in the comment string on Dovbear.