At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

WHAT TO FEED A BACHELOR

The proper care and nourishment of single human males is not difficult. Judging by advertisements on television, almost any amount of fried food will give them a happy feeling and a glossy coat. Admittedly, it also gives them heartburn (according to other advertisements), as well as clogged arteries (more advertisements), digestive issues (rumble tummy), and kidney stones (take them to the vet).
Evenso, there is an inexhaustible supply of bachelors.
We are a renewable resource, so wastage is okay.
Go ahead - feed us buckets of killer crap.

However, if you've hooked a bachelor who might eventually be presentable, after much training and house-breaking, you need to ensure a healthier diet. Once you've invested a lot of time in one of us, you don't want to see us bloat up like big fat couch slugs, or even worse explode from all the grease and sodium we've ingested.
You must find an alternative to pizza.

If you're a typical American woman, this presents a problem; you don't know jack about food.
Well, do you? Other than pro-biotic yoghurt?
Bachelors won't touch that crap.

This blogger is an expert on bachelors, and their diet.
I am one, and I eat.


文仔記燒臘茶餐廳
YEE'S RESTAURANT
1131 Grant Avenue, San Francisco, CA 94133
415-576-1818

Yesterday I had some truly lovely roast goose. Really, I cannot emphasize enough how scrumptious it was. A very generous serving of crispy-skinned tender mahogany chunks on a bed of bokchoi, alongside a heaping mound of rice. Intense meatiness, veggies flavoured with the oozing juices, and the perfect starch to make it all a balanced meal. Along with a hefty dab of chilipaste for dipping the bird, it was a humongous slice of heaven.

燒鵝飯 SIU NGOH FAN $7.95

Probably one of the best values in Chinatown. I can't believe how thoroughly enjoyable that late lunch was. Roast goose rice plate.

Why, you ask, is this bachelor food?

Because devouring it is absolutely not refined. It is, in fact, precisely the kind of thing that convinces many women that they are in the presence of a wild animal.
There is no dignity whatsoever to the eating, and wives or girl-friends will be appalled at the almost caveman-like procedure. It cannot be a particularly pretty sight.
There is no way you can eat it with spoon and fork.
Chinese chop fowl into chopstickable pieces.
Cutlery will be provided for rice-plates.
Necessarily fingers come into play.

I got interrupted several times while eating.
The wait-staff were pleased as punch that I was enjoying my meal.
With happy glints in their eyes they asked me "ho m-ho sik ah" - is it good to eat?
Yes.
Yes it is.
You bet your patootie it's good.
Man-o-man-o-man-o-man-o-man-o-man-o-man!

I had to use three napkins moistened with hot tea to clean my fingers and whiskers afterwards.
There were other happy diners there also, but remarkably they were with companions. Which probably explained why I was the only one eating roast goose.
An elderly gentleman sitting with his mom looked at my table with blatant envy. Quite likely he will come there by himself soon, and order a plate of roasted bird.



AFTER WORD

文仔記燒臘茶餐廳: man-chai kee siu lahp cha chanteng - Manny's roast meats tea restaurant. They have roast duck, roast goose, roast pork, charsiu, salt-water chicken, and diverse other meaty preparations in that vein. But they also have fresh bivalves (蜆), giant prawns (大蝦), crabs (蟹), and lobster (龍蝦).
Plus frog (田雞) and paddy snails (田螺).

Next time, I think I'll have the 薑蔥田雞飯 - ginger and scallion frog rice plate.
Which obviously is food for men; too many American women would get freaked out by the idea of eating frog. That's probably why it's listed on the wall in Chinese, instead of on the menu in English.

All good bachelor chow is like that.



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