WANTING TO BE ANGELA

Further revelations by the attention hog who bailed out to Russia after China refused to give him asylum (Edward Snowden) make clear that the United States had boundless curiosity about the shopping lists, tweets, and hectoring private messages of several very important people.

Angela Merkel, for instance. Our government now knows what she ate every day, as well as whether her jock itches. In a manner of speaking, of course, because her jock might never have itched.
Germans are the cleanest people of Europe, and any jocks they could have, or have control over, probably smell like flowers.
Or at least sterile and sustainably green.

They bugged her cell-phone.

One has to wonder why. Most text-messages, even from fascinating and brilliant politicians, have to be utterly boring.

"Sweetie", her husband will have texted, "can you swing by the Russian embassy for some caviar?"

"Aber zicherlich, liebchen", she will have texted back, "hast du den garbage by dem Französischen amtszimmer aus gedumpt?"

Yes, in private, German leaders no doubt still hate the French. The French office referred to above is probably the putrid ditch that runs past her townhouse.
It's filled with frogs.

Then followed a whole flood of German or Sorbian text messages, punctuated by 'O mein Gott', 'for sicher', und 'lachend aus laut'.
Plus smiley faces and emoticons.
Genau super über affengeil.
Ja doch.

All of which are lovingly catalogued by the NSA, in files dating back to 2002. The CIA is STILL trying to figure out what it all means. Germans can be so devious and opaque, sie schreiben mit gebrochene schrift.
Google Translate doesn't make it any easier.
Nor does hiring a teenager.
Hmph! Technology!


I do not have a cell-phone. My life is not as fascinating as Angela Merkel's. No one would even bother to keep track of my text messages. Mr. Snowden and the NSA conspire to make all the rest of us feel inadequate. Especially those of us who still use carrier pigeons.

Instead of cell-phone radiation giving us huge brainholes, skin disease, and cancerous tumours, we are surrounded by suspiciously large deposits of pigeon shit. It's the cost of being antediluvian.


In a different life I could have been a German politica. It would've required planning, however. As well as co-ordination with the Americans.
And a fancy electronic pigeon.

Angela Merkel is a babe.

The NSA agrees.

She's hot.

OMG.


☺




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