HELLO KITTY BURNS HER MOUTH ON HOT PEPPERS

One of my friends, cognizant of the fact that this old pervert is turning fifty four years old soon, gifted me with a bright pink Hello Kitty ruler (twelve inches, thirty centimetres) recently, at the same time that he handed over the bhut jolokia chili pepper that he had reserved for me.
Just one chilipepper.
A small one.

Now, you may think that just ONE chilipepper is carping it, how measly, what can you do with just ONE chilipepper?
It's not enough for anything!

And you'll wail miserably at the prospect.

The wailing is appropriate. One bhut jolokia packs as much heat in its tiny fragile body as over two hundred Jalapeños. There is no way I can divide this little demon over more than a dozen dishes at most, but each one of those will be memorable.

Of course I tried the little bugger within hours of receiving it, cutting off a minuscule sliver the size of a fingernail paring. Chew chew chew, get the saliva going..... fruity, slightly metallic..... after a few seconds, the capsaicin kicks in..... and keeps on kicking.
Five minutes later, my tongue still feels numb, and the warmth has faded a bit, but I'm fairly certain it would not be a good idea to light a pipe, as I would not be able to taste the fine gradations of Virginia and Perique at the moment, and possible might not even notice that I inadvertently stuffed carpet tacks into my briar.

Mmmm, the saveur of polished brass! The best saddle-makers use this!
I must relish it, no one makes hob-nailed boots the old-fashioned way anymore! If I kiss someone, will they scream?

Tentatively, I lick the back of my hand.
No sting, even after a few minutes.
But the skin now looks..... pink.

My head is spinning.

Dang.


A few days ago, when I worried that I wasn't getting enough vegetables, I fixed myself a hot pepper sandwich with a little cucumber and salami. It was nice and crunchy, and just packed with vitamins. Trim young fifty-four year olds NEED their vitamins! If we're ever going to fool some nice woman into thinking that we're the bees knees and the cats miao, it behooves us to be chock full of vitamins!
Vibrant young people can be so draining!

I don't know how much vitamin C is in this bhut jolokia. My present life will become really interesting if it turns out there is also over two hundred times as much in there as in Jalapeño peppers.
I might end up screaming and infantile.
Women just love babies, I hear.
Gotta get more.

After twenty minutes, the effect has dissipated.
At this point I think I need another sliver.




Why did he give me a Hello Kitty item? Well, he's read this blog, so he knows that Hello Kitty has been mentioned several times. And he consequently assumes that I fetishize the beast. Why, my apartment must be FILLED with all manner of Hello Kitty stuff! Hello Kitty teacups, dolls, posters, brassieres, panties, sandwich boxes, schoolbags, pursies, cake mixes, colouring books, candies, perfume, boxer shorts. It's probably a veritable treasure trove of Hello Kitty!

It isn't; I now possess a grand total of two Hello Kitty things.
Not including the tobacco that Hello Kitty should smoke.
Which does not have Hello Kitty on the label at all.
Because Sanriø is a clean wholesome company.
They sell everything EXCEPT tobacco.


Bhut jolokia. That's over one million Scoville units.
It's the pepper Hello Kitty should eat.
My head is still spinning.
Damn you, Kitty.




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