YOU MARRIED A YENTA!

Catchy title to a blog-post, isn't it?


But this isn't about my domestic situation, or even about yours - though I did warn you about that woman's relatives, didn't I? I told you the father was a con-artist and the twelve brothers were a bunch of shmendricks and thugs - especially those two juvenile delinquents, Shimmie and Levie. What else did you expect? That family is the absolute paradigm of dysfunctionality. Hah. You're probably gonna end up whacked by them, they're that unstable. You'll regret it, and your entire neighborhood will wonder what the heck possessed you.


But again, this isn't about you.

It's about them.

[Being actually a blatant theft from Dovbear's site (http://dovbear.blogspot.com/) , where a domestic quarrel cropped up in the comments. You could look here (http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2006/12/leahs-lament.html), or you could simply keep reading below.]


Leah's Lament

Dear Jewish People:Each year, at parshas v'yatze, the Jewish boys and girls all come running home with Rashi's story: "Leah cried day and night. Leah cried day and night. Boo hoo hoo."

But don't you pious people do shnayim mikra v'echad targum? And doesn't the targum (Onkelos) translate the verse about my eyes this way: "And the eyes of Leah were beautiful." Why yes, I think it does.

So why isn't this more positive view in circulation? Why am I remembered as the bible's Moaning Myrtle instead of as the chick with the drop -dead gorgeous eyes?

Also, I know you shrewd Jewish businessman prefer to think of Jacob's scheme with the sheep as the archetype example of Jewish cunning. And yes that was a pretty neat swindle. But how about my acquiring a night of hot love for the price of some lousy flowers? That doesn't impress you?


Yours Sincerely,

Leah, Wife of Jacob
Matriarch

----- comments ------




They were beautiful because she cried so as not to marry Esav. That was the beauty behind it, not that they were actually beautiful. The Pshat still stands.
JJ 12.01.06 - 10:24 am #

Does Onkeles say they were beautiful because... or just that they were beautiful?
Alex 12.01.06 - 10:29 am #

That's the Pshat in Onkeles.
JJ 12.01.06 - 10:30 am #

What are you talking about? Onkelos is a translation, not a commentary. He translates the word "raakot" as beautiful, not because he is trying to make a hermelutical point, but because he thinks that's what the word raakot means!
Alex 12.01.06 - 10:32 am #

Unqelos IS a commentary. ALL translations are commentary as well; why do you think that God never actually DOES anything in Unqelos? It's all meimra’ d-YY and miqadam YY.
Steg (dos iz nit der šteg) Homepage 12.01.06 - 11:11 am #

Rav Hirsch picks up on Onkelos's peshat and carries it even further, JJ. He says that The parallel structure of the verse requires it."Leah's eyes were x, and Rachel was beautiful in all ways." The pasuk is enumerating the girl's good looks. While Leah had beautiful eyes, Rachel was beautiful in more ways. If it is a statement as to Leah's puffy, red rimmed, crying eyes, then the parallelism is not there.
mevaseretzion Homepage 12.01.06 - 11:32 am #

Dearest Leah,You're forgetting that our husband is a Brisker Lamdan. 29:17 "The eyes of Leah were tender, Rochel was of beautiful form and of beautiful appearence.""Rakkos" isn't a word usually associated with beauty, whereas by me, the standard terms of beauty were used."
Mashmah", that the Torah is indicating a message here. But don't feel bad, dearie. Because the message is positive, that you did not wish to marry the evil Esav. Now, no doubt, that if our good friend Dovbear would've been around, he would have calmed you that Esov wasn't so evil afterall. But alas, your tears weren't in vain, as indeed you ended up marrying Yakkov before me, and you had children while I couldn't. So go tell all those bad B.T.A. Apikorsim, that they should stop mocking the prayers and tears of the Jewish people.
Yours sincerely,
Your younger sister,Rachel, Wife of JacobMatriarch
Rochel 12.01.06 - 11:41 am #

No one is mocking any tears, least of all yours, Rachel.We are just pointing out another pshat. But perhaps the person who stands behind your name only has room in their brain for one pshat, and one pshat only, and be d***ed with all the other rishonim and acharonim...Hm?
mevaseretzion Homepage 12.01.06 - 11:43 am #

Wow. The imah'ot read Dovbear.I always figured Leah for the smart one. I picture her with glasses.
Anonymous 12.01.06 - 11:44 am #

Dearest Rachel,Why do you prepetrate the lie that I spent all my time crying? You were there. You saw. You know it isn't true.Also, what's this invented nonsense about me being destined to marry Eisav? When in the Torah do you see cousins being matched up that way? It never happened, and until we met by the Jabbok river, I had never even heard of Esav, (but what a nice guy he turned out to be giving Yaakov, what Shimon Bar Yochai called a real and genuine hug.)You, Rachel, were never ever that nice to me, and all I stole from you was a guy. Yaakov, on the other hand, took his siblings birthright And Esva forgave him all the same.Let me explain why the Midrash said I was a crybaby. It is because the word rakos is weird. The Midrash doesn't like weird words, preferring a smooth and non-confusing text, so the great Rabbis of the midrash darshaned a solution. Mazal Tov. It's a nice vort but I am here today to tell you that it isn't necessary the truth, no matter what Morah Sarah taught you in pre-1A (and thank goodness to DovBear and Samsom Repahael Hirsh for setting the record straight!)
Love,
your big sister, who had SIX count 'em SIX sons.Leah, Wife of Jacob, etc.
Leah, Mother of Six Sons 12.01.06 - 11:57 am #

"They were beautiful because she cried so as not to marry Esav. That was the beauty behind it, not that they were actually beautiful. The Pshat still stands."I've heard this before, but I don't understand it. Eisav wasn't around; Yaakov was. Rivka sent Yaakov to lavan's house to find a wife, whereas Eisav had already married twice, and showed that he didn't really have a taste for righteous women. Eisav wasn't gonna marry Leah, so what was she afraid of?
Rare Find Homepage 12.01.06 - 11:57 am #

Kinderlach, kinderlach, please don’t argue. After all my grandson Yaakov had his hand full with the both of you. You should have appreciated everything he did for you. Leah my kiynd, those children should have kept you busy, why were you “going out” so much; and Dina followed in your footsteps. You see what happened. Rachel my kiynd, now you are crying for all your grandchildren who are lost on the way. Now you know what crying means. But my taireh maidela your day is coming when your dear Yosef who once saved your kinderlach from the Mitzriim will return as our long-awaited Moshiach ben Yosef and finally bring us all back to our Father Above.Listen to the wisdom of your Bubby.
Bubby,
Sarah Imeinu 12.01.06 - 12:21 pm #

>You, Rachel, were never ever that nice to me, and all I stole from you was a guy.

How ungrateful of you. Could you imagine the shame and embarresment had I not shared with you the "secret codes"? And it was I who took care of Daddy's sheep, while you stayed at home. Yes, it was I who met him at the well, and then you dare steal him from me?!?

>Yaakov, on the other hand, took his siblings birthright

That monstrous lentil fresser didn't deserve it.

>And Esva forgave him all the same.

Silly, did you see with how much Yakkov bribed his idiot brother?

>Let me explain why the Midrash said I was a crybaby. It is because the word rakos is weird. The Midrash doesn't like weird words, preferring a smooth and non-confusing text, so the great Rabbis of the midrash darshaned a solution. Mazal Tov. It's a nice vort.

Its a true one also. That's why you didn't take Daddy's sheep out. You were too embarressed to be seen like that.

>Love your big sister, who had SIX count 'em SIX sons.

Ha! They all came bowing like humble slaves to my Yosse'le.
Rochel 12.01.06 - 12:22 pm #

Of course Lei’a had glasses, her eyes were rakot!
Steg (dos iz nit der šteg) Homepage 12.01.06 - 12:27 pm #

these exchanges should really be a blog of their own. I wonder who it is whos writing these.
halfnutcase Homepage 12.01.06 - 12:34 pm #

How ungrateful of you. Could you imagine the shame and embarresment had I not shared with you the "secret codes"? And it was I who took care of Daddy's sheep, while you stayed at home. Yes, it was I who met him at the well, and then you dare steal him from me?!?
I didn't steal him from you. Daddy thought it was best for me to maary him first. And don't give me any jive about secret codes. Your friends among the Sages invented that one, too. Look at the verses. Our case is a direct parralel to how Yaakov tricked Yitzchak. There were no codes them - Yitzchak was fooled because he was blind - and there were no codes with use either (Yaakov was fooled because it was dark.)

Yaakov, on the other hand, took his siblings birthright That monstrous lentil fresser didn't deserve it.

Says you. Our sainted father-in-law seemed to think he had some good in him. And the Sages did too (at least the ones who lived before Rome did)

And Esva forgave him all the same.Silly, did you see with how much Yakkov bribed his idiot brother?

It was just a gift. Yaakov, in his later life, was such a suck-up. The man I married was a wrestler, a fighter, but after that emasculating meeting with Esav he became such a wimp. Reuven stole his concubine, Shimon and Levi over ruled his authority and attacked Shkem. Etc. Not the man I married at all.

Let me explain why the Midrash said I was a crybaby. It is because the word rakos is weird. The Midrash doesn't like weird words, preferring a smooth and non-confusing text, so the great Rabbis of the midrash darshaned a solution. Mazal Tov. It's a nice vort.

Its a true one also. That's why you didn't take Daddy's sheep out. You were too embarressed to be seen like that.

No, I stayed home because I wasn't a slut. Lavan had sons. Why didn't they take the sheep out? Why did you run to play with the shepherds? And I bet you liked it when Yaakov kissed you EVEN BEOFRE YOUR FIRST DATE. What a whore you are.

Love, your big sister, who had SIX count 'em SIX sons.

Ha! They all came bowing like humble slaves to my Yosse'le.

At least my precious sons didn't have to sit in jail, or live like a goy in Egypt.
Leah, MOTHER OF ISRAEL 12.01.06 - 12:35 pm #

rarefind:Leah was told by all that it was her lot to marry Esav. Yaakov came along much later, by then her eyes were all cried out.
JJ 12.01.06 - 12:36 pm #

Leah was told by all that it was her lot to marry Esav. Yaakov came along much later, by then her eyes were all cried out.

What does that mean, all cried out? And if I stopped crying after Esav married his second wife, why were my eyes still red? I know you 21st century Jews don't know much about science, but does that make any sense? Did you ever see eyes that were red and puffy years after the crying stopped?And besides, I didn't cry over Esav, because I had no idea the guy even existed.
Cousins don't get married off like that. It never happened anywhere else in the whole Torah (and even if this strange one of a kind deal was planned, once Esav married TWICE the deal was off!)

To sum up: My eyes were hot, not tender. And Rachel, my little whiny man-stealing sister was a whore.
Leah, MOTHER OF ISRAEL 12.01.06 - 12:41 pm #

I think that that crossed the line, seriously.
mevaseretzion Homepage 12.01.06 - 12:45 pm #

Sorry, she's the one playing with shepherds and kissing strangers, but I'm the one who "went out too much?"
Leah 12.01.06 - 12:46 pm #

The Chafetz Chayim told his students one purim, when they were getting carried away by the jokes and grommin, 'even on purim one must be careful of lashon hara'.You have to realize there is a limit to this joke, too, and not cross lines.
mevaseretzion Homepage 12.01.06 - 12:51 pm #

Rare,Don't you know that my evil BIL took a third wife at 40 years old to make believe he's a frummer? Like the closet Kofrim who go to shul friday night with a T-shirt under their Bekesheh, then they tell their wives they're going "Tzu Ah Zuchor", then they pack the shtreimel and Bekesheh in the locker room and take the D train?And what makes you think that Esov wasn't going to marry Leah? Don't you think that he would of blindly trusted Dovbear that Leah was pretty when I know the truth that she cried her eyes out?
Rochel 12.01.06 - 12:53 pm #

Thank you blessed Matriarchs...Your exchanges had me laughing so hard I could barely keep my mouth covered to avoid having to explain what was so funny to my goyishe co-workers.
Alan 12.01.06 - 12:55 pm #

>Sorry, she's the one playing with shepherds and kissing strangers,

You're just jealous cause no one wants to kiss you.

>but I'm the one who "went out too much?"

A gross understatement. It was your Dina'la who "went out" just like you and you know the rest...
Rochel 12.01.06 - 12:56 pm #

Why cant I get any love?
Zilpa 12.01.06 - 12:57 pm #

Dina, dear, I know you're upset about the way I got slandered, especially after what happened to you, but please stop writing in pretending to be me. You know I never would have called your aunt that.
Ima Leah 12.01.06 - 1:00 pm #

>I didn't steal him from you. Daddy thought it was best for me to maary him first.

I knew you had no confidence. I accuse you of stealing my boy, and you blame it on Daddy.

>And don't give me any jive about secret codes. Your friends among the Sages invented that one, too. Look at the verses. Our case is a direct parralel to how Yaakov tricked Yitzchak. There were no codes them - Yitzchak was fooled because he was blind - and there were no codes with use either (Yaakov was fooled because it was dark.)

Of course you're denying the codes. You're daddy's daughter after all.

>Says you. Our sainted father-in-law seemed to think he had some good in him. And the Sages did too (at least the ones who lived before Rome did)

Of course he had "some" good in him. Or Aunt Rivka would have never allowed him to keep his coat in her house.

>It was just a gift. Yaakov, in his later life, was such a suck-up.

A gift?!? Gosh. "Ki Hashochad Ye'aver" must really be true.

>The man I married was a wrestler, a fighter, but after that emasculating meeting with Esav he became such a wimp.

That's what happens when you start up with gods angels.

>Reuven stole his concubine,

And paid dearly for it.

>Shimon and Levi over ruled his authority and attacked Shkem. Etc. Not the man I married at all.

Shame on you. While you were blogging "Chilul Hashem!" They took revenge for your daughters sake.

>No, I stayed home because I wasn't a slut.

There you go again, insulting me as usual.

>Lavan had sons. Why didn't they take the sheep out?

'cause they were busy pirating their stolen Gods.

>Why did you run to play with the shepherds?

Those b*st*rds. They made me wait for hours to drink the sheep.

>And I bet you liked it when Yaakov kissed you EVEN BEOFRE YOUR FIRST DATE.

J-E-A-L-O-U-S.

>What a whore you are.

Rather a whore than a cheat. Right, DB fans?
Rochel 12.01.06 - 1:20 pm #

again, this exchange really deserves a blog of it's own.
halfnutcase Homepage 12.01.06 - 1:28 pm #

"Leah was told by all that it was her lot to marry Esav. Yaakov came along much later, by then her eyes were all cried out."

But no one knew of anyone. Rivka told Yaakov to to go to Lavan and find a wife. We don't hear of Lavan's daughters until Yaakov actually gets there, because they didn't know about each other. Who ever said Leah was destined to marry eisav? Or even Yaakov for that matter? She had no idea who either of them were!

And please don't try to insinuate that they were told about him... whom, exactly, told them?"

Don't you know that my evil BIL took a third wife at 40 years old to make believe he's a frummer?"

Sure... so he was married 3 times, then, not 2. And he already made believe he was "frummer" so he needn't marry Leah.
Rare Find Homepage 12.01.06 - 1:32 pm #

Don't you know that my evil BIL took a third wife at 40 years old to make believe he's a frummer?

Ha! Yaakov that our father loved me because of the food, so what does he do in the next verse? HE MAKES A STEW. What a suck up he was even then.
Esav 12.01.06 - 1:38 pm #

>At least my precious sons didn't have to sit in jail, or live like a goy in Egypt.

Silly, your boys were ready to MURDER my Yosse'le. And you should of seen how white they were when my Yosse'le was sitting on the throne and told them who he was.

>Did you ever see eyes that were red and puffy years after the crying stopped?

Take out a mirror, sister.

>And besides, I didn't cry over Esav, because I had no idea the guy even existed.

Yes you did. Don't tell me that you didn't see DB's post about the Tzaddik (Esov) who killed the Amaleki (Nimrod).

>Cousins don't get married off like that.

Zeidy Avrohom married his niece. Our schver Yitzchok married his first cousin once removed. Accordingly, us two sisters would marry our two male cousins, no?

>To sum up: My eyes were hot, not tender.

Hot tears. Yeah.

>And Rachel, my little whiny man-stealing sister was a whore.

I'll let that stand to show everyone your true colors.

>Leah, MOTHER OF ISRAEL

Just continue keeping your nose right where it is.
Rochel 12.01.06 - 1:43 pm #

my beautifull daughters-in-law, must you fight all the time? your driving my sunshine to his grave!I sent him to marry you and this is the thanks I get?
Rivkah 12.01.06 - 1:44 pm #

Zeidy Avrohom married his niece. Our schver Yitzchok married his first cousin once removed. Accordingly, us two sisters would marry our two male cousins, no?

No. Yaakov should have married his neice or his first cousin once removed. And Yishmael, and Nachor didn't marry cousins, so why would Esav?
Leah 12.01.06 - 1:46 pm #

See even our MIL says I am beautiful, and that's after SIX count em SIX sons!!!
Leah 12.01.06 - 1:47 pm #

P.S.

Also, what's this invented nonsense about me being destined to marry Eisav? When in the Torah do you see cousins being matched up that way?

To whom did you think we planned to marry Eisav off? To the girls around the corner? To the daughter of my no-good hunter brother-in-law? If only Eisav had married one of the daughters of my civilized town-dweller brother, maybe he, too, would have gone into livestock. Marrying a cousin worked out for me.
Your loving shvigger,Rivky
Rivka 12.01.06 - 1:48 pm #

>I sent him to marry you and this is the thanks I get?
You sent him to marry who?!?
Rochel 12.01.06 - 1:50 pm #

And Yishmael, and Nachor didn't marry cousins, so why would Esav?

What, do you think I would have married off my successful, handsome hunter son to an Egyptian commoner?
Hagar, Princess of Egypt 12.01.06 - 1:50 pm #

There you go again Hagar, with your haughty attitude. Who said you were a princess? You sure didn't look like a princess scrubbing my floors you arrogant bee-yatch!
Sarah 12.01.06 - 1:52 pm #

>I sent him to marry you and this is the thanks I get?

You sent him to marry who?!?

ME!!!!! ME ME ME
Leah 12.01.06 - 1:53 pm #

well, at first I thought asaiv might have benifited from sweet leah.however by the time he was about 40 i'm not exactly sure i would have entrusted him with a dog, much less my beloved neice
Rivkah 12.01.06 - 1:54 pm #

Beloved neice? You never called. You never wrote. I got zip from you at holiday time. You didn't even show up at the wedding! And now I'm "beloved?"Too little too late, sister.
Leah 12.01.06 - 1:55 pm #

And Yishmael, and Nachor didn't marry cousins, so why would Esav?

The important thing is not marrying a cousin, but rather marrying a relative. Do you think I would contaminate my gene pool with unrelated blood?
Nachor the Younger 12.01.06 - 1:55 pm #

didn't that swindler yaakov buy the bride when he baught the esav's rights?

I had to give leah to him!
lavan 12.01.06 - 1:55 pm #

>See even our MIL says I am beautiful, and that's after SIX count em SIX sons!!!

Yeah yeah, you pompous brat. If I was your MIL, I'd say the same. If you would be my MIL, I'd be long divorced.
Rochel 12.01.06 - 1:56 pm #

travel was expensive dearie, besides I can't stand my wretched brother.
Rivkah 12.01.06 - 1:58 pm #

didn't that swindler yaakov buy the bride when he baught the esav's rights?

I sold him no birthright! I distinctly heard him say "Sell me your first fruits", and when he agreed, I thought, "Sucker! I don't even own any trees!"
Eisav, Firstborn 12.01.06 - 2:02 pm #

Don't lie to the people Nachor, you were the oldest! That's how Abraham was able to marry your daughter; also stop acting so pious. You married a shiksa just the rest of them did.
Terach 12.01.06 - 2:04 pm #

I'm sorry eisavle, but you always where a little slow, to much of my father in you i guess.
Rivkah 12.01.06 - 2:05 pm #

Look at you lecturing me! Not only did you worship idols, you stole them, and then lied about it!

I never mistreated MY father that way
Esav 12.01.06 - 2:06 pm #

Don't lie to the people Nachor, you were the oldest! That's how Abraham was able to marry your daughter; also stop acting so pious.

Um... Sarah was my daughter... well, I think so, at least. Milkah definitely was mine. Two great daughters. And Lot? I... uh, don't know whom you're talking about. Gotta go.
Haran 12.01.06 - 2:09 pm #

Yeah Haran but who was their mother? A bes yaakov girl? I think not. So no one better say anything to me about my wives.
Esav 12.01.06 - 2:11 pm #

Esov, you evil BIL,

I heard first hand that you swore away your rights, and you said your gonna die anyways and what do you need it for. Don't come now missing the forest for some non-existant trees.
Rochel 12.01.06 - 2:11 pm #

I'm sorry eisavle, but you always where a little slow, to much of my father in you i guess.

Hey, don't make fun of dad like that!
Lavan 12.01.06 - 2:12 pm #

Don't you all realize *I'm* the one who started this whole marrying-in-the-family thing? No one else seemed interested in my daughters, so i ended up having to marry them off to my brothers Avram and Nahhor... Avram married Yiska (my little Princess) and Nahhor married Milka.
Haran ben Terahh Homepage 12.01.06 - 2:12 pm #

I'm sorry eisavle, but you always where a little slow, to much of my father in you i guess.

Don't you talk to me like that! I never should have let you go with that shady servant of my wandering Uncle Abe.
Besu'el 12.01.06 - 2:13 pm #

I heard first hand that you swore away your rights, and you said your gonna die anyways and what do you need it for. Don't come now missing the forest for some non-existant trees.

I distinctly heard him say "Michrah ka-yom es bikurecha li."Say, sweetheart, you've got a nice tongue there, and you're also sort of cute. Wanna go out?
Eisav 12.01.06 - 2:15 pm #

>I never mistreated MY father that way.

LIAR!!! You gobbled up the lentil soup my husband made for your father. The Chutzpa!!!
Rochel 12.01.06 - 2:15 pm #

>Say, sweetheart, you've got a nice tongue there, and you're also sort of cute. Wanna go out?

I'll bury myself in Bais Lechem before I date a vile creature like you.

Red Hairy body. Ugh. Eew.
Rochel 12.01.06 - 2:18 pm #

You gobbled up the lentil soup my husband made for your father. The Chutzpa!!!

I did him a favor. My brother the mama's boy thought that our carnivore father would be interested in a vegetarian stew. Why doesn't he just make him some nice stir-fried tofu?
Eisav 12.01.06 - 2:18 pm #

>I did him a favor. My brother the mama's boy thought that our carnivore father would be interested in a vegetarian stew. Why doesn't he just make him some nice stir-fried tofu?

See what a putz you are? You didn't even know that your Zeidy died early so he shouldn't be embarresed by your wild antics.
Rochel 12.01.06 - 2:27 pm #

ta, you do realize i still haven't forgiven you for trying to kill eliezer, keep me from my beloved yitzchak, and turn me in to an adultress?

you got what you deserved trying to poison him like you did!
Rivkah 12.01.06 - 2:28 pm #

You didn't even know that your Zeidy died early so he shouldn't be embarresed by your wild antics.

Antics? I killed Nimrod; I should have gotten a medal for that.
Eisav 12.01.06 - 2:29 pm #

you got what you deserved trying to poison him like you did!

I figured that was the only way to shut him up. I mean, we all saw over the closed-circuit camera what happened at the well. Do we really have to hear it all over again?
Besuel 12.01.06 - 2:31 pm #

heard first hand that you swore away your rights, and you said your gonna die anyways and what do you need it for

Were you even there? Go play with the sheep.
Esav 12.01.06 - 2:34 pm #

LIAR!!! You gobbled up the lentil soup my husband made for your father. The Chutzpa!!!

Who says he made it for Yitzchak? And I made a square deal, all fair, and I paid for that stew. If anyone did something wrong, it was Jacob for cheating me.
Esav 12.01.06 - 2:36 pm #

Eisav didn't kill me. More rabbinical nonsense. You Jews say the Torah is your holiest book, but you don't even pay attention to what it says! What would I, a king from BAVEL be doing in a backwater like Canaan? Puh lease.
Nimrod 12.01.06 - 2:38 pm #

Hey NO ONE TRIED to poisen ELi. That's just a story the Rabbi's made up to explain why I led the negotiations. They didn't know that the tradition in that time and place (as attested by lots of sources) is for the OLDEST BROTHER to lead bridal negotiations, so my taking charge made perfect sense for our culture.Daddy wasn't missing. He was just behaving like eveyone did in our time and place.
Lavan 12.01.06 - 2:40 pm #

CAREFUL - these are the Avos Hakedoshim and the Emahot Hakedodhotis...the chariot for the holy Shechina. They are way outside of our range, far and beyond our realm of understanding. We don't JOKE about such things.
Anonymous 12.01.06 - 2:42 pm #

Hakedoshoht
Anonymous 12.01.06 - 2:42 pm #

What would I, a king from BAVEL be doing in a backwater like Canaan? Puh lease.

Amrafel didn't see it that way when he helped me fight against my rebellious subjects. Say, you wouldn't happen to be related, would you?
Kedarla'omer 12.01.06 - 2:44 pm #

They didn't know that the tradition in that time and place (as attested by lots of sources) is for the OLDEST BROTHER to lead bridal negotiations, so my taking charge made perfect sense for our culture. Daddy wasn't missing. He was just behaving like eveyone did in our time and place.

So why did I butt in?
Mrs. Besuel 12.01.06 - 2:46 pm #

Yes, you were all marrying your cousins and nieces and - (sisters?! What's that nonsense about Jacob's sons marrying their sisters? What happened to not imitating the Egyptian practices?)Anyway, we all know what happens after too many generations of that - I'm not saying your Bais Yaakov girls are unattractive, but... shouldn't you take a clue from the fact that Moshe rabeinu, our *holiest* and *most high* prophet, chose to marry me? Think about it...
Tzipporah 12.01.06 - 2:46 pm #

We don't JOKE about such things.

That's what I said, but my sons-in-law wouldn't believe me...
Lot 12.01.06 - 2:47 pm #

So why did I butt in?

You were a libber.
besuel 12.01.06 - 2:48 pm #

We don't JOKE about such things.

Sure we do! how do you think I got my name?
Yitzchak 12.01.06 - 2:48 pm #

shouldn't you take a clue from the fact that Moshe rabeinu, our *holiest* and *most high* prophet, chose to marry me?

That wasn't so pashut either...
Miriam 12.01.06 - 2:49 pm #

Can I just point our one last time that I had SIX SONS.

SIX

Rachel had two, like the slave girls.

But I had SIX

SO JACOB HAD BETTER LOVE ME
Leah 12.01.06 - 2:49 pm #

But I had SIX
SO JACOB HAD BETTER LOVE ME

Boy, are you in for a lot of disappointment...
Penina 12.01.06 - 2:50 pm #

Leah, sweetie, having many children is no guarantee of love from your husband, as you well know. However, it does give you a lot to kvell about! (unless they turn out rotten, which can happen... oops, sorry, sore subject.)
Her Majesty Queen Victoria 12.01.06 - 2:52 pm #

Penina, our stories sure are similar.
Leah 12.01.06 - 2:55 pm #

I gave my husband Zalman Mudcha 16 fine Satmar kids, but still he spends all say in the mikva and the bes midrash and never picks up a drop around the house. Men.
Shprintza Bayel 12.01.06 - 2:56 pm #

That wasn't so pashut either...Miriam 12.01.06 - 2:49 pm # Oh I cried and cried - until I realized that NOT ONLY was this foreign woman the only one willing to bring my grandsons into the covenant, but she was encouraging him to come home and free us... and don't get me started on her tzaddikeh-father...
Yocheved 12.01.06 - 2:57 pm #

For the record, I did sexually boycott Leah, and I am sure you can see why
Yankuf 12.01.06 - 2:57 pm #

Don't sweat it. I sexually boycotted Yocheved, too,
Amram 12.01.06 - 2:58 pm #

So how come when I boycotted Tamar everyone got bent out of shape?
Onan 12.01.06 - 2:58 pm #

>Who says he made it for Yitzchak?

Get a new memory card, idiot. You stomped into your mothers house with such a huff and puff, you couldn't even talk. All you managed to blurt out was:

Gimme... that... Red... Thing....

>And I made a square deal, all fair, and I paid for that stew. If anyone did something wrong, it was Jacob for cheating me.

Ha! When it comes to you fressing, you say - "I made a square deal". And when you stand like a loser in front of your Daddy, you Cried! YES! You cried like a baby that my husband ripped you off twice.

TWICE?!? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE "SQUARE DEAL"????
Rochel 12.01.06 - 3:01 pm #

oy! this family is meshuggah!
Yosef 12.01.06 - 3:03 pm #

you liar lavan! See? this is what I have to put up with, he can't even tell the honest truth!

and again, my beloved DsIL: quit fighting!
Rivkah 12.01.06 - 3:06 pm #

Yosef sweetie, you aughtn't be talking. You are the one who decided to tell your brothers about those dreams after being told that it would be better not to.
Rivkah 12.01.06 - 3:08 pm #

oy! this family is meshuggah!

The kind of talk will get you tossed in a pit. DOn't disrespect the family.
Yehuda 12.01.06 - 3:09 pm #

Children! Please! This kind of fighting between siblings leads to no good. I should know.
Chava 12.01.06 - 3:17 pm #

Chava, if you could follow orders,mankind wouldn't be in this mess.
Hashem Elokim 12.01.06 - 3:18 pm #

ok, now, that's going too far. Everyone knows HaShem's *real* call-sign here is "DovBear."
Tzipporah 12.01.06 - 3:21 pm #

>Rachel had two, like the slave girls.

>But I had SIX

It was my son who sat on the kingly throne.

It is my grandchildren, that every father blesses his children with.

>SO JACOB HAD BETTER LOVE ME

Sure. Call 1-888-flowers. My address is Tent 1, Lovontown, Choron.
Rochel 12.01.06 - 3:23 pm #

Chava, if you could follow orders,mankind wouldn't be in this mess.

Do you really want to get into this here, in front of everybody? Because we all know nobody ever told ME about those so-called orders... I wasn't even around yet.
Chava 12.01.06 - 3:23 pm #

(sniff) I thought this thread was going to be about me. (sniff)
(SOB)
(w
a
i
l)
Moaning Myrtle 12.01.06 - 3:27 pm #

Do you really want to get into this here, in front of everybody? Because we all know nobody ever told ME about those so-called orders... I wasn't even around yet.

I created you at the same time as I created Adam. Don't play that.
Hashem Elokim 12.01.06 - 3:34 pm #

um, impersonating hashem is NOT cool
halfnutcase Homepage 12.01.06 - 3:36 pm #

>um, impersonating hashem is NOT cool

Exactly. I wouldn't even accuse my sister's sons of such a thing.

Must be one of the Atheist Kofrim.....
Rochel 12.01.06 - 3:56 pm #

------------------------


Again, I stole the entire thing. Copy-pasted like it was my own flesh-and-blood.

Why?

Because some of you hardly EVER go over to Dovbear's [Dovbear's site: http://dovbear.blogspot.com/]. So I wanted to show you what you were missing.

Oh, that and I'm a shameless opportunist. It was too good to pass up on, and heck, I didn't have to do much writing myself -- no thought was required either. Which is a good thing, because I had a little too much Scotch last night.