WHILE THINKING ABOUT CRUSTACEANS

This blogger cannot wait until some misguided youngster, of either gender, asks me for advice regarding the birds and bees.
Because, of course, I know so much more than either of their parents. Who procreated using virtual reality and mousetraps.
It will happen. This is certain.
Poor little fools.


"Uncle Vander Pervert", little Lucinda might say, "what is dating like?"
And I will answer "it's like waging Total War, the video game."
If she asks me about sex, the answer will be the same.

Might as well frighten her away from ever experimenting. Till she's in her thirties, at least. Sex detracts enormously from the college years.

This blogger has not engaged in any of that for quite a while (aeons, at least), and by golly I feel more vibrant and lucid than ever before. Why, I'm positively brilliant at this point, what with not having the distraction of other people's secondary sexual characteristics in my face all the time.
Such as breasts. Which are, always, at more than arm's length.

It's hard, but I've trained myself to never think of nudity. And unlike in my misguided and lamentable past, I never eat naked, except when having crab. Which is so messy as to require a state of undress.
Come to think of it, haven't had crab in a while either.
Something is missing in my life.
Possibly crab.

The closest I come to either Total War (the video game) or dating the appropriate gender is laughing hysterically whenever anyone asks me whether I'm married. Or even seeing someone.
"No", I'll say, "I am quite happy".
Now please stop asking.
Kindly piss off.

See, being single means that all options are on the table. Not a single possibility is closed, everything is in play. Having absolutely no one in your life with whom to share crab means that there are a wealth of choices. There are buttons to push, too numerous to count.
The answer is total positivity. An optimistic attitude.
At some point, possibly, there may be crab.
Perhaps with black bean sauce.
Or melted butter.



Maybe I need to buy a tarpaulin.
Just in case of crustaceans.
Best to be prepared.
Boy scout.


Crab.



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