POSSIBLY A TEENAGE PHASE

A post I wrote a while back disturbed some readers. "What", I asked, "would I be like if I had been born a woman?" It seems a worthwhile question. My mother was a woman, and in many ways I am a mama's boy. She was short, stubborn, brilliant, and quite incapable of backing down.
A very strong minded and bold woman.

I am not short, being about ten inches taller than her.
Unfortunately I am not as brilliant as her either.
It's a condition I should wish to aspire to.



Had I been born a woman, both of my parents would've made certain that I nevertheless had backbone. It is quite likely that I would have gotten into many more fights in grammar school, because what with being a smaller person there would have been even more incentive not to let the other kids run roughshod over me, and even more excuse to kick them in the balls something fierce.

It is also likely, incredibly likely, that I would have had no clue whatsoever about the feminine arts. Cooking? My mother had half a dozen recipes plus grilled cheese sandwich. Laundry? Make sure the dirty stuff is ready for Monday morning pickup. Sewing, darning, mending? If it's got a button missing, throw it out.

Finger nail polish? That's for keeping buckles, uniform buttons, and insignia shiny. Everyone knows that!

High heels? We shall not speak of those. A pair got taken off and flung across the foyer once after a required company event.
She never wore pumps again.


As I said, a strong minded woman. She's lucky I wasn't a daughter, as without a doubt I would have rebelled against her several years sooner.
Skirts and lipstick, oh boy! Pantyhose, pearls, and tampons!

And for crapsakes, stop buying me clothes from the Sears Roebuck Catalogue! I can buy my own, and no, my breasts and hips are NOT one size larger every year! Jesus, mom!

I probably would have ended up dating handsome young men from the Atheneum or the Gymnasium, but I'm sure that's something she would have understood.


As for smoking a pipe, that would have been a foregone conclusion.
I always was a stubborn cuss, and would have been far more so as a girl. Likely to have asked the tobacconist when I bought my first briar "don't you have anything that doesn't stink like cheap candy?!?"

Might well have scared the poor man no end.
I would not have tried aromatics.
No matter how femmy.



Proper women read books, smoke good tobacco if at all, and have a preference for strong coffee or tea. And, just like proper men, fervently dislike sports, jocks, oafs, and the suburban life-style.




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