Tuesday, May 10, 2011


I know way more about Barbie Dolls and Sexuality than is comfortable.

And remarkably, this has nothing to do with fetishes.


When I was a child one of my friends and I would play at the kitchen table. Now, as youngsters in Europe, we were familiar with Asterix and Obelix - two comic strip characters in an ongoing series about a small Gallic village beating off the Romans encamped all around them at the time of Julius Caesar. You have probably read some of the episodes.

When you were seven or eight years old, you may have even incorporated elements of the 'tale' into your games.

Instead of 'Cowboys and Indians', you could have been 'Gauls and Legionnaires'.

One day the Gauls had a remarkable victory over the Romans. There was boasting and much manly posturing.
The part of the Gauls was played by a snap pea and a potato, embodying the physical characteristics of Asterix (small) and Obelix (very large) respectively.
The part of the Romans was played by my friend's sisters' collection of Barbie dolls.

When the Barbie dolls (Romans) died in battle, they were all naked.
The reason being that what they had been wearing was not correct for the period. Totally unsuitable, in fact - short skirts and frilly blouses, feh! And Romans were often naked, so it seemed logical to undress them.
Romans, naked - ergo dead Romans, still naked.

His father didn't immediately grasp the "truthiness" of the scene.
When the old man came into the kitchen and saw a pile of naked Barbie dolls next to two cheering vegetables, he dropped his cigar.
After he heard the explanation, however, he was reassured that there weren't two little freakazoids in the kitchen.
He told us to ask him sometime about the Sabine women, and left.

In retrospect, it could've been worse. We could have played French Revolution and decapitated the naked Barbies.

[When we did 'Germans versus allies' the German soldiers were naked too.]

It wasn't until three or four happy years later that we finally put their clothes back on.
By then their nudity and their biological inaccuracy was an issue.
It just didn't look right anymore. Kinda creepy.


Recently a friend of mine described Mothers Day a few years ago, when he became convinced that his boyfriend was a pervert.

His boyfriend's mother had died a few months before, and one of the things he had received from her before her death was her collection of Barbie Dolls. On Mother's Day, he had put them on a little pedestal on the dining room table. Symbolically, it was as if she were present. Those Barbie dolls represented the softer side of the woman, the little girl who had been forced to grow-up too fast when her father died. In a way, Barbie represented not so much the grown-up image, as an adult revisitation of a short, short childhood.

Because their dresses all needed repair, the dozen dolls were naked, with red bows tied around their waists.

[I should've asked him about the red ribbons, but I didn't really want to know.]

After dinner, my friend (let's call him Alphonse) went into the kitchen to fix coffee and get dessert. When he came back, his boyfriend had a Barbie doll deep in his mouth, and three of the others were lying on the table cloth, wet, with stained bows.

His eyes were closed, and he looked blissed out.

Wouldn't you rather have some pie first? Or are you really that horny?"

Alphonse admits that he had been disturbed to find his boyfriend sucking Barbie Dolls.
Yes, Barbie dolls do have a certain shape and size, but really, they are sexually quite unappealing.
At least, one would think so.

He doesn't entirely believe the story about the cat accidentally knocking some of the dolls off their pedestal into the plate of stew. And the explanation that his boyfriend didn't want any of the stew to go to waste, while very flattering (Alphonse prides himself on being a good cook), is not convincing.

Alphonse and his boy friend are still living together. The Barbie dolls are in the living room, lined up on the mantelpiece. But they remain fully clothed. Alphonse refuses to let his boyfriend undress them, because he just doesn't trust him around naked plastic objects.

And he says that the boyfriend still has 'mother issues'.

Personally, I think both of them have issues, but I don't want to go there.

Barbie dolls make good legionnaires, by the way. But they have to be completely naked.
Dresses (or bows) just don't look right.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.


Tzipporah said...

I worry that their state of undress would make them susceptible to Legionnaires disease...

Anonymous said...

Wow. That's all I can say. Wow.

You know interesting people.

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