Itza plot, I tell ya! An evil international plot!

Thanks to the miracle of the internet, we now have confirmation (being, in Journalese, THREE INDEPENDENT sources), for the following facts:

1. There's rat faeces in the glue on envelopes.
2. The companies that make soft drinks are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
3. Saran wrap, used in the microwave, causes cancer.
4. There's a needle infected with AIDS in the coin return on pay phones.
5. Flashing your headlights on a country road will get you killed by vicious drug gangs.
6. Deodorants cause cancer.
7. Pajamas spontaneously combust.
8. So do chess-players.
9. Perfume samples often contain addictive narcotics.
10. Several major package delivery services are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
11. Commercial fried chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
12. God only answers prayers if you forward an e-mail to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.
13. Sick children in hospitals want you to forward entirely pointless and sappy e-mails around the world. Either that, or they want bottle caps. Millions of bottle caps. They'll get better if they get what they want. Really. You're heartless if you don't let everyone else know.
14. Participating in special email programs will earn $15,000.00. Or sneakers. Or you can change the world by forwarding instructions of some sort.
15. Flyers on windshields are a clever way to distract you before you drive off - someone will mug you as you remove it, and take your car. Because, naturally, you didn't notice the flyer until you put the key in the ignition.
16. After the floods receded in New Orleans, they discovered hundreds of people with their kidneys removed.
17. Tight underwear is a plot to lessen our ability to fight world domination by foreigners.
18. The United Nations is in charge of Area 51, which is guarded by genetically altered troops from Iraq.

- - - - - - - -

We can all rest easy, the truth is out.

The authorities will deal with these 18 threats, which they now finally know about, thanks to alert citizens like yourself.

[Why 18 threats? Somekind of Kabalistic significance. Just ask Esther.]

[PS. A shout out to Gerry D. in somewhere far north of here, whose eloquent venom is infectious - an e-mail of his was the ""source"" , to which I would have reacted, 'cept that I'm a little tired of all that gezeur on the list.]