Good morning. It's Christmas eve. Most people are starting to run around frantically right about now, as they realize they have less than fourteen hours to buy some tacky crap for their beloved friends and relatives. They dawdled, they postponed, they did other things.......
They counted on the Mayan Zombie Apocalypse, figuring that when the feathered serpent demons came there would be no need to get aunt Getrude and Uncle Janosc bupkes, because after all if the Mayans were right, Santa did NOT spring forth from a giant purple egg in 1776 when the Peruvians landed the Mayflower......
Unfortunately, December 21 came and went.
The world did not explode in 2012.
You still have to buy gifts.
Hurry, hurry!
They're YOUR aunt Gertrude and uncle Janosc.
I don't have to get them jack.
I can watch youtube all day.
Youtube, in a disturbingly big brotherish intrusion, now keeps track of what people look for, and makes suggestions based on recent viewing.
Here are the first two things youtube thinks I should see.
DUDE ARGUING WITH A BIRD
[Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2E7akTESzA.]
That bird totally owns him.
A POPULAR BONGLO RECIPE
[Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63hlG66Pr4g.]
I like a good maacher jhol as much as the next man, but I am not so fond of jeera, and I would expect youtube to know that.
I cannot recall EVER searching for cumin on youtube.
What were they thinking?
By the way, you've now wasted over ten precious minutes of the LAST shopping day before Crotchmatch. Aunt Gertrude and uncle Janosc, remember?
It's time to frenzy.
Psst! Here's another great crow video: CLICK.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Showing posts with label MZA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MZA. Show all posts
Monday, December 24, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
DOOMSDAY AND DENVER, DECEMBER 2012
Do you have enough SPAM and inflatable devices to tide you over?
This is very important, as there are only TWO days left.
To stock up. Also buy plywood and duct tape.
These make great gifts, btw.
If zip happens.
Please buy all your survival necessities now, taking advantage of the super sales at various retailers. Now! Now! Now! Just in case you're one of the soft-in-the-cranium individuals who believe that the end of the Mayan Long Count Calendar means the end of the world, and do not live close enough to Denver Airport to invade the vast shelters for the elites which have been built underneath.
Yeah yeah, when Christ comes back riding the flaming tail of a comet this Friday, destroying the world in a cataclysm so vast that even space aliens will take note, you'll be able to gloat at my cynicism and unbelief. "Hah", you will say to yourself as you lock the heavy portal to your survival cave deep in the Berkeley Hills, "that stupid blogger didn't know jack!".
And you'll marvel at the giant whale-like beings from beyond Pluto, where the old gods slumber, who will opportunistically wipe out whole villages with their photon flippers or something.
They are angry at what we did to their ambassadors.
Seriously, anyone who actually believes that the world will end in two days is ripe for the picking. Stark-raving bonkers.
I wish I knew someone like that, for taunting purposes.
Obviously I don't hang out in the hinterland much.
Or anywhere near Denver.
Dang.
PS. More on stupid Christians HERE.
Gratuitous link: Fritters.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
This is very important, as there are only TWO days left.
To stock up. Also buy plywood and duct tape.
These make great gifts, btw.
If zip happens.
Please buy all your survival necessities now, taking advantage of the super sales at various retailers. Now! Now! Now! Just in case you're one of the soft-in-the-cranium individuals who believe that the end of the Mayan Long Count Calendar means the end of the world, and do not live close enough to Denver Airport to invade the vast shelters for the elites which have been built underneath.
Yeah yeah, when Christ comes back riding the flaming tail of a comet this Friday, destroying the world in a cataclysm so vast that even space aliens will take note, you'll be able to gloat at my cynicism and unbelief. "Hah", you will say to yourself as you lock the heavy portal to your survival cave deep in the Berkeley Hills, "that stupid blogger didn't know jack!".
And you'll marvel at the giant whale-like beings from beyond Pluto, where the old gods slumber, who will opportunistically wipe out whole villages with their photon flippers or something.
They are angry at what we did to their ambassadors.
Seriously, anyone who actually believes that the world will end in two days is ripe for the picking. Stark-raving bonkers.
I wish I knew someone like that, for taunting purposes.
Obviously I don't hang out in the hinterland much.
Or anywhere near Denver.
Dang.
PS. More on stupid Christians HERE.
Gratuitous link: Fritters.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Friday, December 07, 2012
2012 PHENOMENON - MAYAN END OF WORLD PREDICTION
According to the Mayan Long Count Calendar, as interpreted by many people whose words we take for revealed truth, the deity Bolon Yokte will collide with a dark mysterious planetoid called Niburu sometime this month, ushering in a seven year period of tribulation, and, it must be assumed, a very great itch.
Good people will be tormented by zombies.
The flesh-eating undead.
Given what the average diet is supposed to be after the cataclysm, better get all your junk food in now. Including the deep-fried stuff.
Unless you like brain-fritters, in which case you have nothing to worry about. At least for the first few days. A steady diet of brain fritter might pall after a while.
And lead to acid reflux. At the very least, you'll want some salt.
And perhaps a bit of hot sauce.
"Brain fritter, again! Dagnabbit!!
Got any horseradish!!??"
"Anybody still have a can of Spam?"
See, that's what the Christians mean by 'great tribulation'. A complete absence of Spam. Or any other pork-shoulder product.
They'll also need some salt and hot sauce.
Personally, I am not worried in the slightest. I figure I'll make out like a bandit, given that I have bucket-loads of hot sauce stashed in my apartment. It will be in premium demand after the end-times, and I intend to charge profiteering prices.
Which will go up astronomically as my supply diminishes.
I also have two boxes of salt.
Morton's Kosher Salt.
They'll cost you!
Please don't worry, some of the obscene profits will go to a very good cause: Missions for the Eternal Salvation of Zombies.
I figure given their poor remaining brain-power, they'll make EXCELLENT followers of Christ, all deeply religious and spiritual and sh*t. They'll also be perfect for slave labour on my vast banana plantations, where they'll raise food for the galactic Jesus-monkeys who will repopulate the earth.
Some believers have suggested that it is best to kill oneself, one's children, and one's pets BEFORE it happens. These people are defeatists, who refuse to acknowledge the greatness, glory, and inevitability, of working in my vast banana slave plantations. However, accepting that some of them are stubborn as all git-out, it is recommended that they start with themselves, saving their children and pets for later.
That way at least there will be FLUFFY animals to play with.
The galactic Jesus-monkeys are sure to appreciate that.
Cats make GREAT zombie overseers, by the way.
Not quite sure how the children fit in. Perhaps cat food?
Those felines will get might testy if ALL they get to eat is zombie-brain fritters.
No salt. No hot sauce. No pork-shoulder by-product.
Quite the tribulation!
Are there any questions?
Please note: no cats or other sentient beings were harmed in the writing of this post.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Good people will be tormented by zombies.
The flesh-eating undead.
Given what the average diet is supposed to be after the cataclysm, better get all your junk food in now. Including the deep-fried stuff.
Unless you like brain-fritters, in which case you have nothing to worry about. At least for the first few days. A steady diet of brain fritter might pall after a while.
And lead to acid reflux. At the very least, you'll want some salt.
And perhaps a bit of hot sauce.
"Brain fritter, again! Dagnabbit!!
Got any horseradish!!??"
"Anybody still have a can of Spam?"
See, that's what the Christians mean by 'great tribulation'. A complete absence of Spam. Or any other pork-shoulder product.
They'll also need some salt and hot sauce.
Personally, I am not worried in the slightest. I figure I'll make out like a bandit, given that I have bucket-loads of hot sauce stashed in my apartment. It will be in premium demand after the end-times, and I intend to charge profiteering prices.
Which will go up astronomically as my supply diminishes.
I also have two boxes of salt.
Morton's Kosher Salt.
They'll cost you!
Please don't worry, some of the obscene profits will go to a very good cause: Missions for the Eternal Salvation of Zombies.
I figure given their poor remaining brain-power, they'll make EXCELLENT followers of Christ, all deeply religious and spiritual and sh*t. They'll also be perfect for slave labour on my vast banana plantations, where they'll raise food for the galactic Jesus-monkeys who will repopulate the earth.
Some believers have suggested that it is best to kill oneself, one's children, and one's pets BEFORE it happens. These people are defeatists, who refuse to acknowledge the greatness, glory, and inevitability, of working in my vast banana slave plantations. However, accepting that some of them are stubborn as all git-out, it is recommended that they start with themselves, saving their children and pets for later.
That way at least there will be FLUFFY animals to play with.
The galactic Jesus-monkeys are sure to appreciate that.
Cats make GREAT zombie overseers, by the way.
Not quite sure how the children fit in. Perhaps cat food?
Those felines will get might testy if ALL they get to eat is zombie-brain fritters.
No salt. No hot sauce. No pork-shoulder by-product.
Quite the tribulation!
Are there any questions?
Please note: no cats or other sentient beings were harmed in the writing of this post.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
GRITS AND TOFU
Like most Americans, I have a list of people who should be peacefully retired from public service and thereafter kept away from their desks,...
